Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

I totally get this as I have a very similar situation. It's so very stressful.

My younger DB 53 has undiagnosed autism & learning issues. He's not keen on work and mostly on benefits and very negative with no good word to say about anyone or anything. It's draining. Since my DM passed away last year it has come to light she has funded him more than me and DF realised. DB also lived at home until he was in his 30s and then he got a housing association house. I'm always worried about him losing it. My DF89 is routinely asked for money and I hate him having the stress of this.

It's so easy to say that your DB is not your responsibility, but it is so hard not to feel it. My DM asked me as she was dying to look after DB so I feel the responsibility.

I think you have to make it clear to your DM that all she is doing is enabling his dependency and one day when she is no longer able to look after him what will happen to him? Is she ok with him going into a homeless hostel or similar? You will not be able to support him as you have your own family and what if something happened to you or your DH to change your circumstances? Perhaps you need to look into it and show her the facts. He will not have enough money to buy a property with his inheritance and he will have to go into sheltered housing or share accommodation. She needs to understand the reality of what his future could look like without her around.

Do not forgo your inheritance, how do you know you won't need it in the future?

If your DB can work, he needs to get out and do so, he can start with some voluntary work to gain some experience initially before paid work. Work is not just about being paid. It is about your well-being mentally and feeling that you are contributing to society.

If your mum doesn't listen I think you just have to keep going over it over and over again until she takes it in. Perhaps your other DB can talk to her with you?

Hopefully she won't be able to buy the house two doors down....

Feel free to DM me if you would like to because I totally understand the stress of this

The only thing to do now is be blunt.

” Mum, I’ve told you that we are definitely not having him. He’s going to have problems being independent and we will not be the answer. You are failing him if you don’t help him to be independent now. You need to teach him, and let him stand on his own two feet, bit by bit. If you don’t, then you are the one being unfair to him. You have to be a bit cruel now, to be kind to him in the future. We will definitely not be having him.”

Then it’s her choice.

You can do that as a deed of variation when your mum dies

There’s a very true saying dont rescue to the point where you have to be rescued
Think about it. You cave in and take in your brother. Forget his childish nasty ways, how will he contribute to your household costs.
Then we have your husband and children.
To be brutal your putting this useless article before your family.

I reckon c) is more likely: mum gets infirm and needs care, brother can't or won't do it properly and OP is expected to be carer for the pair of them (particularly hard to avoid if they're practically next door). She's not wrong to think about how to deal with the whole mess now.

oh if you think she will be funny over this.better to get it over with now! OP if you had a really good friend with this situation, what would you say to them? Surely you wouldn't say "oh don't wind your mum up, yes you will have to take your useless brother on" You can't stop her buying a house wherever she wants, but of course you have that same right and she can't expect you not to move if you want to and THAT might be worth pointing out to her. Honestly this situation won't get better unless you plant your flag.

He’s diabetic. That’s a disability.

Another aspect of this is that if DB has never worked and doesn’t claim benefits, he won’t have any national insurance contributions. Which will affect his entitlement to state pension and bar him from claiming certain non means tested, contribution based benefits. I think the starting point here is to get a claim for UC going and possibly apply for PIP if the diabetes is severe enough for him to qualify.

There's disabled and there's disabled. If he has an assessment for disability benefits and doesn't get deemed in need of benefits then there's a problem here - not least because he's not going to get his NI payments for his pension. You should focus on this. It is massively important for his future that he has his NI contributions covered - this is through employment, through job seeking or through disability benefits - this should be non negotiable otherwise it leaves him extremely vulnerable in the future and it leaves you more at risk of financial abuse. Your Mum should be directing him to one of these routes. Failure to do so is abuse of her son or him abusing her - it is not caring for him - and it puts you at risk in the process.

This.

You have siblings - what do they think of your mother’s behaviour and your brother living at home?.

You are under no obligation to prop up your brother further when your mother dies. By then your brother could well be in his 50s and still a failure to launch.

Do not let your fear obligation and guilt feelings ( three buttons that she installed into you) turn you into a mug by carrying on enabling your failure to launch brother. That will not end well as I can myself attest. Let her strop and go silent on you; those are manipulative tactics in any event so should be ignored. If she has firm for doing such anyway then I would further lower all levels of contact because she is not emotionally safe enough to be around.

Your husband is right. Never have your brother live with you because that will only be to your own family’s detriment and could also end up in divorce.

ops mother and brother have a codependent and therefore unhealthy relationship.

I agree but It is not ops responsibility to get such claims going; it’s down to him. What does her brother do all day?.

Why would it have to be you? Why wouldn't your other brother have him? If he can say no to it then so can you. No one can make you have him. If you have him and he has no income you'd have to also pay for everything for him. Don't do it OP, this is not your responsibility.

speak to bro alone and ask him what he wants from life. ie not just to be mums carer surely. that care home fees in future may mean hes no money. that she cannot hold him back from going to college or getting a job. that he deserves to have a life like other diabetics do. workplace friends. that colleges and workplaces will have had training to deal with medical emergencies. thousands of diabetics work. it’s normal. that he needs to claim benefits or get a job/college in order to have a pension in later life. that you wont be his carer as you have kids and hes an intelligent guy who just needs to carve out a life. that he can do this. what could you see yourself doing bro?

then go back to mum together and tell her he wants a life with friends and money of his own. how can we (ie her) support him to do this so he can get a pension in later life and a chance to meet a nice partner etc.

then you can tell her to move near public transport for him and that you wont be his carer as you have kids of your own so she needs to encourage him to get out and about working/college whatever. it could initially be voluntary work in oxfam or something. they are experienced with disabilities and itll teach him the till or practical skills (ironing) and get him a reference for a job.

i’d tell her his life is relevant to the house move so perhaps that needs sorted once his future is sorted and stay put just now plus we may move again once the kids are bigger, mum, so that house in my street may end up not near me at all!

