Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

You'll be surprised by what he can do when there is no other option! Stop worrying and leave your mum and brother to live their lives how they choose. None of it is your problem, you should be enjoying your own family not stressing over this.

I would be forthright in saying you don't want them as neighbours, though.

Just keep reinforcing the point that he categorically can not move in with you. If it comes up, say in front of everyone even in a jokey way ‘When Mum pops her clogs in twenty years, don’t think I’ll be looking after you John! You’ll be a bloke in your 50’s. My kids will be long gone and me and DH will be off on our jollies, and holidaying in the med so think on.’

Keep saying it. I have done this with my awful in-laws.

With regards to the house move I would do every thing in my power to sabotage that. Tell your Mum that house has had subsidence issues, tell the owner your Mum has CCJs and loads of debt. Tell your Mum ‘Don’t buy it on account of it being near us, as soon as the kids finish school, we won’t to move.’

You need to be honest now and tell her when she dies you won’t take your brother. He’s diabetic not severely learning disabled and I say that as a mum of a diabetic kid with autism!

Yep, me too. I’m wondering if this brother has always delegated responsibility for his diabetes to his mother too. Perhaps some educational support might help him be more independent. He could also push for a pump with closed loop. My guess is he might not be looking after his diabetes in the optimal way, expecting his mum to do that too, and possibly lacking the knowledge to take over his own care. When everything’s done for you, the idea that anything needs your attention can often be rejected quite firmly by the person.

The OP isn't wrong to be thinking about this now. No-one knows what's around the corner. My DH developed cancer at 54 and died at 59. Yes, in a perfect world, the mother will live to a ripe old age and remain healthy, but old age isn't guaranteed to any of us.

OP you have to keep reiterating to your mum that you have neither the space, the money or the desire to take on your brother when she's no longer able to (or deceased). Maybe look into getting some therapy to deal with the guilty feelings.

No Mum I am not looking after Josh he is a grown adult man. The fact you have treated him like a child all his life is your fault. The fact he hasn’t become an adult and moved out and got a life and job independently is his responsibly.

If you move closer than is your choice but he won’t be coming around and I won’t be his carer.

He also needs to stop behaving liking a spoilt brat when he comes round seemingly to play with teenager friends rather than friends his own age.

and stop having him round

the children don’t like you as you behave like a bratty teenager when you grow up and move out and have some self respect rather than living as a mummy’s boy you can come round.

My husbands brother is autistic diagnosed in 1990. He has never lived away from his parents, never been to university, never had a job, never worked etc ever and certainly never had a girlfriend. We have made it clear (they live an hour or more away) that we are not his carers. No. He can possibly go once a month when we have retired but that’s it. He will have to manage with carers and help. My in-laws are lovely but up until 2 years ago (father in law died) he didn’t do much to help. Now he maintains the garden and helps with cooking. But we can’t be his carer. It’s not possible we have 3 ND kids here. We had a difficult but open conversation some parents enable children to remain children and some have a reason not to launch. Providing his diabetes is manageable he should be able to sort himself out? Unless there are other reasons.

Sorry OP but it’s not your brother that’s the problem it’s your mother. She is clearly manipulative and has done a number on both you and your brother. You are terrified of upsetting her and he has become dependent on her so he won’t leave her.

You really need to get some counselling to work through your issues on this. You sound like a caring daughter but that doesn’t mean you have to take on board the issues she has created. It’s not healthy for someone to not work who has the capability. It’s not healthy to go running to your parent as an adult to tell tales on your siblings or young relatives. She has allowed this to happen. In some ways I feel a bit sorry for your brother as he is the product of her poor parenting.

It would do you a lot of good to overcome your issues with your mother too. It is not usual to be that scared of your parent as an adult. If she has a sulk that’s her problem not yours. I suggest you find a therapist who specialises in working with narcissistic family dynamics or just dysfunctional relationships. They will help you to develop boundaries and not get overwhelmed because your mother has a tantrum. It may take time but eventually it will get better and you’ll be able to keep emotionally balanced whatever your mother’s antics.

https://welldoing.org/
https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb

If you do go down this route I recommend you see someone face to face rather than online. It’s generally better for relational therapy which I think is what you need.

If you can’t afford therapy then go to YouTube and watch videos about how to manage family dynamics, particularly in narcissistically affected families.

This is going to be really hard but you have to be totally clear with your Mum.
I will not be responsible for brother. He will not be coming to live with me ever. He is a grown man that needs to get a life now. Please do not move closer to me if that is your agenda

There's a thing called a deed of variation - you can sign over your inheritance to him if you want, when the time comes. IF the time comes - maybe it'll all go on her care. Your brother, if homeless, would be eligible for council housing. You can't be made responsible for him. It will only happen if you choose it.

You owe your mother one thing: all the information, so she can plan accordingly . If you are not going to house him or become his carer, tell her that, clearly. When she says he can live with you, tell her, no, you are not going to do that, so unless your other brother feels differently, there needs to be another plan.

