AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

My house is my childrens home. They are not guests. They are my kids. They can treat my house as their own.

I have. I still think the OP is wrong.

My mom and stepdad have been married for 30 years. I cannot tell you who owns what portion of the house, but I know if I want to have an open invitation, I must treat both respectfully.
My mother wouldn't even tolerate me making constant jibes at her husband (who I call and consider my dad), and he wouldn't tolerate his children doing the same to his wife.
If any of us did, we just wouldn't be allowed over their threshold. Simple.

Further to this, I had missed some of the OPs posts whilst posting. Whilst the comment would have been dismissed by me within my family, I see tha this is a lot more complex. She doesn't sound very kind, but entirely selfish, and whilst I had assumed that it was a throw away comment, I realise that she seemed to actually mean what she said. I would be inclined to ensure that the will is written to your exact specification. Get a good solicitor. I have. And ensure that your DH plays a greater part in preparation for her visits. That's assuming that she does continue to visit.

Would love to read your explanation of why. I like having my mind boggled now and again.

I think like many have said, although some people make general jokes about inheritance, they are only really jokes in a context of mutual love/liking and without this it’s just a nasty comment which appears to be the case here. That’s further backed up by the fact that she didn’t actually joke about what she would receive from her Dad but focused on telling her step mother “not to get comfortable” in her own home with the only interpretation being that once her father was dead her step mother would be out on her ear. That’s a threat, not a joke. Again this is further backed up by the daughter’s comments since about how she was relying on receiving half of the house and being outraged that she wasn’t.

In relation to the text she sent, I would simply reply factually that both parties have received the % holding in the house in line with their % contribution. Then block.

I think the real problem here is probably that her Father hasn’t stood up to her sooner. Allowing her to become extremely entitled.

I also predict that the daughter will soon
set about trying to manipulate her father saying it was a joke or claim to be stressed or some other way of avoiding accountability for her own nastiness. She will calculate this as her best option to get money from him. I don’t think she will give up on trying to extract money from the situation, given that clearly matters a lot more to her than her own parents.

Just ignore the “anti step mother brigade” on here. Honestly, on mumsnet if the step daughter stabbed you in the back you’d probably be accused of getting in the way of her knife! 😂Good luck OP!

I’m very much doubt it’s going to be an issue going forward. Would you visit someone whose wife lost their shit at you?

I'm not sure how it would out you to say... DH only owns 2 per cent or whatever!

I have no idea what proportion of houses my friends own let alone folk on t'web!

Your Oh needs to be clear with DSD that her assumption is wrong!

I know yoir DH has seemed to let things slide up until now, it seems he is on yoir side and unfortunately he’ll just have to see her on her own now. Within giving her a house deposit!

She's got more front than Blackpool pier.

When you are alone and feel a bit sad, remind yourself of how upset she was when she's not getting half your house and have a little smile. Maybe if she keeps on like this hubby can be encouraged to find an alternative option for his bit too. Play the long game and hope she enjoys her stupid prize.

Entitled little madam!

She's not wrong

huge overreaction

I feel like it was a massive overreaction on your part, unless there’s some other information you’re holding back. We joke in our family about inheritance etc, maybe it’s just our kind of humour but I’d have definitely taken this as a joke.

Especially when it’s a house they have never actually lived in!

Have you read all the OP's posts?

All of this. Quite unpleasant situation as it really doesn't sound like you like each other. You did overreact IMO.

The drip feeds were spectacular, yes.

The parts of this thread I've enjoyed most are the ones saying the OP brought it on herself by being a good host and struggling under the resentment. Also the ones who haven't read her updates.

This is very good.

Her behaviour is outrageous!!!

THIS
she sounds very spoiled and I would give a large DIG to your DH
he can host her you go out ….

🙄

There were no drip feeds required. If you thought any part of the daughter’s behaviour was ok from the first post alone that is very worrying…

If it was a joke she’d have apologised knowing it had gone down so badly. It was never a joke.

But your jokes are with people you know well/ have grown up with right?

OP met the stepdaughter at a much later age so it’s a very different relationship. You don’t “joke” like that with someone you are not on super close family terms with. And especially when there is a context of a remarriage so inheritance is a tricky subject. She should have gone to her dad for a frank chat if she was concerned about her inheritance.

I think your DH needs to take a really good hard look at who his daughter actually is.

She's a mean, grabby, entitled brat. If she can't take being called out on her nasty comments she needs to stop making them.

And at 27, she needs to hike up her big girl panties and stand on her own two feet not run to Daddy for a hand out or rely on an inheritance to fall back on!

Oh yes, hahahah, it’s just so funny when someone says they are going to take half of your house! Especially when they’ve no legal entitlement to it! Side splitting it is 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

He is her Dad though So like it or not she is family as much as OP would like her not to be.