Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

I honestly dont need the money or anything and it would make me feel better knowing that I possibly won't have to house him.

You are not responsible for your brother’s lifestyle choices.
Being diabetic does not stop you from getting a job.

OP, you need to tell your mum now that you will not be looking after your brother. Do it before she looks at a house on your street.

Sorry OP but this is such a bizarre family dynamic.

It reads as if you are talking about someone with significant additional needs who does not have the capacity to live independently, not someone who has just never bothered to get a job.

You should be fuming that your DM is wasting all her time and money on a fully capable grown man who is not willing to help himself… not trying to give your future inheritance to him as well!

I’m really not sure what being diabetic has to do with it.. it can be managed very effectively. He’s choosing not to presumably.

OP, your DM may have responsibility for her DS, your brother, but you don’t - your responsibility is to your DC. Your DH has said brother won’t be living with you - end of story. If your DM says anything about it, tell her it’s not happening and that you are not willing to risk your happiness and home life for the sake of your brother. If something happens to your DM, then DB takes his third of the inheritance and rents somewhere. Just because he’s diabetic doesn’t mean he’s utterly incapable. If your DM has allowed him to get away with lounging around the house (I expect she likes the company) then that’s up to her: you absolutely do not have to take in your brother in later. Why would you want a drone who does nothing for himself and annoys the DC? Your husband is quite right to forbid it, and your DM’s “expectation” that you would take in your brother is utterly unreasonable.
As for DM moving two houses away - I feel your pain. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it, other than make plans to move yourself. That’s a tricky one, and with nosey Parker DB who has nothing better to do than involve himself in other people’s business, it sounds like a nightmare scenario. I’m crossing my fingers for you, OP, that a buyer comes along before your DM is able to sell her house.

You won’t have to house him! A man that’s never worked a day in his life, why shouldn’t things get harder for him later on? I’m much harsher than you, I’m all for supporting people that need it, not just lazy fuckers.

But you don’t have to house him, however your mum leaves her house and money.

You just say no. Start saying it every time your mum says ‘he can live with you’. ‘No, he can’t’. ‘No, that won’t be happening’. ‘Not a chance in hell’.

Also, you really need to examine why your mother is such a source of stress. You say she’ll be funny with you if you tell her you don’t want her living so close, and you’ll be stressed as a result. But again, your reaction is your choice. She may be offended, she may try to bully or guilt trip you, but you don’t have to let her succeed.

I completely get this OP. Same situation here except mum is 80 and brother 58. I am 11 years younger. Parent rents and the worry this causes me makes me ill. I wouldn’t take on my brother but at the same time the thought of him homeless makes me feel so devastated. Again diabetic, and does not claim any benefits as he thinks he will be a millionaire one day! No one will help unless he hurts someone or tries to commit suicide. Please reach out to me if you want to talk as it is so lonely and stressful. My mum has no savings so he will be homeless at some point.

You are painting yourself as helpless but you are not.

you are not a child and if your mum is upset by your conversation you can cope

you need to be clear that you will not be housing your brother.

you also need to be clear that if she moves then your house will be going on the market asap.

you do not need to be afraid of your mother and what she thinks, you also need to tell your brother to leave your kids the fuck alone or he won’t be seeing them again (and mean it! )

I can't understand why you can't just say no. It's not unreasonable to not want to look after him.

You don't have to house your brother. Even if your mum leaves him nothing you wouldn't have to house him. He is not your responsibility. Your dh isn't stressed about it because there is no difficult decision to make - he doesn't want your brother living in his house, and as (I assume) joint owner he gets a veto in that regard.

The kindest thing would be to bluntly tell your mum that. She is failing him as a parent by giving him money rather than giving him skills to get his own money, whether by earnings or benefits if necessary.

You need to tell your mum you don’t want to live near your brother. That you won’t be taking care of him. If she wants to move near you, that’s fine, and as your brother is part of the package, you’ll move house. And make her understand you mean it. If she kicks off and it lasts ages, that will be easier to deal with than her moving her brother practically next door.

