AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

Had she had a drink? In vino veritas?
Your reaction was justified. She was rude, crass and disrespectful.

I think you've said your piece and made your point. Now it's time to let go.

Expecting your husband to do more work when hosting his daughter is entirely reasonable and a separate issue.

Sounds like a daft (but true I hope!) comment. I think you’ve massively overreacted. I think I would have just laughed. And all that about ‘my house’ is not nice of you either- it’s her dad’s home and it’s nice she comes to stay and see him. Are you jealous?

You have MASSIVELY overreacted! What on earth?! Clearly it was joking around with her parent, not wishing him dead. Good Lord.

I think it a stupid flip comment by DSD.
Perhaps due to a lot of talk in the media about the only way the younger generations can get on the property ladder is by inheritance. Doesn't mean she is wishing you both dead.

I think you both need a conversation then move on from this. Ot sounds highly dramatic to me.

I would not it stop her coming to stay. But I'd get DH to sort the room out for her.

I suspect there's underlying resentment on both sides, because it sounds like an overreaction from both of you. I personally would have let her comment go, but I couldn't put up with a grown woman crying and being dramatic. I wouldn't particularly want to entertain someone like that in my home, but for family harmony and for the sake of my DH I wouldn't have bitten when she made comment in the first place.

What a cheeky entitled thing to say! I wouldn't like that either. I don't blame you for calling her out on it. In any case, its not necessarily even true. Depending on your arrangements, it wouldn't be automatic that she would get half. I would have done exactly the same as you.

Did DH move into your house? Did you ring fence it?

I don’t understand why you have been doing all the prep and hosting, that’s for DH to do.

She is an adult, he can visit her at her house. I don’t see why you need to tolerate her in yours.

Also, surely it will form part of her inheritance one day? My DH and I consider how our house will form part of our kids' inheritance one day. I hope for her sake that her father has indeed prepared for her to inherit directly, should he die before you, as you sound like you will ensure she getd nothing from her father as you clearly do not consider her family. How sad for her.

Sounds like a sense of humour mismatch. It’s the kind of jokey comment we might make to each other in our family but obviously it didn’t land well with you.

Was she saying it to you or her dad? Because it sounds like the latter. And in that case then it wouldn’t offend me at all, it’s a joke with her dad.

It may well have been said in jest but I should hope that it actually is very true. (In fact, my house is going to ds in it's entirety when I die, with the caveat that my partner, if I'm still with him and he is living there, is given the option to stay).

You have definitely overreacted here, she's his daughter, so he should be stepping up more when she comes home, but you also need to get a grip. The 'my house' business is deeply unpleasant.

Who bought the house? If it is jointly owned then she is correct - her father’s half would usually be left to his children and your half to your children (with a split between any joint children). I have heard of situations where a parent passes away & step parent changes their arrangement to leave any property or money to their own children & essentially cutting out their deceased partners children. It sounds like she was just joking. It’s normal to make up a bed & sort food for a visitor. Maybe you feel resentful as your partner isn’t pulling his weight?

I don’t know why you were ever the one rolling out the red carpet, cleaning, shopping or cooking for her. He’s her dad, if he doesn’t want to bother it’s astonishing you’d do it for him. He won’t even back you up against her childish tantrum so never lift a finger for her on his behalf again.

Why, at 27, is she weeping and wailing like a 3 year old? I don’t tolerate that behaviour from my actual 3 year old. She sounds pathetic. Is this how he brought her up? Pandering to her bad behaviour and emotional incontinence? I’d find that very unattractive in a partner.

You were entirely reasonable and his unwillingness to back you up is a bad sign. I hope you’ve told him how spineless you find him and that you’re done hosting.

Unless there's a massive back story then I'd say you've overreacted and made a lot of drama out of a poorly-judged comment and didn't accept her trying to step back from it.

You over reacted. It's clear you don't like her and wanted a reason to kick off at her.

It was just a jokey comment that you took the wrong way.

I think if it was a one-off comment it would have been an over-reaction but sounds like this is a pattern. However your DH needs to be doing a lot more in terms of hosting them. I do think you and her could meet up (maybe on neutral ground) and talk it through to clear the air.

What’s more deeply unpleasant is relishing what you’ll get when the person hosting you is dead.

Wow, that was a major overreaction, which says there were other (maybe unacknowledged) feelings going on.
I think you should take a bit of time to talk to a professional, figure out what the real issue is, and then see if you still feel this way.
It sounds like she made a daft comment, and you wouldn't let her apologize/clarify, and now it's ruptured relationships.
That's a lot of damage from an offhand remark.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

That's on you not her.

I agree with your DH, there was no need for such a massive overreaction. Parents often say to their kids, 'this will all be yours one day'. It's a common expression and it's also common to joke about it.

And she's right. She will inherit your DH's half if there is anything left to inherit, so why does that bother you? Don't you want her to inherit from her father?

Was this the first time her partner was there?

I don't really get why you're so offended by it really, as the joke was about her dad? I'd understand if she had made a comment about you dying and her moving in instead or something. I wouldn't have made that comment myself but I know plenty of people who joke with their parents about inheritance, I don't think it's likely that she's meant it nastily, and certainly not with any aim at you - if anything it's all about her dad, she has even acknowledged only half would be hers.

Do you think it's hit a nerve because it's made you think she will be coming for half your home if you lose your partner? vs the usual arrangement in an 'intact' family where the remaining partner inherits all and children only inherit when the last parent passes?

I'm not sure it was much of a dig - without being too blunt we are all going to die and someone is going to inherit our things. That's just factual, if slightly tacky to discuss over dinner.

With that in mind, I'd say it was a pretty big overreaction on your part, but that's in the context of my own relationship with mum where this would have been seen as a joke and not taken at all seriously. Without hearing how it was said/the sort of relationship they have then it's hard to judge properly.

Shame you did not post in AIBU and enable voting… I’m sure most people would feel that there might have been better ways of handling this.

Half, as in, between her and a step sibling when you both pop your clogs or half, as in, when he pops his clogs and you still live there?

This can't be for real? You've made a huge issue and argument after a bit of light hearted humour. Wtf!