Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

What's preventing him getting a job sound's a sponger

My brother is type one diabetic. Lost both legs to it, along with associated vascular problems. Why is it insulting ? Diabetes is recognised as a disability under the Equality Act 2010. The concept that there are varying degrees of disability caused by various conditions is an alien concept on MN.

That’s great. But having worked as a disability outreach worker for over twenty years, and having a brother who is type one diabetic, for me the reality is somewhat different than a sweeping generalisation. A combination of diabetes and associated peripheral arterial disease (directly caused by the diabetes) resulted in the loss of both his legs. And during my career I came across many people - especially mid life - developing associated conditions which were certainly life affecting and definitely disabling. Once again, as always with MN, if it hasn’t happened to particular posters then it doesn’t exist.

And the qualification enabling you to make that unequivocal statement is……?

Well yes. He didn't manage it properly. Or the people who looked after him in the NHS didn't or didn't maybe tell him how to manage it. What age was he when it was diagnosed?

My son was diagnosed with type one when he was 11 and I thought my world had ended. It runs in my husband's family. I couldn't say to him "if you take this medicine you'll get better" because he will always have it and will never be better. I would have taken it off him if I could.

BUT, then people at work told me they had type one, or their brother had type one, or their daugher etc etc etc. So I calmed down a bit.

BUT, the NHS were (and still are) brilliant with people with DT1. He gets really looked after even now (he's 30).

I'm sorry about your brother.

I have numerous family members with T1 diabetes. They all work, have children and lead normal lives.

What ?? Of course he managed it ‘properly’. The fact that he developed peripheral arterial disease was directly attributable to the diabetes itself, not because of anything he did wrong. He followed medical advice, did everything right and still lost his legs to it. It happens. Catch yourself on.

Good for them. Some people develop associated conditions, some people don’t - doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

My adult son has T1 and has become blind. He's had it for 25 years. Unfortunately, it's quite possible to do everything right but blood sugars can go out of control which, as I'm sure you know, is what causes problems with retinopathy or neuropathy. Some people don't have any problems at all. Others aren't as fortunate, when he was diagnosed there were no CGMs, no insulin pumps available. It took a lot to get those and it was too late to prevent blindness.
Please can people remember that it's not always the case that T1 patients are negligent, sometimes it's just bad luck.

Yep. Absolutely. The level of ignorance as to how serious T1 can be is staggering, especially when coming from those who actually have it. Fine if you don’t consider yourself disabled - wonderful, get on and live your life, but please remember that unfortunately some are not so lucky. A poster upthread said she was insulted to be considered disabled because of T1, but that doesn’t alter the fact that it is considered a disability under the Equality Act 2010. Simply because some people with the condition require the accommodations available under the Act to be able to participate in the workplace and life generally.

I will NOT "catch myself on". My son develeoped an eating disorder on top of it (typical of teen DT1's) and was almost sectioned as he was a danger to himself. The team who worked with him had lost three teenagers in a week and didn't want to lose a fourth.

I made sure that didn't happen but me, my husband and my oldest son hardly slept a wink for two years.

So YOU catch yourself on.

In fact, my FIL who was type one got a blocked artery in his leg and they went private to get it fixed and my (now) husband left school at 16 to get a job to support his parents and three wee brothers as his dad lost his business due to it all!

What age is your brother and what age was he diagosed?

I don't think two people who have dealt with this should be point scoring tbh.

The OPs brother doesn't seem to have these type of problems.

I’m so sorry. That must be so distressing - both for your son and for you as a mum. My brother developed neuropathy and unfortunately developed ulcers on both feet and legs due to associated peripheral arterial disease, which restricted the blood supply to his lower legs. He did everything right. Looked after his diet, took his meds and despite so much effort in his part and that of the clinicians looking after him, they were unable to save his legs. He went through hell before the amputations and has adapted well afterwards - fiercely independent. Thank you for your supportive post. I find it really insulting that those who should know better put this down to mismanaging his condition when it was nothing of the sort.

So sorry.x

I didn’t say OP’s brother had these problems - but beyond OP saying he has hypos she hasn’t elaborated on how his condition affects him. My problem with you was that in response to the perfectly reasonable point I was making about the condition affecting different people in different ways, you leapt to the conclusion that my brothers’ limb loss was down to mismanagement of his condition. Which it most definitely was not. I’m not engaging with any of this any further because your other points are irrelevant to that.

I put it badly. I apologise.

My diabetes is really well controlled and i manage it really well myself. The poster's mum saying that her son doesnt have a job down to it is ridiculous and yes insulting to diabetics like me.

Ok. I apologise again. We shouldn't be arguing over this. You love your brother like I love my son and I agree that it's always a worry.

Agree with you.

I think he must have some extra needs or, as a grown man, he would not be dependent on his mother nor would the OP be concerned about him and what might be expected of her.
This is not a normal man.

Apology accepted. I apologise too - we’ve had this so much since the amputations, people just assuming he wasn’t looking after himself, that I suppose I’m just a bit sensitive.

I agree with you that many people lead normal lives with this condition and don’t consider themselves disabled. My only point was that diabetes is considered a disability under the Equality Act 2010 because there are people who are disabled by diabetes and associated conditions and who do need the accommodations the Act can provide. As with any condition, it doesn’t affect any two people in the same way. There are degrees.

Because she isnt abusive. Maby what i think is abusive is different to how others see it but shes definitely not abusive.

I would argue that effectively tying him to her by encouraging him not to work, not to claim any money he is entitled to and playing on his condition so that he doesnt leave IS abusive. Abuse doesnt just involve being hit. You dont mention your father so I suspect that she doesnt want to lose her companion.

I think that you dont see it as abusive because her behaviour is normal to you, but it isnt. No grown woman should be afraid of saying no to their mother, no grown woman should be afraid of telling her something purely because she wont like it. But you are. Why do you think that is?

And if you read a previous post that I wrote I AM NOT AFFRAID OF MY MUM, my mum knows where she stands with me and im more than capable of standing up for myself, like I said in a previous post I have always felt guilty no matter who it is I have a disagreement with. My mum has a partner so shes not losing a companion. I have never once said my mum encourages him Not to work in any of my messages I have said she babys him because he has diabetes, she has often told him he needs a job but just doesn't keep going on at it about it for some reason or another.

so why are yiou so anxious?