AIBU to say DSD can’t stay here anymore after joking half my house will be hers one day?

[BetLynchsEyes]

I’m probably too close to this so need honest opinions because DH thinks I’ve gone nuclear.

DH has a daughter from his first marriage. She’s 27. We’ve never had a terrible relationship but it’s never exactly been warm either. I’ve always felt like she sort of tolerates me rather than actually likes me, which is fine, she doesn’t have to love me, but I do expect basic respect.

Whenever she visits she stays with us. I clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation, all of it. DH enjoys having her here but realistically I’m the one doing most of the hosting.

Anyway, last weekend she came to stay with her partner. We were having dinner and DH made some offhand comment about being lucky the mortgage was paid off. His daughter laughed and said “Well, don’t get too attached, half of it will be mine one day.” I honestly just froze. I know she’ll say it was only a joke but it didn’t feel like one. It felt really nasty.

I said, “That’s a horrible thing to say.” She immediately said I was taking it the wrong way and she was joking. I said, “You’re sat in my house, eating food I made, talking about it like you’re waiting to inherit it. How else am I supposed to take it!?”

Then it all kicked off a bit. She started crying and getting hysterical. She has form for doing this when she's been called out on horrible comments.

DH told me to leave it, which annoyed me even more becuase I feel like I’m ALWAYS expected to leave things. She got upset and said I’d never liked her. I said that wasn’t true, but I was sick of being polite while she makes digs and then acts all innocent.

Her partner looked mortified. She ended up crying even louder and they left earlier than planned. Now DH says I embarrassed her and made a stupid comment into a massive issue. He says she was clumsy, not malicious, and that saying she can’t stay again is way too harsh.

But I can’t get past it. Maybe it was “just a joke” but I don’t want to wash sheets, cook meals and play happy host for someone who apparently sees my home as her future inheritance.

I’ve said she can still visit her dad obviously, but I don’t want to wait on her hand and foot anymore and just put up with horrible digs.

AIBU or have I properly overreacted?

that's clearly the view of the OP

it's quite sad

That's not the view of the OP: she was the one changing linens and preparing dinner for her dh's daughter and partner. The OP has been doing everything for her dh's daughter and is only met with greed and ingratitude. @BetLynchsEyes I would just ignore this entitled woman from now on. And let your dh do the hosting.

spoilt?

Because the OP " clean the spare room, sort the bedding and towels, buy extra food, cook, make conversation*?

that's the bare minimum for guests you barely know, imagine treating a child like that. It was made very clear that the SDS was barely tolerated as a guest, and she was not to consider her dad's house as her home.

No, OP's kids are more welcome because they aren't entitled grabby arseholes

My parents still own and live in the house I grew up in. It isn't my home and hasn't been for years. When I visit I am both a guest and part of the family.

There is nothing in the OP’s posts to suggest that as far as I can see. OP has put up with her comments for years so this sounds like the last straw to me.

and you think the OP would describe her relationship with her own children that way? that coldly?

Give over.

A normal reaction would have been to laugh, or to roll your eyes.
The over-reaction is ridiculous.

None of my grown up children are guests, My house is their house.

There's obviously history between OP and DSD, and maybe DH isn't pulling his weight & sits on his arse whilst OP is running round prepping for DSD's arrival. Maybe the adults need to have a grown up conversation and get everything out in the open - conversations that haven't been had & resentment that's built? You both have to be on the same page as a couple so that DSD can't keep doing this cos if she sees a gap she'll get in it.

We've had similar issues with my DD (she lives with us) & my partner's DD who has her own place & kids, she doesn't like me & I've fallen over myself to be nice to her but nothing has changed. We haven't seen or heard from her for over a year following a string of nasty text messages, her dad called her out.

Then presumably they've never done or said anything to make themselves unwelcome in it. Even you must have your limits.

@BetLynchsEyes

I'm assuming you want your share of the house to go to your children. I agree. Just make sure you have that all sewed up right and tight legally so that it can't be changed should you predecease him.

Wow! How awful. I doubt she'll want to come back. I would not bother with you any more if I were you, or your DH.

I'm confused why people are saying the OP should have laughed this off when its since come out that the DSD had huge expectations of accessing a significant amount of money that wasn't her Dad's to gift to her in the first place, and now she's found that out she is trying to find some legal remedy to get her hands on it. That's the issue here, not the OP hosting with the clean sheets and making conversation etc.

Make sure the wills are drafted so that its vested to you until you don’t need it and not drafted that you have to sell the house to pay out your partner’s part to her ( if you survive him obvs)
Sounds like a massive overreaction on her part IMO

Sound like she was only bothering for the (non existing) inheritance anyway.

I don't host my children. They are not guests. They are family.

You’d cut contact with your own dad if you found out he didn’t have much money to leave you when he dies? Wow. I hope your dad knows you’re just after any money you can get.

I believe that in the majority of cases inheritance goes to the spouse.

Yes you do, if they don't live at your house. Why do you think of guests and family as mutually exclusive?

That’s up to you. Others are just as free to decide differently.

Because they are my children. Do you think that they stop being your children when they leave home? They don't become guests ffs.

I’ve got two of my DC back staying here at the moment with their partners. I have cleaned rooms, changed bedding, made plans including them, bought extra food-I am definitely hosting.

You stopped treating them like your kids then?

Very poor behaviour from your stepdaughter.
Did she assume when you and your dh bought your house that it was bought with a mortgage and deposit from you both and that’s why she assumed it would be half hers one day?
I know my kids joke about their inheritance with our house but from the comments she’s made previously it was obviously another dig.

i hope she apologises as it’s not a nice situation for you all.

YES. THEY. DO. By definition. They don't live there any more.

house I thought would help secure my future has basically been kept from me

Wow, what a greedy, spoilt little maddam she is. I hope your husband is seeing what a nasty, spiteful and spoilt brat he raised. He has indulged her behaviour and let you down. I wouldn't be in a hot tub with him, I'd be too bloody furious at the way he took her side every single time and now it has blown up. I wouldn't even be sleeping in the same room as him until he made some MAJOR changes in the way he treated me and really did things to make it right.