Regardless of whether your Mum has babied your brother all his life, he is an autonomous human being who could have sorted his own life out. Ultimately it really doesn't matter what your Mum expects, you have your own family and their right to enjoy their own home trumps everything else in this situation. You shouldn't have to but I'd play the husband card. Sorry Mum, it's a flat no from my DH. There's nothing else you be said, take it up with him if you don't like it. I'm assuming he's strong enough to tell her he has no intention of supporting a full grown man who should be fully capable of supporting himself?

That sounds like a good result! She won't move and there might be a bit of distance.

It sounds like he won’t rather than can’t. What motivation does he have now to do so? Mummy finances his life so he doesn’t even have to claim benefits, she cooks his food, houses him, washes his clothes, while he sits on his arse playing silly games like hiding your DD’s phone - games which anyone out of primary school would find embarrassing.

He’s taking advantage of your mum, and she’s damaging his chance to be a normal functioning adult. Personally, I’d tell them both that. If you care about your brother and if your mum truly cares about him rather than keeping him infantilised as a grown-up baby, you’d all be working to launch him into adult life. That might mean being firm, but it would be for his long term benefit.

You need to tell her very clearly that you won't be housing him and caring for him when she dies and that you won't be able to give him any support if she becomes incapacitated so she needs to make suitable arrangements. Have your DH with you when you talk to her.
And while you are at it, tell her you do not want them moving 2 doors down because it is too close, he bullies your kids and it's not acceptable and you still won't be able to give him any support even if he is practically next door.

I know diabetes 1 is a shit disease but that shouldn't be used as an excuse. We have a young person in our family who has it and now he's a young adult he manages the condtion himself, has a good job, a girlfriend and is looking at moving into his own place.

Agree too and it was clear that 'no' was a typo as op had actually spelled the word know in the very same post. @IHate clearly has no eye for detail or context, however they have chosen a perfect user name 👏

It seems to me that your mum has "groomed" you to always do what she wants by the way she reacts if you don't. This may be out of her awareness or it may be deliberate

One reason why you feel so anxious and uncomfortable about saying no to her might be that the feelings triggered are those you've experienced from childhood when of course you were powerless and your relationship with your mum was much more " life and death".

I'd suggest you do tell your mum that you aren't happy with her moving so close but that also you think about having some counselling so that you can work through the difficult feelings.

I do empathise.

You’re doing the same as your mother busy babying your brother. You need to stop talking to her and asking what the plan is. Firstly it none of your concern, but if you want to know you should speak to him about what he intends to do- rather than think it’s a plan that others need to work out for him.

@Shaunansco12 Fuck your mother if she is giving you the silent treatment for asserting ordinary common sense boundaries or expressing a preference.

She is, in my book, an abuser, as she has made your poor db dependant on her. Stand up to her, you will feel so much better.

Your mum is being a martyr and she's passed that mindset onto you. I don't mean that nastily, and it's not your fault, but you have to get rid of this mentality or you'll spend your entire life anxious.

I think this is one of the things CBT might actually be really good for - have you ever tried it? It could help you reframe your thinking from guilt towards e.g. being proud of putting your own family first.

I’m in a similar situation and my parents have just assumed brother will come to live with me once they’re gone. I was so brainwashed by them I just accepted it as there was no other option, I mentioned it to DH once and he said no, your adult brother is not coming to live in our house and it kind of snapped me out of it. No one can make me take him on, I’ll help him arrange somewhere to live but it won’t be in my house.

as controlling as your mum evidently is, I think that it’s actually your brother that needs to have this spelt out to him.

bro, what are your life plans? I’m asking because mum seems to think that you’ll come to live with me when she’s no longer around. But you have to understand that won’t be happening. I’ve got my own family and you’ll need to find your own way. Why don’t you go speak to the job centre about your options? You do realise that without having paid into NI that your options are limited?

the house move is a separate issue. Tell mum that your DC need to grow so they’re not as dependent on wider family as your bro has become.

in fact, now is the perfect time for you, DB1 and DB2 to have a family conference about the future. “ Mums moving house and reaching retirement age. So let’s talk about how this looks so that mum has the best retirement and isn’t under any more stress or financial pressure than she should be. We’ll all need to step up and take responsibility for our own lives. “

2 doors away! Do you not know your neighbour who is selling? Can you not have a word with them/beg them not to sell to your mother? Maybe wait until she actually makes an offer, I bet she doesn't. I've seen these sort of tactics with manipulative family members.
As for what happens when your mums gone I really wouldn't worry about that. She's only 63 and you have no responsibility here. She failed to raise her son to be an independent adult, that's not your problem to solve. I just wouldn't engage on the topic.

Your mother has not been a good mother OP.
You sound scared of her and she is enabling your bothers life of dependence instead of encouraging him to grow up and find a life.
She doesn't sound qualified to comment on your own parenting.
Time to tell her a few home truths, like the rest of us on here would do.

Oh stop it. You have seen her use it correctly elsewhere in the post, she doesn't need your condescension. Find a less tragic way to make yourself feel big.

Such eloquence. You should definitely be advising other people on how to express their thoughts.

Does your mum work or have an occupational / private pension? Will she be able to manage financially at retirement age??

It will become a problem in the future when your mum eventually gets older and needs help. Your brother will likely be useless to support her.