Worried my brother will become my responsibility if Mum cannot cope

[Shaunansco12]

I'm not sure if im in the right topic for this....
It's long and I think I just need to release some stress 😩.

My brother is 31yrs old still lives with my mum and has never had a job. My mum is 63 in good health but doesn't push him at all, hes diabetic and has been since he was 12 and my mum sort of babys him for it as hes has a few hypos that have sent him in hospital, my stresses have all come to a blow tonight even though its been playing on my mind for quiet some time. Im scared of anything happening to my mum and me having to put my brother up. Im a married 35yr old with 3 children with my own job and it scares the life out of me because obviously I can't see him out on the streets, hes never been interested in getting a job and I highly doubt anyone will take him on anywhere with no experience. Iv spoken to my mum about this so many time but she brushes it of and says he will just come and live with you. It's not that I dont love my brother but I dont no how I would cope with him, he winds my children up like mad and they dislike going to my mums knowing hes there. He acts like a child for example he kept taking my daughters phone of her hiding it and then getting my mum to ring it to see where it was, there's loads of things but to many to right down. What has made me like this tonight is my mum is wanting to move house and is actively looking and viewing houses, there is one going on my street that is 2 doors away from me within her budget and shes rang me tonight saying shes going to get a viewing on it, its not that I dont want to be living near my mum and it wouldn't bother me if she was on her own but shes not. My brother is such a grass and if anything happens hes straight up telling my mum about it, we live facing a field and im making up all sinarios in my head that I no would happen, like if my children are playing outside and they like to play fight my brother would be straight at that window telling my mum what's happening and she'd either go out or ring me. This sounds so pathetic I no. I just want to cry because I no she will try her hardest to get this house because its the exact layout of mine and she loves my house. Im just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen id have to have him. I dont no what I want out of this message just someone to listen and tell me im not wrong for feeling the way I do. And I no my mum would expect it from me should anything happen.

Look, when your mum dies, you are not going to be compelled to assist your brother.
Just say no to him, if he starts asking you if he can move in with you.

Out of interest, what does your husband think about this?

All you can do is what is within your power you can tell her how you feel about her living nearby but ultimately it's up to her and you can still place boundaries even if she moves close.

you don't have to look after your brother, your children and yourself are the priority. Job centre will chase him up about jobs or he will get signed off. He wouldn't be left homeless, there will be emergency housing though he won't have a say in where etc. That is his problem.

I'm just so scared for the future and honestly constantly on my mind that should anything happen I'd have to have him

No, you wouldn't.

You don’t have to take him.

no-one can make you.

i don’t know what you can do about your mum moving though. Do you think she’s likely to go through with it?

It will be his problem to sort out, not yours.
Is he getting UC/PIP?
What does he live on?

'No mum, that won't be happening. It's best you help him become a capable, independent adult now'.

Does your mum own her house?
If she does, surely you and your brother will be named on her will.

I think OP’s issue is less of her mum dies, and more while her mum is alive. She’s clearly angling to move herself and the brother closer, so OP can give more support.

No he gets no benefits, my mum pays for everything for him.

My husband thinks the same as me but hes more brutal and has said there's no way he will be, he doesn't stress about it like I do though.

My relatives are leaving the vast majority of their estate to the son who has additional needs. It won’t do him any good- he won’t be able to afford to keep the house, and will be ineligible for benefits. He’ll just have to live off it until the money runs out, then apply for benefits.

I think I would risk the family fall out before she buys that house. I can understand the privacy concerns too. Op you are not being unreasonable at all

Yes she owns her own home and her will is set so it is split between the 3 of us I have another brother. I have begged her to take my name of it and leave it all to my brothers so at least he has somewhere or money from the sale of her house should anything happen then it goes to him.

Tell dm you already have 3 dc and no space for another one. If she said he's x age remind are he needs to be treated like one then.

This is a problem for your mum and brother, not your problem at all. You definitely don’t have to put him up, it’s his problem to solve. You need to be firm from now that this will not be happening. And if anything happens with the kids and he goes telling tales to your mum, tell your mum to stay out of it and you don’t want to hear it.

Why are you being such a push over? He hasn’t worked and you think he should get all your mums money? You’re being ridiculous.

I have said to my husband that in a polite way I might say something like thats a bit to close for me but I no she won't like that comment and she will probably be funny with me and when shes funny it last for ages and just makes me more stressed.

OMG don't do that.
I'd be tempted to say very little to her about your brother.
She won't know what happens after she's actually dead, so there is no need to discuss it.

I also don't think you need to worry too much about her buying the house near yours. It takes ages to sell a house.
She'd have to sell hers and have an offer on the new one accepted, and there might be (probably will be) a chain.

If you like the area so much, mother, you can buy my house and we'll move away ...

I'd keep quiet if I were you.
No use causing hassle for no reason.

I think you need to say to your mum that there is absolutely no way your brother will be coming to live with you and that she is not doing him any favours by making him so dependent.

You don't actually mention if he's got actual disabilities. So I'm assuming he doesn't.
Something happens to your mum, say she dies. He'll have his cut of the inheritance. Spend it on rent and then sign up to the dole, they'll make him get a job. And he'll be fine. Or what will probably happen. You an your brother won't force the sale. So he'll stay in the house collecting the tiny amount of dole he'd get, avoiding work. And he'll still be fine.

It's probably be the best thing for him. Your mum, though with the best intentions, is just holding him down. He needs booting out the nest if he's going to fly.

I have a useless brother. I got embroiled in trying to help him a few years back when he was living with my gran and stealing from her and I felt a responsibility to get him out of her house. I did it, but it was stressful and had a negative impact on my life and relationship, and I made a conscious decision after that not to be involved in his problems, which are many. I see him a couple of times a year now.

I felt at the time I should help him because my mum is dead, and she of course would have wanted to help him. But I came to the realisation that I am not his mother, and trying to act like I am didn't do either of us any good.

You think your mum should stop babying him and force some independence on him. You are right. If you take him in when she dies, you'll be committing the same error she did, and you know it's the wrong thing to do. So you just don't do it.

It's hard. You'll feel guilty and I expect he'll try to play on that. But you do not have to do it, so you just don't. You don't need to worry about it any more, once you realise that. Yes, his life will be harder when your mum dies. He's been looked after by someone else for the whole of it. But that is not your fault or your problem. Of course, you'll still feel upset about it, he's your brother, but he is not your problem to fix.

Does he have any SEN?

If not, can you broach the subject with him, tell him he won’t be able to move in with you should something happen?

This is actually quite common. Many people (usually men) get left behind. They don’t work, spend all night gaming, and then gradually sink into depression. They feel intense shame at their life, and so push everyone away. They don’t claim benefits, don’t pay into a pension, and don’t have any savings. The parents fund/enable their life, then get old, have a stroke/develop dementia etc, and have to go into a nursing home. The house has to be sold to pay for their care, and the son suddenly finds himself homeless at 55. His safe, comfy life in a suburban house is gone, and he ends up in emergency accommodation in some awful part of town. I have seen it.