Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Your mum is already lining him up
to be near to you if anything happens to her. Your brother really needs to get assessed and helped into work somehow or claim if he is able too and gain some independence. Your poor mum, shes probably had no life for 31 years.

I think I would be tempted to lie, and mention you might be moving away in the near future, in the hope that will deter her from moving close to you.

My dad was never like he was to me to my brothers. My dad hated the fact that I was all my mama and grandad and just wanted to be with them when my mum was at work.

If they buy the neighbour’s house, put yours on the market (only half kidding!).

Not one that stops you living normally.

Sorry, I didn't make myself clear. I meant that the ship had sailed on OPs mother enabling her sons dependence on her.
I know from my own family, it's a difficult thing to unpick, especially if OPs mum is getting something from her sons dependency as well.

It puts me in mind of the man who goes to the Dr and says Dr, please help my wife thinks she's a chicken. She's scratched all the garden up and shits around the house. The Dr says so why dont you leave her? , to which the man replies, I need the eggs.

Having T1D definitely doesn't stop you leading a full life!!!

My son has it. Diagnosed at 11. Had a couple of scary teenage years, then he got a grip. He bought his house with his GF when they were 23. Is a CIPFA Accountant who won every Scottish and UK prize when he was doing his exams (while working full time). Is now earning far more than his Dad and I ever earned, is going to Australia for 4 weeks in September with his GF and his two best friends and their partners (we have the cat who hates everyone including my son 😂) and is getting married in NY next August. His GF has been with him since they were 15 so went through the scary years with us (they're now 30). They have travelled the world!

He has a great life.

You are correct, of course. In that T1 diabetes is generally covered by the 2010 Equality Act.

But no T1 diabetic I know considers themselves disabled.

What's all this nonsense about "grassing your kids up?

Is it more that you just don't want him & your mum knowing everything that goes on?

How does your other brother feel about it all?

Does he feel guilt/responsibility?

Hi.

I have an adult son in his early 30s who's severely disabled and lives 'independently' (i.e. with paid support).

You need to contact Adult Social Care. Sorry, but your mother is being abusive by making sure that your brother is entirely dependent on her. It's extremely unhealthy and illegal. He's an adult.

I might sound a bit weird saying this, but the fact she wants to move practically next door to you makes her seem oddly controlling.

OP, do you think you might benefit from some help to change your mindset on this? You can't change your mother or your brother but you CAN change your approach.

It is not either he is on the streets or you have to take responsibility for him.

If your mother can no.longer cope then between you you can assist him to find somewhere independent that is suitable for his needs.

I would say to your mum that there is no guarantee you will be in your house long term and you are already thinking of moving elsewhere.

He is NOT disabled.

What needs?

Even if your brother inherits 1/3 of a house that's still a good amount of money for him to pay for housing for a while. He won't be immediately homeless.

I think that is the point she was making, that if her son who is disabled can live independently then OPs brother, who isnt disabled, has no excuse.

My son has cerebal palsy and he lives in his own place with no support other than the occasional help from us. Because I taught him how to do stuff for himself, helped him get equipment to assist in daily tasks etc. I agree that what the mother has done is abusive.

Im a type 1 diabetic and do not consider myself disabled!!! How insulting are some people on this thread.

I agree too.

Your DM likes having her son dependent on her. She actively enjoys it. Diabetes rarely stops anyone from having a job and being independent - does your DB believe that he's too ill to work? Is she constantly in his ear telling him that he'll never cope, he'll never manage because she's afraid he might leave her and then she will be alone?

My DB has diabetes - he's lost part of a leg to it. I utterly adore him - but over my dead body would I ever have him living with me; he's an adult bloke and it's up to him to sort out his life (even though our DM did a good job of keeping him at home...)

I don't agree that ops mom had been abusive. Has she been actively encouraging him not to work as opposed to providing a roof over his head? Yes children and adults should be encouraged to be independent if they are able, but op hadn't posted enough to indicate abuse.

DD leaving when he was ten obviously isn't great.

@OP mentioned her DD also never worked, so bit of an unhealthy generational dynamic there. OP did t meantion wether he has any qualifications or training.

Isn’t it ? Would you like to explain that to my brother who has lost both legs due to diabetes and associated serious vascular problems ? It’s perfectly true that some people can live with the condition but as with all disability not all sufferers are affected in the same way. Diabetes causes major disability in some - depends how well controlled and whether medication is effective or not.

Meh.