AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

He only owns a quarter of that hot tub.

Ah, they left home and became not your children?

Maybe she should view life that her dad paid for most of her uni costs so she doesn’t have a massive student loan to repay. Effectively that’s like her inheritance in advance. I don’t know a lot of parents who could do that - I gave my DC as much as possible but it barely scratched the surface of the fees.

It sounds like your DH needs to meet with her face to face in a few days and set out that firstly, he contributed X to the house, secondly she should not expect any inheritance and thirdly she owes you both an apology.

He can also step up and do a bit more of the hosting going forward, if she apologises that is!

Poor man. What a shock to realise his daughter is so mercenary and cold hearted.

I suspect unfortunately that he will allow himself to sink back into illusion and brush it under the carpet, since he didn't take issue with the horrible wedding comments and perhaps can't face the fact that his daughter is demanding that he divorce his wife.

I have some sympathy with her expecting some inheritance - most people do throughout history, if there's anything to inherit at all - but it's beyond tasteless to expect a greater inheritance because your father remarried to a better off woman, while being snide and horrible to said woman including on her wedding day!

Your children have to stay your priority until they are around 20 imo (unless they are particularly vulnerable) but they can't and shouldn't dictate the rest of your life.

It's also a bit of a surprise, although it shouldn't be by now, to realise just how many people don't bother to read even the OP's posts.

To be honest, I think even showing up and asking for money towards a deposit is entitled. and especially when she has been treating you with low-level contempt for years. Sounds like it’s time for her to grow up and get a reality check.

She will be an absolute nightmare the minute she hears there’s any sign of one of you passing away.

So she just assumed you would beware compliant little wife and consider the house a joint property shared equally, and then that you'd allow her dad to hand her half the value of, mostly, someone else's house, just cos he's the man #BeKind And best of all for her, she thought that meant she'd get her house deposit without even needing to be nice to you. Oh dear. 😃

If you're not being deliberately awkward then I don't have the time, will or crayons to help you understand.

Ok you need honest opinions: Yes a slightly overfamiliar comment but myself and my husbands siblings say tongue in cheek stuff like this to our parents all the time, all just banter but obviously she pitched that level of closeness/ humour at you and it didn't go down well at all. I would assume that what she said is essentially true though? , you have a partner with a child and I would think it's likely he will have provided substantially for her in his estate. Did that irk you? You're reaction was extremely strong? Secondly it is you who is choosing to run around after her doing the prep, presumably she doesn't specifically request you to do that stuff, so don't do it of your own choice and then say they are taking the piss, if you don't like doing it don't do it and then hold them to invisible ransom for it , you can only blame yourself there if you were doing work you hadn't been asked to do and don't want to do

Why? Do you think you're entitled to an inheritance? I don't think anyone is. SD shouldn't either, especially after being so rude.

I agree. That “joke” was rude and directed at OP, not, as others have said “it was about her dad”

DH has admitted that his daughter has a mean streak, he just never did anything about it, probably for an easy life. OP’s blowup made brushing it under the rug impossible now.

At least now the blinders are fully off & SD is aware of the limits to her inheritance, as much as she does want to accept them. Imagine poor OP having to deal with all of this vitriol if SD had only found out about it after DH passed away?

hopefully SD will go crying to her own mum and, if she is lovely as OP stated, she will read her daughter the riot act for her selfish grabby attitude.

Especially to ask in front of the new partner, making it harder/more awkward to say no. This should have been done privately, if at all.

Thoughts and prayers to her partner too. Hope he runs a mile.

Sorry, late and not read it all, however, the comment alone wasn't so bad but I get a feeling it's just another in a long line of comments like this. I hate people who do these little digs constantly, well, or at all tbh. Immature and horrible.

Well done for picking her up on it. You don't need this, in your own home. Perhaps she will come around and stop the silly behaviour and you both can start afresh. Let hubby take over it all for now.

Her expectation of being able to turf you out of your home would be bizarre even if your dh did own 50%. It is normal for spouses to make a lifetime provision for each other.

Anyway, sounds like a good thing it has all come out now. Hopefully saves you or your children from being forced into expensive legal action later if she challenged the inheritance

Is this your first day on the internet?

If you’re going to post, at least read all of the op’s posts.

Hi OP 👋
I haven't read the full thread, just your posts and I must say, aren't you glad in a way that it all came to a head now and she has shown her true colours? Because her sly little comments would have probably just carried on, so it's better late than never. 🤔

If I was your DH, I would tell her the truth and say, when I divorced your mum, she got 100% of the house, so your inheritance is tied up in that, therefore speak to your mother. This house is mostly OPs, so unlucky chucky - so to speak. 💰

It sounds like she has gotten away with this banter bollocks for far too long, and when she is caught out on it she morphs into tiny tears with the poor me dramatics... but that tactic didn't work this time around, and she has exposed herself for what she really is... a mean spirited, gold-digging, little witch. 😠

I wouldn't give her the 5* hotel treatment any longer. Whenever she visits, her dad can accommodate her and you can always go out for brunch or a nice walk/ activity for a couple of hours.
There's no way she should have spoken to you guys like that in your own home. It was the straw that broke the camels back, and she exposed her true self.
Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
@BetLynchsEyes 💐

But it is not the SD home. The OP and her husband met when the daughter was 20 they moved into a new house. The daughter has no familial connection with this house. It is not her home she has never lived there it is the place where her dad lives with the OP. The OP cooks and cleans she is a guest

First reply I thought you had over reacted - then read the others - omfg. She is an entitled little madam

where did she think the money for your home came from ? Glad it’s legally documented with the % dh owns which obv isn’t a lot

why didn’t you buy a home yourself and him pay rent /or just household bills and move in with you ?

also why are you cleaning the room, making the bed, buying the food etc when she stays ? Why is dh doing this for his daughter ?

Of course they are still her children. But doesn't mean they aren't also guests when they come to stay. Where did you get this weird idea it needs to be one or the other?

She hasn’t handled this well, but she has seen both her parents get new partners with other children in tow, so is seeing (jn her mind) her inheritance, if an only child, being diminished.

And it happens many times that new families, especially on the dad’s side, can take priority over their existing DC.

@BetLynchsEyes you are younger and dh will probably go first is your thinking .
So what does his dd get when he passes , nothing ? Then it’s all given to your kids .
I can see why she isn’t happy . Why did you get married when you knew he had a dd. ?

I think you sound pretty selfish and she has your card marked from the beginning. Clearly she is the problem in your eyes .
Do you mind hosting for your two kids ? I bet not .

You are not at all unreasonable. She has been rude to you in the past and dismissive of your value to her dad.

It's good that the scales have fallen from his eyes and he finally realises that she has behaved badly toward you. I would leave it to him to sort out with her. Any (well-deserved) ire towards her on your part should not be shared with him.

You have grossly overreacted over the comment. She was having a bit of repartee with her Dad. Clumsy but not malicious.
On the subject of “hosting” if it makes you feel resentful then don’t put so much effort in. Get her to make up the beds, and strip them when she leaves. Get your DH to cook for you all. You don’t have to be a martyr.
And of course she should be able to come and stay with her dad on occasions, if she ever wants to again, which is probably doubtful.