Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

Am with you now! Am married to someone with hoarding tendencies so am always a bit on guard against anything which encourages more stuff. 😂

Why cant he put it in the cabinet for now?

You might find this article interesting OP.

I let my husband off talking to me like shit and shouting at me and putting me down - putting it all down to grief but frankly there is ZERO excuse for behaving like this toward your wife and mother of your children!!

no one will break into an empty house to steal glassware either it’s not worth anything nowadays! You see former expensive antique glassware in charity shops for 50p and at auctions unless it’s very special then they refuse to take it’

I think this too. He’s deep in grief, you just need to be enthusiastic.

Because it’s already FULL as op explained several times

OP, you were responding in a rational way to someone who's wracked with emotions. Those two emotional states cannot understand each other. You might have been totally right in everything you said, but your DH needed to hear how gorgeous the glassware was and how much you look forward to using it and how nice it is to have things of hers. It's NO use being all practical on a day like that. In fact, to someone who is yearning for their lost loved one, it can come across as cold and detached. I know you didn't mean it that way. When I read your convo, even before he flipped I thought "Uh-oh." You were being so practical and, although it's a lot of glassware, he'd have come round to the practical considerations later.

He shouldn't have said terrible things, though.

I’m shocked people are having a go at you. Honestly for some people on here it’s any opportunity. You’ve done nothing wrong.

having cleared out two deceased family members homes, it’s utterly brutal,and I suspect that’s the issue your husband is facing, he’s not behaving rationally, he’s clinging on to his mother and whay was hers, he’s not thinking where will I put this stuff, he’s thinking this was my mums so I need to keep it. He wil, come to his senses, but it will take a lot of time.

till then tread softly, the issue today was you reacted in a pragmatic way and he is not in that headspace, he was hearing you don’t want his mothers stuff. It’s likely why he also wants to buy the house, he isn’t ready to let go.

You're absolutely right. ^

I know from unfortunate experience that people behave weirdly irrationally when grieving. You're probably thinking OP, that 3 months later, he should be "getting over it", but that's just not how it works. Until you've experienced the death of a parent you were close with, it's impossible to understand. It's earth-shattering in the way that losing a grandparent or other elderly person just isn't.

I remember some really bizarre and crazy things my mum came out with, right up to a year after my dad's sudden death. I remember on the year anniversary her having a full blown temper tantrum over a photo print of her and her sisters not being EXACTLY right. It wasn't even a photo of dad, and was taken months after he'd died, but the anniversary stirred it all up again.

It's almost 9 years since my dad died, and now his older brother is in hospital, actively dying. We don't know the exact prognosis, but it looks like days rather than weeks.

It's stirred up a lot of feelings for me, and I'm quite sad. Started crying in the car on the way home from the garden centre this morning. I'm currently channeling feelings by keeping busy. Working in the garden and folding mounds of washing I've been putting off.

Give your DH some space and some sympathy OP. It'll pass.

@Vermin Has he grabbed all of the glassware/crystal, boxed it and brought it home?
If so, it should stay boxed for a while until both of you decide what to display and what to store.

You haven't done or said anything wrong. You are not cold-hearted 🙄 You're trying to be practical.
What else could you do with the stuff? Leave it all on a table for inquisitive little fingers? If any of it was damaged, presumably he'd lose his shit at the kids instead.

Just box it all up and tell him he needs to wait. If there's more, that needs to stay in the boxes. None of it needs to be unpacked and washed immediately.

I've had to clear the homes of my late Aunt and Uncle then my Parents.
The best advice I had (but too late) was to take a few things you really want, then get professionals to clear the house for you - everything from auction for valuables/antiques or charity collection for furniture.

I cleared everything within 2 weeks before the houses went on the market. The longer it takes the more he'll bring home...then you have to find a home for that one butt-ugly vase that your MIL loved and you've always hated.🤦🏻‍♀️

People who try to hold on to everything, or take years to go through stuff are saving up problems for later.

Neither of you are wrong, it’s tough going through people’s stuff but we have limited space. Thankfully we had a lot of time (very protracted probate due to complications) so it was a full year before we actually sorted mil’s - we had several siblings so we started with who actually needs or wants things (thankfully no arguments) then with the remainder we asked the grandchildren plus anyone else if it was of use, I brought various things home, useful stuff but much of the crystal was sold, the money used for a family meal. It’s lovely going to dh’s siblings houses and seeing their parents things actually being used, as opposed to gathering dust, though I do have a trifle dish!

I agree with this take - even if you didn’t mean to be hurtful, it did come across as you minimising his grief. The death of a parent is a lot more devastating that the loss of grandparents, but you don’t really understand that until you’ve experienced it yourself. My DH is lovely and caring, and was hugely supportive when my parents died, but did say a couple of things that really hurt me at the time.

Another thing to consider @Amariel13 is that losing both parents is really hard, especially when you have to clear out their home and decide what to do with all those precious things. When my dad died (quite suddenly), it was very sad and hard to deal with, but at least my mum was still alive, still in their home (our childhood home) with all their belongings around her, and we could focus on supporting her. When she died ten years later, the finality of clearing out the house to be sold was much more painful. My siblings and I would never be able to go home again. It was an extra level of grief. I suspect that’s why your husband seems to be clinging on to more ‘stuff’ than when his dad died.

