Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

And the odds of something getting broken with 7 young children about?

Also, his sisters had seen the items - everyone had chosen what they wanted

I think he acted terribly. But I know from experience that dearth causes horrendous arguments.

I also think he wanted a fight. He wasn’t listening to you. He was the one that escalated the conflict. He was the one storming around the house. You should cancel tomorrow’s dinner.

There is a series called The Madison on Paramount Plus where the sister’s have a fight that gets physical. It reminded me of the fight with my own sister - after which we avoided each other for months. It was the first time where I’ve seen a show that accurately showed people’s behaviour after a death.

My only suggestion is that you get clear plastic tubs and pack away any glassware you won’t need (put it in the shed or attic). When your daughters get their own homes they can have them. In the meantime you won’t have to look at them.

I think it’s understandable why you got your response wrong @Amariel13 particularly if the urge to keep everything is out of character for your H - but it’s important you acknowledge that you didn’t get it right to DH as you have acknowledged it here.

The loss of a grandparent is in no way comparable to losing a parent. The best way I can describe losing a parent suddenly is like being knocked over by a massive wave in the sea and you feel like you’re tumbling through it, unsure of which way is up. That was my experience anyway and I can understand why, in those circumstances, your DH was upset by how you handled this.

I obviously can’t speak for the OP, but I gathered it was because it wasn’t smart to have lots of glassware out with a bunch of children running around, some of them still toddlers.

He will though. He will want to get rid of stuff in a bit. Just right now he wants to cling. It passes.

I think this is the conflation of a few things.

My SIL was furious with her dad some years ago when he said he wanted to help her move flats. She said he didn’t need to, the removals people would pack and drop off boxes, then as it was just her she’d taken two days off to unbox and deal with the empty boxes. He insisted, she caved and so she spent a few days packing up her stuff. FIL carried the boxes down to his massive car and did two trips to the new place, lugging them into the new apartment. Then he proceeded to empty each and every box onto each and every flat surface, piling up empty boxes and wrapping paper in a corner. SIL was losing her mind telling him to stop but in his mind he was helping her by doing all the work for her: lifting heavy boxes, transporting them, lifting them again, unboxing. He just didn’t know or grasp or could see that the bigger task is figuring out where to put the stuff, cleaning the shelves before putting stuff away, knowing what’s where, planning for immediate and near and distant future usage of stuff, that she had to eat and sleep in that place, and basic stuff like having a clear chair to sit on. FIL got really pissed off she was being ungrateful and stormed off. She sent me a photo of her kitchen after he left and I felt awful for her. He just doesn’t know what it takes to put a home together, thought that his effort was all it takes and she just had to “put it away” - easy, lifting one thing at a time in the same room. Moving, like clearing the house of a deceased person, is a MASSIVE job and because it’s basically mundane work time men don’t get what it takes.

Your DH reminded me of this. Plus, he’s grieving and having to negotiate with his sisters, plus think about small children around glassware. Just put the boxes in a corner until he’s calmed down. Give it a few weeks until all the boxes of all the stuff are at your house. Then work out together which stuff stays and which goes, fairly between his family and yours.

If you buy his siblings out, I presume you will have more room. When things have settled, perhaps you could suggest to your dh that the stuff your dh wants to keep could be stored somewhere until you know exactly what you’re going to do with it all and where you’re going to live. If you genuinely are going to move, it makes no sense to unpack her possessions only to repack as this is when things get damaged.

I absolutely do not view the items as junk! I have said many times I am happy to have some of MIL’s things, particularly items that DH or I or our children associate with her, or that were special to her. All I asked is that we pack it all away for now until we have a chance to properly home everything. If something were to be damaged because it wasn’t done properly - whether MIL’s, a grandmother’s, or something we were gifted for our wedding - I’d feel awful. And yes I made a poor comment regarding future possessions, but as I have already said I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff a person accumulates in their lifetime and said out loud the thoughts running through my head.

I needed to prep a dessert for tomorrow night because I have no time to do it tomorrow. The glassware is not high on my list of priorities right at this second.

you're not getting it. It’s not about the glassware. It’s about your husband’s feelings, his grief for the woman who gave birth to him and brought him up.

M&S, Waitrose and Paul’s do very nice desserts. You didn’t need to prioritise making desserts over looking at your husband and thinking of how you might help him.

Yes, he lost it and shouted in an unacceptable way, but can you cut him some slack…

They really aren’t common anymore, but yes we have one. We literally got it to display/store some very pretty (but expensive) crystal we received for our wedding 10 years ago, as well as a couple of bits of crystal we’ve received from our (now deceased) grandmothers. We thought it was too nice to hide away but didn’t want it out where it could be broken. We also use the cabinets underneath to store games and other miscellaneous things. Over the years, any sort of breakable but nice to look at item has gone in there.

That’s exactly what I meant. Hold on to it

Get a couple of huge plastic storage boxes with lids and everything can go in there for now in the garden. Then you have time to go through all your own cabinets and weed out the bits that you can donate to create space, as well as to go through her stuff to decide what to keep and what to donate

@Amariel13 Sorry for your loss.

