Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Where you have all come to the conclusion that my mum actively encourages him NOT to work baffles me. As iv not said such thing in any of my messages.

Ok then why the worry that he will end up with you if you are capable of saying no and he is capable of working but wont?

Sounds like you are borrowing trouble. Keep saying no, end of problem. Except you wont say no to her moving two doors away because you are scared of her "getting funny" with you.

I have suffered with anxiety for as long as I can remember. It is most certainly not down to my mum at all. If anything I blame that on my dad.

She might not encourage him not to work but she doesn't seem to encourage him to work either.

Has he really never had a job since leaving education?

And she has always just kept him?

It's certainly an unusual dynamic.

As i keep stating in previous messages im like that with everyone I have a disagreement with i can't be arsed with the drama and im just a very guilty feeling person. Dosnt make me scared.

In that case, as I have already suggested, do you think getting help with your anxiety would help, if its not caused by your mother and your brother?

But you are incredibly anxious and a worrier..usually these things start in childhood and are surrounding the relationships with your primary caregiver which sounds like it was your mum. What was your early childhood like to compel you to be so worried about minor disagreements with anyone

Again nothing to do with my mum. God knows how many times iv said it now I blame my anxiety on my dad.

Then perhaps therapy to help manage the anxiety

I don’t think your mum has enabled your brother to be a grown adult, as you said she babies him and instead enables him to not work or look after himself, and she wants you to look after him when she can’t, So she is actively encouraging / enabling / normalising this scenario even if she’s not in his ear telling him not to work. That is pretty poor parenting.
you mention your dad and it’s worth noting that any anxiety and issues does not have to come from only one source and being better than the worst parent doesn’t make you a good parent.

you say you’re not scared of your mum, but you are scared of the guilt. You should look into that, why are you guilty. Eg Are you worried other people will think you’re horrible? or something else? What specifically are you guilty about?
Pp are guessing you’re scared of your mum because the obvious answer is that you feel guilty because she’s taught you things are your responsibility that aren’t, and now you half believe it too, and you’re scared about her withdrawing love and you needing to work to get it back, which is very destabilising. If it’s not that, you should have a think about what it is because identifying that will help you.

From your updated posts It sounds like the guilt is your only problem then, your mum will want to move 2 doors down and you can say no. Your mum and brother will want him to move in with you and you can say no. So figure out the root of the guilt and you’ll be able to sort it.

Just tell your mum and others you are not being forced into an abusive relationship in you home with your familY

financially it would be abusive without his actions towards your children

Or did your mum blame it on your dad?

She may have occasionally used the words get a job to him. However, it sounds as if her actions and behaviour are telling him he doesn’t need to. If she babies him, that doesn’t put the expectations on him that he should be a fully autonomous adult. And as she pays for him, she is telling him it’s ok that he isn’t.

Thank you 😊

Wow.

OP, gently, your mum may not be vocally encouraging him not to work, but her actions are doing just that. She’s putting a roof over his head, clothes on his back and food in his stomach, so he has no need to work. It’s an enabling situation and your mum is the enabler. If his diabetes is generally under control and hasn’t caused any associated conditions, then as previous posters have said, there’s no reason he shouldn’t be working.

The pressing issue here is his future income and stability, and it’s understandable that the current situation has you worried. You need to impress on your mum that your brother needs to register for Universal Credit ASAP so that he starts to accrue NI contributions and gets some help to look for work - if he needs accommodations for his diabetes in a work situation, the Jobcentre can advise on this. They will provide a work coach who can help with job search, prep for interview and any related issues to his long term unemployment .

At some point you’re going to have to have a conversation with both of them as to what happens when your mum is no longer here - making it clear that you have no intention of allowing your brother to become your responsibility.

I didn't say he was. I said my son was. Thanks to all who can't read and got super judgemental and huffy.

Point being, it's abusive to keep someone financially dependent on you and structure their lives in such a way as you have total control over them. It's illegal ...

I've seen many threads on MN where women are subjected to financial abuse from their partners and coercive and controlling behaviours. We wouldn't condone that. It really doesn't matter whether it's your partner, a family member or just a person you know. The law still applies. I think it can carry up to a 5 year sentence.

Please stop diverting the thread to your own indignations powered by ignorance.

Three words I posted. I won't post again since it's caused you so much anger.

The reason why your brother has never done anything with his life is because your mother has enabled it.

You cannot take your brother in. You’re going to have to tell your mother you don’t want her moving in near you. Then let her be as funny as she wants.

Get your boundaries clear in your own mind and then stick to them. You haven’t really said what’s wrong with him other than having diabetes and being a bit of a freeloader, although I suppose there might be mental health issues there. Either way, you’ve no obligation to him at all. If you haven’t already, set your mum straight (and him, if he also assumes) that under no circumstances will he ever be living with you. Hopefully your mum has a good many years left, but it would do them good to have a contingency plan, like getting him on the housing list.
I sympathise as my brother in law is like this. He does live alone, but can barely look after himself. He genuinely does have mental health issues though but some of it’s self inflicted from years of recreational drug use. We do a lot for him, but I genuinely worry what I’ll be left with if the worst happens to my OH.

Tell your mum that she is being unfair expecting you to have your brother move in. Let her leave the house to him and set him up for benefits etc. If she persists tell her that your husband is totally against this and if you push it you risk the breakdown of your marriage. That should get her thinking about alternatives.

I'd be having a proper sit down conversation with your mum and brother, ask them how he thinks he's going to survive after your mum passes, because he WILL NOT be living with you, he will have no pensions, no income, as an adult he needs to start planning for his future and pronto.

Your mum is enabling him by not insisting he gets a job to contribute. Is he’s never worked or claimed benifits he will have no pension at all. I wouldn’t put up with that and I would be asking him to move out. You need to say to your mum you would rather her not move to your street, most people would ask if that was ok first too. The fact she has no sense of how you would feel about her moving there with your brother shows you either have not made your feelings known or she doesn’t care. Why is she ignoraing you saying you don’t want to have him in your house if anything happens to her? My mum would ask once and if I expressed no she would respect that. She seems to care more about your brothers issues than yours and so so you from the fact you want to give him your share if inheritance, no wonder he doesn’t help himself when he has woman bailing him out

You clearly ARE afraid of upsetting your Mum though.

And if your Dad abused you emotionally, verbally - did your Mum just sit by and let that happen? If so, she's part of the problem, she's really not done her job well raising and protecting you, or your brother.

YOu might not be afraid of saying no to your Mother but she isn't actually listening, she's still trampling over your boundaries, and you won't dare do anything other than say no, to make it clear for fear of upsetting her.

If everything was fine and you didn't need any help, all relationships healthy, boundaries respected - you would never have started this thread.