I feel ungrateful, and want to cry.

[Homebirdy]

That’s it really. I keep feeling overwhelmingly upset. In reality I have a great life. Mortgaged, husband, children. But we aren’t that financially comfortable. DH works the best and most he can and has a pretty good career and I work part time, due to burn out I had to quit full time hours.

I can’t get my mind away from all of these things I want most, if not all are very materialistic:
New Sofa
Family Dog
Re-carpet the lounge
better furniture
nicer house (one day)
better car
good quality, well fitting clothes (I’m short with a very large bust and nothing fits me nicely or well, and I can’t afford a tailor)
More money, without sacrificing my own time that I use to ground myself (poor mental health)

I know how it sounds, and I know I sound ungrateful. But I feel like the majority of these things are quite normal things that normal people just ‘get’ with relative ease.

I find it really hard to just, enjoy what I do have.. which I know is a lot and some of the most important things. I just genuinely feel like when I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

I know that sounds totally depressing I just needed to vent and put it somewhere.

Oh okay. I wasn't invested enough to remember her name but I do like mushrooms (a lot) so remembered that part. Maybe I should have said new patios instead although I can only remember the soap and not the actor's name. Can you tell I'm terrible at names? 😂

Was it Trevor? Mandy Jordache’s husband??

(Under the patio in Brookside.)

Ooh @Homebirdy, seems the “riff-raff” you referred to on your other thread are in a much better position than you are. 👌

@Twinklefeet there’s a lot to be said for having your own little place and feeling content there. 😍

Reject consumerism and perhaps you’ll find more peace

get with relative ease

Like it’s handed to them on a plate?

My job has been decimated by AI and I have gone from being at least equal and sometimes higher earner, bringing in a decent, steady income, to making almost nothing within months. We now live on my husband's wage (which covers all our expenses with some left over, but is by no means lavish!) and I hate not having money of my 'own'.

But I have 'monetised' my frustration by focusing on finding free or cheap things to do in with the kids - we went to an open session at our local bowls club (because it was free and within walking distance) and we had a great time meeting people and learning more about our local area.

We've explored different parks and swam in rivers and been to free museums and exhibitions that we wouldn't have bothered with if I had had money to do things with more obvious appeal.

We have discovered new interests, learned about some really interesting stuff, met fun people and had a genuinely really great time.

And the kids haven't really noticed that the stuff were doing isn't expensive or that I am a bit less inclined to spend money on the 'thinfs' they have asked for.

None of they have complained or even asked to do ANY of the more expensive things they were used to - in fact we've got a 'big day out' trip planned for one of their cousin's birthdays and they are SO much more excited about it than they ever were when we did things like that more regularly, and it's mostly because they're going with their cousins!

I'm not saying I'm content to be working so little, but necessity forced my hand and I've been surprised at how little we actually need to be happy.

All that is to say that I recommend buying into the idea that your time and effort still has value, even if it's not generating income you can bank. You can use your frustration to find low cost ways to indulge your interests or develop new ones - you don't have to stagnate even if you're stuck at the moment, and if you use your wishlist asap reminder of what you're working towards.

Gratitude practice will help 100%

I understand that you're stressed and just venting, and fair enough to be dissatisfied with your life financially.

But it's important to remember that a lot of people work like dogs just to pay the rent and bills, and the idea of ever buying a house isn't even on the radar for them - it's so out of reach. You're talking about a lot of things - new carpet, nicer house, 'better' furniture and car - which most people don't ever get, let alone 'with ease'.

You sound quite lucky. Also, I'm not sure what's stopping you getting a dog. If it's not a big dog, they're not that expensive.

You lost me at I get towards the end of my life I’m going to be gutted about what I didn’t achieve, more than what I did.

Look at that list. They are not achievements.

Please, please, please do not get a dog. They are adorable, expensive, and a lot of work.

I agree with this. I think you are feeling unhappy and your brain is making you focus on things you haven’t got to make sense of this unhappiness. I think once you start to heal from the burn out your sense of dissatisfaction will subside.

You are probably not in a position to do any charity work or similar but volunteering can often help to provide purpose and meaning. Maybe doing something like meditation or breath work might help you to focus more on your internal world rather than relying on external things to make you happier.

As people have said very few people can easily just buy those things you’ve mentioned but your sense of perspective is skewed probably because of mild depression and you’re noticing those that can rather than all those that can’t afford those things easily. You may dismiss this but plenty of people find having a gratitude journal where they daily list three things that do make them feel good every day can help with this kind of existential dissatisfaction.

This! You can’t have it every way! Ffs! Part time usually means less money…

Working ten hours a week is your luxury, and one that most of us could not contemplate. It's unrealistic to expect further luxuries on top of that.

yup, I feel for her partner, I imagine he would like a break too.

