Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

He was very unreasonable. Fine being upset about it all but not fine yelling at you. I've been in that situation and my DH had no issues whatsoever telling me we couldn't keep my father's things. He chucks everything out because apparently having a tidy home is more important than the past. Looking forward to telling him how all the stuff doesn't matter when his parents die.

Take yourself for a walk and leave him to it. I would tell him your mum’s stuff is your business. If he leaves it on the table let him sort it. Grief isn't an excuse to be a twat.

We have apologised and come to an agreement that emotions were too high last night for us to ever have had a constructive conversation. He interpreted me asking if we could pack it all up for now as me rejecting it, and he said he felt really embarrassed later on when he realised I never actually said that at all and that he would’ve been really upset had something gotten broken. He also said he didn’t realise how hard it was going to be to get rid of her things, and I gathered there was a little bit of embarrassment at how much he’d brought home so he was already feeling defensive before he’d even walked through the door. I’ve reassured him that the items can stay, I just need some time to do some rearranging and purging of our stuff to make it all work. I didn’t touch on him wanting to bring more home, as I really don’t know where we’re going to put it all but figure that’s a problem for another day - there are no plans for DH and his sisters to go through more things until the end of May at the earliest anyway.

Do you live near one of those storage places - could rent a small room there (or a large one!) and move all the stuff there. He could then go through it when he's ready.

I’d be looking at paying for a secure storage unit while emotions are running high. Likely it will all feel a little easier in six months to a year. And it will also probably feel easier letting go of items from a storage unit than directly from his mum’s house.

Go easy on both of you - this is one of the hardest things you will have to endure as a couple. He’s lost his mum, you’ve lost a loved MIL and have a grieving husband and children. Try to make it a team effort.

You know it’s completely normal to receive stuff from loved ones, let it sit in your home for a while, and then part with it when ready. For some it’s a significant part of the grieving process.

Let him grief! I lost my mum when I was 24 due to cancer and I wanted to keep everything (obv not possible). It made me feel closer to her. It took a while but eventually I was ready to get rid of them and keep only some.

My mum used a whole room of her house when my gran died to store my gran’s things. Her stuff stayed there for 6 months until she was ready to go through it and part with it.

How nice to see that you've managed to talk about this, both apologized and listened to each other.
It's all too soon after the death and the best thing to do is to agree to box up stuff and store it safely (perhaps at a storage place) and go through it at a later date when the raw grief has begun to settle a bit. Then he's more likely to be able to decide what he really wants to keep - eg. 3 or 4 items of glassware which was particularly special to MIL - and the rest can be given away/sold.
As you say, it's not going to be practical to keep all of MIL's things so he will have to make difficult choices but right now is just too soon.
I found it very difficult because I live in a one-bed flat and I'm an only child so when my mother died I just kept a couple of things - her rings, a jumper and some paintings she did. Then when my Dad died I was faced with the same problem as he was also an only child and his mother an only child and so it turne out he had a whole pile of stuff from my great grandmother and my grandmother as well as all the stuff he had accumulated himself. Very hard to deal with and I cried over nearly everything but unfortunately the 95% of it had to go.

Firstly I think you need to peddle back a little to understand. He has lost his Mum fairly suddenly to a horrid disease pretty much everyone fears. There will be things he never got round to saying, guilt over not doing certain things, and the added emotional turmoil of now going through all her possessions. Grief is a awful yet funny thing, it scan strip you of everything, he is now left with no parent and even as an adult to be an orphan is something awful too, you Eve start to look at your own mortality.
So coming home from a day full of a bag full of emotions and some things he may have little sparks of memories he carefully packed away to keep, you have (unwittingly) poured scorn over with mere issues about space and planning a family meal. Yes he lost it as youre not helping or listening.

Better to say they look beautiful, you will help him display what he would like and buts that don’t fit but he wants you will help him display in the near future. Try to help not hinder in grief, there are words to use kindly.

Good that you have discussed it but would have been nice if you recognised that your response was very unsympathetic and uncaring when he is struggling at a time of his life, which he has no reference to work from. Until you are in that situation you can not understand how much it screws with your head and your thoughts are not rational for the best part of the year.

?? I apologised to him for what was said, and I have said numerous times throughout this thread that I myself became overwhelmed at the situation so said whatever thoughts were in my head (we’re going to inherit things from a lot of people, what on earth do we do with it all) which was thoughtless at the time. I have been as sympathetic and caring as I can to DH and his needs since MIL was diagnosed. She is also someone whom I care deeply about and who I considered a mother figure (having a difficult relationship with my own biological mother); I am also grieving. It’s not the same because she wasn’t my mother but I feel to discount my own grief is a real disservice to the amazing woman my MIL was, who treated me as one of her daughters for 19 years. I became overwhelmed at the sheer number of possessions that a person accumulates in their life (not specifically MIL, just any person) and that when they’re gone, their whole life is summed up by those possessions. I’m not really sure what else you wanted me to do. As an aside, despite acknowledging that he overreacted, DH has not apologised for the nasty things he said about my family last night. I’m not going to hold it against him because (I hope) he didn’t really mean them.