Disability benefits like PIP don’t attract automatic NI contributions. He needs to claim UC in the first instance and then PIP - with the proviso that a PIP claim for diabetes is very difficult if it’s well controlled by meds and hasn’t caused any associated conditions.

OP, you need to be blunt to the point of rudeness, because sometimes that's all people understand.
You say you won't care for your brother in future. And that your husband agrees with you.
You say she isn't helping him to be independent. She is enabling him.
She is actually preventing him from having a good life.
She badly let him down because she's allowed this to carry on.
If she doesn't like it, then she will have to deal with that.
I know it's difficult, but she should not be left in any doubt about your responsibility to him.

Well exactly...

Either way the point remains. He isn't being prepared for this future.

Precisely. I taught alongside two insulin dependent diabetics. One was my husband.

Being diabetic does not stop you from working.

No one can make you take your brother in and it wouldn't work well if your husband isn't on board and he winds up the kids.
What you can maybe do is. help him find a flat near you with his share of the inheritance and help him sort out benefits.
I wouldn't get yourself taken off the will. It's better if you are in control of that third of the money. If necessary and if you can't to you can choose to use some of it to help your brother find a place to buy/rent 💐

Good morning, the response has been overwhelming I never expected so many and never realized how others are in a similar situation as me. I feel now is the right time for me to reply as I can't reply to all of you and feel I need my say now. Also thank you to all the kind and informative comments.

To put things straight my mum is not a horrible woman she would do anything to help anyone and im glad I have taken that trait from her too. She can however be, I want to say be controlling but can't really use that word id say more like to guilt trip. I am in no way "scared" of my mum or repercussions from her I am a adult and no how to hold my own with her. There has been incidences in the past when I was 20 and brought my own home where she would guilt trip me into things and I learnt to hold my own against anything she had to say. She knows full well she can't control me and is weary of things she does say to me now as iv gotten older. I have my husband to thank for that for essentialy learning me to fire back when needed to. The way my first post comes across is as if my mums death is here, I no way think that and are so grateful that I still have my mum healthy as I know many people can't say they still have theirs and she really is there if I ever was to need her. My issue is mainly because of my brother he is perfectly able to get a job yes he has diabetes but so does alot of people and still work, I dont think im in the wrong to worry about the future no one no what's around the corner, I have always been a worrier and that possibly stems from my childhood. Growing up my dad never had a job and I feel was emotionally abusive towards me and I feel all my anxiety comes from having to deal with him not my mum. That's another story for a different day. He left when I was 15 my brother was 10 so I can't really blame him on my brother growing up not seeing my dad work. I feel hes just lazy my main issue really if I deep it is I dont want my mum to live 2 doors down from me, if it was just my mum I genuinely wouldn't be bothered but because my brother comes with her that is what is making me anxious, angry, hes very sly and is really like a child in a man's body he has no additional needs as some have suggested I just dont no why he is the way he is. I certainly dont let him bully my children as if anything happens while im there he gets told and if anything happens when im not there and my children ring me I will be straight on the phone to him giving him a bollocking and telling him to grow up. Yes my mum does baby him and shes openly admitted its because he has diabetes and she feels like she need to protect him more and iv explained to her hes a fully grown adult and its embarrassing but it goes over the top of her head. As for if anything we're to happen I have told her he will not be coming to stay with me but she just laughs it of but I honestly do keep reiterating it to her when I need to her but I also do know she would expect it off me. My other brother has good work ethic like myself and has a very well paid job but will be moving to London in the near future and being the only female out the 3 of us i do feel like I have a responsibility (old fashioned I no). I really hate the thought of having my brother be 2 doors away from me and grassing on my children all the time, im a stress head as it is at feel he will tip me over the edge to where the relationship won't end well and obviously I dont want that. I no I worry to much and its not a given she will get the house, but I'm just thinking about my future.

Not if the mum is told in no uncertain terms that the OP will absolutely not be looking after him in future (as her mum currently assumes).

If she realises her son is going to be alone and unable to cope then she should be inclined to make changes and teach him how to live independently.

“I have told her he will not be coming to stay with me but she just laughs it of but I honestly do keep reiterating it to her when I need to her but I also do know she would expect it off me”

This is where you need to me firmer. “NO mum you are not listening to me. HE CANNOT COME TO LIVE WITH ME. I will not change my mind and nor will my husband.
You really need to take this on board and start helping brother to be able to look after himself when you’re not around because I cannot and will not help.”

Ask her why she doesn’t love your brother. She’ll be shocked and reply that she does. But tell her she can’t really love him else she wouldn’t be sabotaging his life chances like this.

I also wonder if your brother is manipulating her a bit and she’s struggling to free herself now after all these years. Perhaps she should move to a one bedroom house and tactfully turf him out?

The last update is revealing.

She enabled the father not to work. She isn't capable of having certain conversations with her husband/ son. They have treated her as a way to avoid responsibility and she let them.

She lack healthy boundaries and can't assert herself. She enables. She thinks that's all she is good for. She won't indulge difficult but necessary conversation because of how her own self worth is underpinned.

She's a doormat who likes being a doormat and has justified being a doormat in order to survive being a doormat. She doesn't know any better.

Your mother may be nice but she’s not above trying to get you to become your brothers future enabler when she does. That is not nice. Your brother too is likely the ways he is because he was raised by his abusive father and a mother who continue to enable him for her own reasons. And by the time he left at 15 the damage was well and truly done to you all as children.

Do not let any fear obligation and guilt on your part make you bend to her will. Let her strop and moan.