Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

You sound insufferable. You jumped on him as soon as he got home then started banging on about what you might inherit in future, possibly years down the line and how there is no room , you're insensitive and I can see why he lost his rag
Did u even give him 5 mins before you jumped on him about where all his mum stuff is going to go
Big deal , he could have gone to bed woken up in the morning and dealt with it then. But instead you chose to jump on him as soon as you got home when he was still raw going through her things . When your parents pass away and you bring their things home, I hope he does the same thing to you . Then you will know how hurtful you are. There is no time line for grief, I'm sure your precious cupboard space could have coped for a couple of more days whilst he calms down

I’m sorry - have you read any of my posts? You're inferring a lot from very little information, no one else seems to have read it the same way as you or gotten as up in arms over it all as you? I never said this happened as soon as he got home. In fact, it happened several hours later when he went to get all the boxes out of his car and then proceeded to spread everything across the dining table while I was putting our children to bed. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve acknowledged that what I said wasn’t sympathetic or helpful - and I’ve spoken to and apologised to him for this. I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff and reacted really poorly in the moment, I have never denied that. And yeah, he could’ve gone to bed and left it all there for the morning - but then our kids (who wake up at 6am if not earlier) would definitely have been touching it all and potentially break it. Or is it then my responsibility to wake him up in time to save it all from our young children for whom being gentle means only dropping something instead of throwing it?

I understand the Aus process OP. I also went through your situation when MIL died. FIL sold up & pushed MIL's belongings on DH & SIL. There was a LOT DH tried to bring home & I didn't react well. I didn't want someone else's stuff filling my home. I felt I was almost being a bit erased - we'd just cleaned out for more space & a lot of my stuff was gone in favour of MIL's.

Thankfully SIL took boxes of crystal, glassware & display knick knacks after realising neither of us (her or me) wanted them. DH told me the other night she'd still have them, but she'd told me quietly she planned to store them for a bit then offload. No one has noticed.

Unfortunately DH still brought home a lot of stuff that we now store. It's still all waiting 'to be dealt with', 3 years on. It offers no use, doesn't get thought about, but he won't let it go if I mention it. I feel partially erased as some of my stuff had to go as we were running out of space, but MIL's is still here, along with his grandfather's boxes it stuff. Unopened.

It prompted me to have the discussion with DM that I want two or three items of family historical value, but nothing else. We can't absorb her household of memories. We have our own. She gets it.

You seem to have got the wrong end of the stick. Late MIL's stuff threatening to take over OP's share of the space in her own home is what is insufferable.

I would box it up, sell on eBay and treat family with the profit. You can’t keep everything for years, it becomes cluttered

That would drive me nuts. I was very ruthless when my parents died and I wasn’t going to start swapping out their nicer stemware for mine etc. I kept their 6 crystal port glasses and that was it.

Your husband needs to be sensible. He has to sort stuff at the other house and not bring it to your home to do so. If he’s being irrational, he’s not the right person for the job.

Yes, leave him to clean and find a home for it. You’re not his secretary, to be presented with a problem to solve, or to risk his displeasure. Obviously he is grieving, so kid gloves mainly needed, but it doesn’t excuse everything. You wouldn’t be leaving him to do it out of spite, but to allow him to see the problem for himself.

Box up and sell MILs stuff or ours? Frankly, I’m not prepared to do either at this point in time. While DH brought a lot of crystal and glassware home, he’s also told me that he’s finding it really hard to get rid of things. He only lost his mum 4 months ago, he still needs time. There are pieces that will definitely be put away (probably under the house, although I’m not happy about that) and at some point in the future I will revisit and hope he agrees to move it on. There are other items that I know were special (like the scotch decanter and matching glasses his parents received as a wedding gift and were brought out at every celebration), and these will be kept (maybe not on display but we’ll see). Most of it wouldn’t be worth anything anyway, it’s the sentiment behind it.

When I was little, there was a jug that came out at every family gathering. Years later I was visiting and asked where it was. They'd given it to Oxfam. I went and bought it back. Now I use it. It's one jug, mind you. Just the one.

I can be very sentimental myself but have started to become more ruthless over the years. I imagine I will have a hard time getting rid of some of my parents things but I also hope I remain practical enough to realise I can’t keep it all.

It doesn’t bother me to swap out some of our things for MILs if I’m not attached to them. She had a very nice set of scotch glasses (they were likely FILs as she wasn’t a scotch drinker), whereas ours were just a cheap set we bought years ago - and a couple had gotten broken along the way so it wasn’t even a complete set anymore. I’d much rather use MILs far nicer set and toss ours. We would never buy something like that ourselves and they’re truly lovely to look at.

As MIL’s Will left everything to her 4 children, they’ve decided that they need to clean out the house together. I don’t think it’s the most practical way to do it, but it’s not really my
business. I’m hopeful that once they get to less sentimental items, like general kitchenware and clothes and books, that DH will have an easier time letting go and won’t be trying to bring heaps home.

They are all grieving but you are right that it's none of your business how they clear the house

I think having the possessions of (no longer living) inlaws around is very much like having the inlaws themselves about.

How much does the presence of the ILs/their stuff interfere with everyday life? Is dealing with them a shared responsibility?

It's also really sad when stuff is shoved in unsuitable places rather than being used and enjoyed. I'd rather possessions were sold at auction/went to a charity shop rather than gathering dust in a loft/sealed away in some tomb of a storage unit.

My younger brother really wanted to keep loads of our mother's furniture. I feel rather upset that her dining table is dismantled and wedged against the wall in his overcrowded kitchen. (He's a hoarder so hasn't got rid of his existing table. Or possibly there's just no room anyway for my mother's larger table.)

I'd much rather my mother's table was being appreciated by someone, even if it didn't stay in the family

No I just meant box up the stuff you haven’t got room for then gradually sell as you won’t want to keep it all forever (unless you have storage)! I’ve still got some of my dads stuff I need to get rid of eventually but I think you have to know when it’s the rightt time

I have to say I agree. Putting things into storage does make me sad, because some of it is truly lovely and would make someone very happy - we just don’t have use for it. DH brought home 3 sets of scotch glasses (2 also had matching decanters). He and I both drink scotch but not many of our friends and family do - even if we had them all in one room, we’d still only need the one set for us all to have a drink together. And we already had 2 sets - 1 was a wedding gift that we use as our special occasion glasses, the other was a cheap set we bought and is not even complete anymore. We’ll replace the everyday set with MILs, which is a lot nicer (and a complete set), but what am I supposed to do with the other 2? They’re going to be packed away into boxes when I’m sure someone else would really enjoy them. It does feel a little like some things are being kept out of obligation rather than any real sentimentality.