AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

It was a silly joke on her part, but a massive overreaction from you.

Kindly - I do agree with this. You haven’t said whether it is your house only, though - if your DH moved into your house, owned by you, then it’s fair enough that you took issue with the comment. But otherwise, it’s a silly/crass comment. Fair enough to be miffed, but I think think you should have accepted the apology/allowed her to row back on it.

She was crass, you over reacted and she then behaved like a spoiled child - does DH treat her like a princess?

You will need to draw a line and move on but I would 100% be telling DH that he will be taking the lead in hosting from now on. Let him sort the spare room and shop for them. I'm also wondering why you doing it all in the first place anyway?

Nailed it.

You made the point, move on. But no harm in taking a step back. Leave all the cleaning, arranging, cooking to DH. I think part of why you're understandably hurt is that there appears to have been no appreciation from anyone in the family for all you've done, and continue to do. You can't change them, and their ability to recognise your efforts - but you can change what YOU do.

You were absolutely right to pull her up on her very rude and arrogant comment. But you are wrong to say she can never stay there again. That’s her father’s home as well as yours, of course he will want her to stay there.

Everything everyone said sounds clumsy and the reactions seem to be based in preexisting resentments. I think that you and she both over reacted and your DH is too passive in managing the relationship between you and her.

If there were no pre-existing issues then the comment would likely have been laughed off or otherwise dismissed and the conversation moved on. The resentment around you providing for your DSD when she comes to visit is nothing to do with what she said. You can sort that out by not doing those things anymore and making it clear that DH needs to be involved in the prep for a visit.

Is your DSD going to eventually inherit a share of the house? Are you happy about that if she is?

I mean I can see why you’re annoyed with the hosting but in this specific case yeah I feel like you’ve massively overreacted.

You should have taken up the hosting issue with your husband a long time ago.

Jesus 27 years of age and she was crying instead of just saying "ah shit sorry it was a daft thing to say, i just didnt think"?

No wonder the boyfriend looked mortified, how embarassing of her and hes probably wondering if she'll turn everything round and make out shes the victim and turn on the waterworks every time its pointed out shes said a shitty thing.

I probably should have included this in the original post but I didn’t want to make it too long.

A few people have talked about whether his daughter would inherit half from him.

The answer is no. The house is mostly mine.

I owned my previous house before I met DH. When we moved here, most of the deposit/equity came from me. We had this all done legally properly at the time and DH only owns a small percentage of the house. I own the majority.

I’m not going to give exact numbers because I don’t want to out myself, but it is not 50/50. Not even close.

So when DSD sat at my dinner table and said “don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day”, it wasn’t just rude, it was also completely wrong. That is partly why I reacted so strongly. It felt like she had built this whole little fantasy in her head that her dad owns half the house and therefore she is somehow entitled to a chunk of it eventually. She really isn't. I have 2 children of my own who will inherit the majority of the estate. It is my family's money handed down and it needs to go to my children. DH has known this from the start and was happy to sign the legal documents to confirm this. He is older than me so it's more likely I'll be looking after him in his old age.

DH has known the whole time what the ownership split is, obviously. Which is another reason I’m annoyed at him, because he sat there acting like I had overreacted when he knows full well she was talking nonsense.

I asked him last night whether he has ever given her the impression that the house is half his. He said no, but then got defensive and said “she probably just assumed.”

Well, exactly. She assumed. And instead of correcting that assumption quietly or telling her she was out of line, he let me look like the wicked stepmother for objecting.

I’ve told him very clearly now that I will not be made to feel like an intruder in a house I mostly paid for. I am not going to host someone who walks around here thinking she has some future claim on half of it.

And before anyone says “but she’s his daughter”, yes, I know. I think he needs to have a proper conversation with her and explain that she has massively overstepped.

She did say she was joking. The OP kicked off by going on about cooking etc.

Sounds like a jokey comment that fell flat and you massively overreacted. If you don't want to do all the prep work for hosting and cooking, don't do it. Her father can do it. But why you got so upset about a silly comment, I don't know! If I were your DH, I'd be pretty pissed off too 🤷‍♀️

Quite the drip feed there.

Wow. You sound quite unpleasant, OP.

Even with the drip feed - you clearly dislike your step daughter

your DH should tell her the facts because given your mutual dislike there’s going to be a shitshow if he predeceases you. But that is really on him not her - he needs to be clear with her what inheritance she can expect. Yes it can be an awkward conversation but it’s very important

I'd have winked at her and said 'Will it?' In an amused tone, and moved on. It would then be up to her if she wanted to 'make a big thing of it' or to stew over if she was being serious.

All children say things like that jokingly. I have told my mum many times she is spending my inheritance (she really is, she's nearly 85) and she just laughs 😃

Let it go. It’s just a joke.

Im just not a fan of people who say shitty things then blame the other person for "taking it the wrong way".

Maybe her comment was an ill judged joke, or maybe she is looking forward to a big payday in the future. Your DH needs to sit her down and explain the ownership split (and also confirm in writing) so that she is not blindsided when the time comes to inherit.

To be honest it does sound like a stupid comment, a silly attempt at a joke. I used to miss the mark like this all the time in my 20s.

your reaction got a bit out of hand and the resultant situation sounds mortifying and well out of proportion.

why did it trigger you so much when she said she’d inherit half a house?

It was a very stupid comment but my god what an overreaction

I think you massively over reacted

That was a giant drip feed! It's totally fine to joke about inheritances and you were weirdly overreacting to it if she was going to inherit half the house. As she's not, because it's not your husband's to pass on, but seemingly he hasn't told her about that legal arrangement... well he better do unless he wants her to be in for a massive shock when he dies!

Why didn’t YOU say, “actually, your dad doesn’t own half of it” instead of flying off the handle and jumping to the conclusion she wants you both dead?

And no, telling us the split of the mortgage will in no way be outing. How could it possibly be?

Hope you have a watertight will otherwise things may not pan out the way you expect.