And as you have enough money, use it for some therapy. And learn that you should take your inheritance. It’s yours, however much that is to keep.

Tell him and your mum to fuck off op. He's your brother not your son.

You absolutely will not have to house him. Your DH has also said no way is it ever happening, so that's that.

There really is nothing to worry about at all.

Which bit of you do not have to house him that people keep pointing out to you are you having problems with, OP?

Is it that you think there might be a legal obligation? Or that somehow you can be forced by one or both of your brothers? Or is this something where you have been brought up to service everyone else and you just don't know how to say no when he asks? Or something else?

Why is it you think you will have to? And if your DH is saying he won't have him in the house, how are you even thinking you'd do it? Are you planning on leaving DH to look after your brother once your mum passes?

How would it feel to just tell your DH - "You know, DH, I'm not going to help out DB when mum dies. He's going to have to work it out himself or ask DB2. And I don't want to take the DC round there when he's there anymore. He's mean to them and it's not fair on them. DM can come visit here if she wants to see them."?

Would your DH support you if you said something like that? Would it help you feel better about the situation? Stop you worrying? Let you think about a future where your concerns are about your DC, not a DB who doesn't reciprocate your concern?

FOG.
Fear obligation and guilt. These are the dynamics of toxic relationships.

Your family members don't understand polite. They don't want to hear it. You have to be blunt and unwavering.

You need to get some boundaries. And deploy the husband if need be to tell them to fuck off in no uncertain terms.

Okay I’m going to be harsh- who do you love more, your husband or your brother? Your kids or your brother? Obviously it’s your husband and kids. Your husband isn’t going to want to live with an immature manchild and your kids don’t like him. You don’t want to loose your husband and kids because of a brother that is entirely responsible for his own life.

Just learn to say no. Or speak to your husband and get him to say no for you, but back him 100% and be clear to your family you are behind him.

Maybe he needs to be encouraged to get a job, plenty of people with diabetes have jobs and cope well, your mother is doing him no favours by babying him.

Your mother has completely enabled this

Under no circumstances allow him to stay with you. Not even for one night. Sounds like you'd never get rid of him.

Teach your kids how to firmly tell him to get lost/ignore him.

My DHs brother is the same as your DB. DHs Brother is 45, DH mum is 69. DH has said to his mum that he will NOT be responsible for his brother when she dies. Ultimately his mum has failed his brother but enabling his lifestyle. This is not DHs problem, nor is it yours in your situation.

please be strong with this.

Can adult social services help?

SO?! She clearly doesnt care much about you and your family given that she expects you all to put your lives second to Golden Boy.

Have the big row now, get it out of the way. It will happen eventually.

What is your other brothers view, because I notice he isnt being expected to step up.
ETA I am not diabetic but have had hypos for other reasons that have landed me in hospital, but I still managed to buy, and pay off, my home by working. So his T1 is no excuse at all. He cant be bothered and she likes having him around. I am guessing he isnt getting any benefits because there is nothing stopping him working and he doesnt qualify for PIP.

Definitely don't give away your inheritance. If you feel obliged to help then when the time comes. Just help him get settled in a flat either rented or, if enough inheritance purchased. You could always suggest to your other brother that you top his share up a little if needed to buy a flat. Definitely don't entertain the idea of the lazy sod moving in with your family. I wouldn't like them moving so close either but not sure what you can do about that. Also your mum is only 63 so this issue could be twenty years away.

Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you

No mum, he won't be living with me, nor will I do caring duties. He needs to be self sufficient. So what are you going to do to make sure he can survive once you are no longer able to spoil him?

Be firm, be consistent, keep saying no. Look up FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) as well.

You need to say to your mum that you don’t want her that close. The row will need to happen at some point so get it out of the way.

Separately, why tf are you allowing your brother to bully your daughter? He shouldn’t be messing with her phone and you really should be sticking up for her. Refuse to visit your mums house if he continues.