I would also suggest a storage locker. I wanted to keep a lot of stuff after my father passed - a few years later I was ok getting rid of more of it. It also gives him the chance to pick the stuff that actually fits in your lives actively rather than just load a lot of stuff in to your home. Why not tell him to temporarily rent a storage locked whilst you guys do a cleanout at home to make room and move things over slowly.

Let him do what he wants and you can quietly chuck out bits and pieces or store in the attic. Or use it - some are bound to get broken. He won’t even notice over time.

From you post it is clear that your parents are alive, and long may it continue! So you simply don't understand what it is like and that is why you behaved the way you did. A normal response would have been 'what do you want to do with it? and let him do exactly that'. Even if he wanted to put all the glassware into bed with him tonight and sleep like that.

I think sometimes it takes time to be able to let things go. When my mom died I kept everything and I mean everything. Over time I’ve been able to let things go. DH was very understanding.

We've just gone throw the same issue in our family. I believe the stuff my DP came back with from his DM's wasn't anything he felt he needed/wanted/liked - it was just his DM's and he felt guilty about disposing of it. He didn't want it - but it was something his DM obviously liked/wanted. I think he felt guilty donating it to charity or selling it because it was precious to her. We had all sorts of stuff piled up in our house, but he has gradually removed it, I'd advise you don't comment - don't become the one he blames as 'never wanting it anyway'. As his grief eases he will feel less guilty about dealing with it.

Yes I took it exactly the same way and also mentioned it in my posts to you @Amariel13 - another example of you perhaps not realising how dismissively you’re coming across.

I am the custodian of a shit ton of Royal Doulton crinoline dolls, plus trays, plus Lladro stuff, plus Waterford glass. It was my parents horde and no one wanted to get rid of it. So I said I would "mind it" until their minds were made up about selling or whatever. That was in 2018. They are still here, and no one wants them sold, nor do they want them themselves either!

So I took out the Waterford wine, whisky and brandy glasses and use them myself. For the rest, I got a weatherproof garden storage box and packed the dolls etc. in there with tons of bubble wrap. That box is under a tree by the (massively choc a bloc) garage wall, in the back garden

No one knows or cares that they are there. So when I die they will be sent to the tip I reckon.

Would a storage box like that be of any use even short term?

When my remaining parent died ( I as an only child ) could have packed up their entire house and move it to mine , I obviously didn't .

But I still bought some stuff back to mine , including some bits that were my grandparents and were passed on to my parents when they died .

Now 13 years after my remaining parent died , where are those items ?

Up in the loft where they were put when I brought them home .

It can be really difficult getting rid of a loved ones belongings when you're still grieving.

When my granddad died I held onto all sorts of random things (including some glassware) because it reminded me of him and I didn't like the idea of it being thrown out, binned or not appreciated. After about a year when I'd processed things a bit more I acknowledged that it was impractical and I didn't have the space so I took most of it to the charity shop. But if someone had told me to do that while everything was still raw I would probably have reacted badly!

Does your husband have form for yelling at you, OP? I've lost my Mum and Dad and never, ever felt compelled even to raise my voice at a single human soul.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you saying you don’t wish to inherit all of his mother’s belongings. Why would you? They can be put into storage / in boxes in the loft etc if he really wants to keep them.

yes to a few bits to have around the house but no to the entire contents of her kitchen

and I say that as someone who has lost both her parents and knows exactly what your husband is going through

Give him a massive hug and some space and let him put it into your cabinet. Then approach this MUCH MUCH later

I think a few people have misunderstood my post and updates. I have never said that I don’t want any of my MIL’s belongings - I always expected that some of her possessions would end up ours, and in fact welcome this. She was very dear to me too, and having items that were hers around the house is comforting. What I didn’t expect is that DH would be boxing up a quarter of her possessions and bringing them home. MIL has a 5 bedroom plus study plus 3 living room house - she accumulated a lot of possessions over the years because she had the space to not get rid of anything. Meanwhile, we have a 4 bedroom no study 1 living room house - we simply do not have the same amount of space, particularly with 3 children whose possessions also need to go somewhere. I have seen the cupboards of glassware and know roundabouts which my MIL was attached to (she has shown me, as I’m sure she showed her daughters). So it surprised me when DH came home with a bunch of stuff that I didn’t recognise (as MIL never used them) and started proclaiming there was more to come. This is a man who has no issues purging our home of stuff and doesn’t really get attached to “things” - yes, I know grief makes us act differently, but he has never once been so insistent on keeping every little thing so it did surprise me, and I reacted poorly in the moment. As I have said a few times now, I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed in the moment at how many things DH was going to expect us to find a home for and at how many possessions a person seems to accumulate in their lifetime. I spoke aloud the thoughts in my head when I should have paused. I never told DH to get rid of these items, I asked that they simply be packed away for now so that nothing would get broken while I made space for them. Because yes, if our kids or one of his nieces or nephews broke something, I suspect DH would lose it. I have since apologised to DH for some of the comments I made last night and have explained it being overwhelm rather than me not wanting things, which he seems to have accepted. Now that I know he wants to keep a lot of his mum’s possessions, I don’t think the overwhelm will hit me quite so hard again and I will be able to respond more tactfully.