AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Gosh sounds like shes had a great life with two parents who care for and financial support through uni to have minimal debt.

She sounds like a very nasty and short sighted human being.

What age bracket is your husband in 40s, 50, 60s?

Like pp mentioned parents live on now, I know many fit and active 80-90 year olds.

She sounds like a toxic and twisted young woman. Glad she has been put straight. Maybe this is a lesson for us all to have open discussions about finances with kids so they dont assume things. But still she sounds like a warped young woman. Even asking for a deposit is rude, surely wait to be offered or have earlier conversations that there will never be an inheritence from Dad as he has no funds/assets. But asking seems very rude and entitled.

How old is DH? Even if she were due to inherit from him, surely he's not about to pop his clogs any time soon? DSD sounds a mix of extremely entitled and very naive at the same time. No one is guaranteed an inheritance, even if their relatives want them to have the money.

Sigh.

@Sogrownup3 and @Peanutbutterkitty Read ALL of OP's replies (there are only 12 and the 12 can be found on the link below, it only shows OP's replies) before posting.
There is far more to it, and the SD has now admitted she meant it and she expected it to "set her up for life" and is furious she won't get the house, because OP owns it, not the husband, and DSD now wants her dad to divorce his wife so she can get something!

AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day? | Mumsnet

Is it really too much to expect people to Read The Full Thread or at least read the OP's posts on the thread (which are easily accessible on the bottom right hand of thread via See all ) before posting? Christ...

Your DP has misled his daughter, he doesn't want to tell her has no assets to leave her. Surely everyone knows any house could easily go on care fees anyway. Is he allowed to live in it if you go first?

Christ not again! @ChateauProvence Read ALL of OP's replies (there are only 12 and the 12 can be found on the link below, it only shows OP's replies) before posting.

There is far more to it, and the SD has now admitted she meant it and she expected it to "set her up for life" and is furious she won't get the house, because OP owns it, not the husband so she won't inherit anything from him, and DSD now wants her dad to divorce his wife so she can get something!

AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day? | Mumsnet

So sorry oo should have e RTFT

Yikes. You massively overreacted and driven some big wedges between all three of you. Time will tell how this will all turn out.

This girl sounds completely unhinged. How incredibly crass to size up the house like that. I'd have nothing to do with her from now on

@Gonedeaf Read ALL of OP's replies (there are only 12 and the 12 can be found on the link below, it only shows OP's replies) before posting.
There is far more to it, and the SD has now admitted she meant it and she expected it to "set her up for life" and is furious she won't get the house, because OP owns it, not the husband, and SD now wants her dad to divorce his wife so she can get something!

It's the SD who has driven the wedge by demanding an inheritance from the OP's own home that she paid for!

AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day? | Mumsnet

Im v sceptical about your DP in all of this. I think he led her to believe it was 50 50.

Tbf, how many couples get into the nitty gritty of it with their kids about how much the house is worth, how much mortgage is left, how the house is split , etc.?

@ThatBlackCat
You have the patience of a saint !

Do you feel worried about finances? Seems like a huge reaction disproportionate to the silly comment. So I’m wondering if it hit a raw nerve.

Absolutely, otherwise they would be getting the sheets etc and making up their own beds etc as they would have done when they lived there.

they are guests, people who don’t live there, coming to stay. They will then leave.

they are familiar, they are loved, they are special guests, but guests nonetheless.

I have a similar situation. 2nd marriage, no shared children.

I have three adult DCs, my DH has 2 adult DC (one NC and one LC). I hav never met them.
I own 72% of our home my DH owns 28%.

We have set up a interest in possession trust (which gives the survivor a life interest) We also have wills.
This protects each of our shares for our DC and allows the survivor to remain in the house until they die. They can also sell up and buy a new home, but need to preserve that capital.

We did this through a solicitor and felt it was the best way to protect things.

I think she might of asked him/made comments before and he has nodded along.

It becomes clearer if you read all OP’s posts.

What happens if you die first op? Does your dh lose his home?

It's good your dh has now told her the truth. She sounds unbalanced though. Do your dcs get on with her @BetLynchsEyes ?

My dcs are in their 20s and wouldn't dream of saying anything like this. They respect dh. They're independent with their own money.

I think we might have different relationships with our parents.

If you read the OP's updates you'd know exactly how raw that nerve is.

Just wow. What a horrible thing for the kid to say. Shows you the kind of conversations he's overheard though. I'd be tempted to change my will having heard that level of brazen entitlement.