We had to sort out late MIL's home (massive 4-bed detached house) and when it was sold we had very short notice to clear everything out. DH rented a storage unit, sharing the cost with another family member, and we put everything in there. Bit by bit, over two years, it has been sorted out. Perhaps suggest that this could be an option.

When you are newly grieving, it is not the time to get rid of stuff. There are probably a lot of things he remembers from his childhood, and it takes time to be able to let go. My lovely DM died in the 1990's and I still have some things of hers in the loft I can't bear to part with, even now.

I’ve mentioned this in another comment, but even if we buy his sisters out it’s very unlikely we’d be living in MIL’s house anytime soon. DH was adamant that he wanted it at first, but as time has passed he doesn’t think he’d be able to live there. If we do buy it, it will be an investment property and rented out for the time being. So sadly no, we won’t have more space.

I am making the assumption that you have yet to lose your DM. It’s not about the glassware, it’s all about the grief. The glassware is obviously something your MIL treasured. It may have included items that your DS gave to your MIL before you were on the scene. Pieces that only came out at Christmas or special occasions that carry memories.

Grief is a process of letting go. The physical belongings are a bridge between you and the person you have lost. It can be a hard process to let go of all those memories that go all the way back to birth.

Don't be surprised if your DH has a wobble about moving into his late DM’s home. We inherited my parents second home, they had been in the process of doing up a house that they were going to retire to but my DM died not long before they were due to finally move.

On the one hand there was a calmness when we stayed there but I would often stand in the kitchen and could almost hear my mum organising us all from her favourite place in front of the oven ( she was an amazing cook and baker along with having a professional career). Just before she found out her cancer was terminal they had ordered a couple of expensive settees and the delivery date was going to be a bit tight. My dad rung the company and explained the situation. They rushed the order and she was able to sit on her settees on her last visit to the house. Those settees were always very special as a result. But we made the joint decision that she would have been delighted they were well used by the grandchildren she never met, so donated them to a furniture charity.

Sorting out the family home was very difficult, and because a lot of stuff was moved to their retirement home, after DF died we had to do it all again. I still have a few boxes I just can’t bring myself to get rid off, and my parents have been dead for over 20yrs. We did keep the second home as a family holiday home so it delayed the inevitable for some years until we sold it.

Be kind and indulge him at the moment. Letting go is difficult but with time it becomes easier. For the time being maybe pack away the stuff in your cabinet and stored his mums stuff while he is learning how to let go.

I sympathise.

I can understand why it felt so overwhelming. And he shouldn’t have shouted or said anything nasty to you.

however, you bringing up other family deaths was very ill timed (as you’ve acknowledged). And the fact that his father is also deceased must feel extraordinarily overwhelming to him. The glassware isn’t just a momento of his mum, it’s possibly the last link to his parents and his past. As you said, he’s told you he can’t bring himself to live in the house if it came to it.

give him a hug. Forgive him.

If he’s not a sentimental person then you may find his position changes over time. Losing a parent is obviously very emotional, I think you need to be more sensitive. No one wants to have piles of stuff everywhere but I think his grief needs to take priority over your overwhelm for now. he needs your support.

You can deal with the stuff later.

BBC Sort Your Life out dealt very sensitively with the issue of what to do with a deceased person's belongings in their recent series. Might be worth a watch.

At the moment, giving stuff away is like losing more of his mum, I would suggest.
He won't want to keep everything in the end

You did nothing wrong but you couldn't do anything right. He's grieving and super sensitive about anything related to his mum. It was bad timing but he kind of forced it by putting the glassware on the table. Sounds as though he hadn't really thought it through. Maybe you should leave it for him to sort out and see what solution he comes up with. Would he rent a storage locker or buy a shed to put in the garden. Put it in the loft? I hope he offers an apology and you can have a calmer discussion.

They say a death along with moving are the most stressful experiences, it must be very difficult sorting her things out for both of you. He's using a lot of his time and energy and emotions dealing with her estate. Hopefully you can cut each other some slack and get through the other side without anymore unkind words. He certainly owes you an apology for what he said about your family. Good luck.

Not three months after they’ve passed away though.

"this is very out of the norm for him"

Well his mum just died! You seem superficially understanding of his "hard day" but all your replies have been justifying the logistics about where you're going to put all this stuff, what you're going to do when other family dies, going on about grandparents (not the same as losing a parent). Get off mumsnet and give your husband a cuddle and tell him you'll make it work with whatever he wants to keep from the house. You can sort it out later when he's not in raw grief.
Btw when my parent died unexpectedly I has waves of grief so intense that my legs went numb and I couldn't move. And I'm "normally" a totally chill logical person. So give him some leeway and stop worrying about your bloody china cabinet.

im way too poor for this what the hell is a walk in robe

I sympathise with you OP and I think you handled it as well as you could. As others have said, he’s grieving and not thinking rationally.
What about a smallish shed in the garden even if it’s just to store the things till he decides what to do with them? Cheaper than paying out for self storage, and you could sell it on when you don’t need it anymore.

@Herewegoagainandagainandagain "Right now he is grieving and his needs are higher so try to work with him."

To an extent yes. But it always seems to be men that turn into abusive shits when they're bereaved. Male bereavement seems to be some kind of free license for uncontrolled anger, affairs and bullying.