I’m really surprised by the number of responses telling you that you just need to get back to work so you can buy more things.

I think that even if you were to do this, you’d still be unhappy and just want more and more things. Buying things gives your brain a very short term dopamine hit, and then it quickly normalises and you go back to your baseline level of happiness. If you use buying things to make you happy, you need to keep buying more and more new things to keep receiving these short term dopamine hits. So even if you were to receive everything on your list you’d likely feel good for a short while and then go back to baseline. Experiences are actually more likely to produce enduring happiness.

What are you doing with your time and how can you use it to maximise your happiness and well-being? Do you exercise? Meditate? Have you tried therapy?

IMO it seems that you need to get to the root of your unhappiness, which is not because you are lacking in nice things.

A materialistic mindset is a known risk factor in mental health problems and occupational burnout.

You can change your outlook to be less materialistic, which it sounds like would both help you enjoy life more and help you participate in your marriage on a more equal footing.

Maybe so but I have this exact situation with a cousin of mine. She constantly asks how we afford things (holidays etc)and then sulks because she can’t afford them…she works one or two shifts a month! My answer is always that if she worked full time she would be able to afford these things. But no she wants to be at home with her dc (who are in school all day!)…that’s fine but don’t complain then. My priority is to work. Her’s is that she is at home…with each of those comes a compromise in some way.

I know what you're saying. I went from working full-time at a traditional corporate to managing my own business and I had to make a lot of sacrifices in order to make that work. Covid but the brakes on any quick success I might have had, if I'd have started my business earlier, and I'm still not where I used to be as far as salary.

So, that means a lot of the things I would have just purchased without thought before, are just not attainable for me.

But, I do have freedom of time, less work stress etc that mean as much as, if not more, than buying a lot of things. I found that buying things helped me manage the stress of going to work, like I was rewarding myself for my resilience, but I don't need that resilience now. I find I direct all my energy to making the business work so I can end up at the position I was at, before, if possible.

So, like you, I feel a bit ungrateful some days. Because of that, it helps to take stock of the things I am grateful for, like the things I mentioned above.

Glad you vented. It helps to know we're not alone in thoughts that we have and it helps when others can help us with our perspective.

Adore my dog, but if I share what he costs me in walks, high insurance cost as he has developed medical issues, you’d probably fall off your chair. Unfortunately we all want stuff we can’t afford, and usually the only way to buy extra things, is more income. But if that’s not an option, then you need to just accept it.

@Ladygregory1 Yes, I am agreeing with you, of course if you work part time you won’t be able to afford as much as you would if you were working full time. It just seems like OP thinks she is unhappy because she’s not able to buy more things and I’m trying to point out that this is not the reason she’s unhappy.

I also work part time and of course there are a number of things I would buy if I had more money but I don’t spend much time thinking about it because I know things won’t make me or my family happy for long so they don’t matter much to me. I would prefer to invest time and energy into things that will — spending quality time together, having downtime, being outside, getting enough exercise and movement, etc. All of which require time but not money, thus why part time works better for us.

Instead of purchasing/lusting after materialistic things, plan more experiences in your life (holidays, theatre, concerts or whatever floats your boat) When you have something to look forward to, life is more bearable/ exciting.
Obviously working full time will enable this to become a reality more quickly, but you could still save towards things.

None of the things on your wish list are bought with relative ease. Most save hard or go into debt for them.

Funny that 🤷🏼‍♀️ OP wanted to know if moving to a new estate was a good idea. I think the majority of the responses are all personal experience, as is mine.. that say don’t do it.

I’ve got police and HA letters in abundance that apologise for the behaviour of the social housing tenants. I’m not just bashing anyone and everyone who live in HA houses, I’ve lived in a council house as a kid, my family live in council houses. But it’s absolutely true that there’s a far higher percentage of people who act appallingly in them. It’s a very common theme and no one can deny that any new build estate is littered with poor behaviour from the batch of HA houses. Not everyone, but always a handful ruin it for everyone else.

But that’s got nil to do with this post.

Sorry OP but having your clothes made for you by a taylor is not a normal thing to expect. There will be some styles that fit you.

This is what I’d like to do, rather than focusing on saving and working full time to afford all of the things, I’d rather feel more.. wholesome 🤣 I just don’t know how to do that😖

For those saying about working full time again. It’s in talks, however both me and DH are understanding apprehensive since the last time I nearly didn’t come out alive. I am in a considerably better place now, I’ve had a lot of therapy and am now managing my mental health without it. I’ve applied for 2/3 jobs but it’s more of a ‘out of interest’ than a definite ‘I’ll do it’ - I just like to know what my options are.

No, I don’t see it as normal either. But I made a post a long long time ago about clothes not fitting me because of my shape/size and almost every single reply told me to go to a tailor.