Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

I never told him to put it back, I asked if it could be packed away until I/we had a chance to go through everything and home it properly. It was to protect the items - we have 3 young children who will definitely break things if they’re left out. And the family coming are his sisters and their families - they’ve all seen these items and have some of their own. Yes, it matters if my house is messy with breakable items not properly put away when we have 7 children coming to visit.

I’m definitely the more sentimental of the 2 of us - he’s usually happy to throw anything and everything away. So this is very out of the norm for him, and I think has added to my feeling of overwhelm tonight

You're not unreasonable to feel overwhelmed, it is overwhelming, and his lashing out at clearly shaken you up - it's a hard time for both of you. You didn't deserve to be spoken to like that, you know it and we do too.

Grief is like a form of madness really, but it will pass and none of this is permanent.

You both need a bit of time - and probably a hug too

Us buying the house is not set in stone and depends heavily on valuations. We will also not be living in the house, at least for the first few years as DH doesn’t think he can live there; it will be an investment property.

We ended up with enough of MIL's spotless, beautifully washed and ironed, polyester bedding mostly with non working zips or missing buttons (dating back to DH's babyhood and possibly earlier including lots of children's duvet covers) when she died because FIL coped by completely gutting the house and selling everything not screwed down on eBay - things that didn't sell he told his children to take.

We already had everything we needed in terms of non polyester bedding, but they sat on boxes next to the linen cupboard for two years before he was okay with getting rid of them as part of a general clear up.

Sometimes you have to hold onto things for a bit and get rid later if there's a lot of emotions attached.

If you are thinking of buying the house can some of it be boxed and stored there for now.

I agree that me raising the hypothetical future issue of all the things we’re likely to inherit wasn’t helpful. I was overwhelmed by how much he’d brought home, and then his comments of wanting to get more glassware - I had no idea MIL had this much stuff stashed away, and I think I just started visualising how much stuff everyone seems to have. The idea of trying to store everything overwhelmed me, and I blurted out a comment that was stupid in hindsight but was consuming to me in the moment.

So what is OP supposed to do with the stuff in the cabinet now? At what point does she say OK, can we put some of my ancestors' and wedding stuff back on display? Or is it now a permanent shrine to his mother? Grief or not (and I've lost immediate family members and taken years to let go of their stuff) he has no right to dictate what they have on display.

It was 9pm on a Saturday evening when this happened. I will definitely be packing up some items in the cabinet to make way for his mum’s, but I’m not doing that tonight. I’ve spent the day solo parenting 3 kids while he was at his mum’s, our youngest is sick and very difficult to deal with at the moment. And I needed to prep a dessert for tomorrow night because I have no time to do it tomorrow. The glassware is not high on my list of priorities right at this second.

Grief or not, you don't have to tolerate him speaking to you rudely - there's no excuse for that and you shouldn't let it pass. My dad died last year - I managed not to bite my husbands head off when he was trying to help!

It is the sort of thing my husband does. I just let him decide where to put it (he realises the cupboard are full) , and we put a few prominent set items in with our own, then pack up the rest and it now sits in boxes in the garage and I will dispose of some items at some point, but I always wait to pick the right moment.

it’s annoying that it seems to be always women who have to be managing men’s emotions…. but I do believe there is such a thing as picking the right moment and I think possibly you did not, so just de-escalate and let him sort it his way, then after a bit of time gradually get it back to how it works for you

I think you have inadvertently mishandled this @Amariel13 because you haven’t yet lost your parents and are, understandably, less sensitive to how overwhelming it is when it happens - you just can’t understand it until it happens to you.

You’ve acknowledged you shouldn’t have gone on about theoretical future possessions to justify not keeping his mum’s but I think that’s been his touch point and it would have been mine too.

You need to be aware too that the smallest of things might set him off - I remember after DM died completely losing it with my husband and sobbing because he’d used our new cooker for the first time without me. The poor man was making my dinner 🤣🙈 it’s just a very vulnerable erratic time and you’ll have to make allowances and bite your tongue a bit more effectively…

I'm getting old now, this is why I'm doing the gradual Swedish Death Clean. You take your time and dispose of all the stuff you don't actually need or want so your children won't be lumbered with the job one day.

Give him time OP, he'll probably forget about most of it after a while.

I wouldn't have packed it up. If he wants to leave it there and inconvenience people then he will eventually pack it up surely?
Grieving shouldn't give him a pass for being a dick.

Do you do most housework or household tasks, OP? It wouldn't surprise me as you have 3 young kids so are likely working PT or at home for now. He seems to see this very much as your issue to sort in terms of washing things, making space for them and so on, but that makes it a minefield if they are things he feels emotional about.

I would encourage solutions that allow you time to think - grief is very hard and it's tough to be practical at that time. The storage unit idea is good. Also, having done the house clearance thing myself, there isn't that much risk of thieves taking things like glassware so don't feel pressured to clear it quickly on that account.

Box it up and put it in the loft/garage. Then when he’s in a better place deal with it then.

we are similar and have a shit ton of mil’s stuff in our garage. It’s hard because that generation collected it thinking it was valuable, but of course it’s not any more.

o/t but you have a “china cabinet”? Is that still a thing? My mum/mil/aunts all have them for their doulton ladies and “for best” china tea sets, but with that sort of stuff no longer being valuable or fashionable I thought the china cabinets had died a death with them?

what do you keep in yours?

This is a tough time. Your DH has spent what must have been tense times trying to sort his mother's house with his sisters. No matter how lovely they might normally be, it has probably been really difficult.

When my DH died, my DSis observed that many people deal with grief through rage whether or not they want to do it that way.

On a practical note, b/c extra stuff can be overwhelming, if you have glassware and similar you'd like to find a home for, check whether your area has I Need a Whisk/Craigslist/Freecycle - this can be a great place to find new homes for things you're ready to let go.
I found December/New Year's a good time to offload glassware.

In his mind he has had an emotional day clearing out his mum’s possessions. He’s brought home a piece of his mum and years of memories. In your mind he’s brought home junk you are not interested in and you’ve left him know that.

Right now he is grieving and his needs are higher so try to work with him. If he wants to try to jam it all in the cupboard, for now, let him, help him. Now is not the time to make it about you.

Ah I remember this when my daughter died, the pure urge to hand onto everything was overwhelming.

Tell him to bring it and clear a space to store it in, like under the bed or cupboard, storage boxes until the rawness has passed and you can both go through everything to see which bits to keep. The months will go on and he'll unattach himself.

It's a strange feeling wanting to cling to someone's belongings but my husband just let me hold on to everything from her place until I got fed up of stuff everywhere and started sorting through.

Go easy. It’s very recent. Grief does strange things. A year from now he will probably see things differently. I clung on to reminders which seems a bit silly/ impractical now.

Exactly this. I decided keeping a particular cleaning too waa very important. It’s a sign of desperation.

I was incredibly overwhelmed by how much stuff was there - and it was just glassware and crystal. While I knew we’d be taking some of MIL’s possessions, and I do so happily because she was important to me too, it feels like DH is not wanting to donate or throw away anything. I wasn’t prepared for that. He is not sentimental with his own possessions and regularly purges stuff. We’ve both lost 3 grandparents and have a few items to remember each of them. DH has also lost his father (the year before we married) and has quite a few of his possessions but nothing outrageous. But it seems like he’s decided to claim one quarter of MIL’s worldly possessions and somehow we’ll have to find the space for them. I wish he didn’t have to get rid of anything - I wish MIL was still here - but unfortunately we’ve been dealt the cards we have and now we have to deal with them.

You are both young to be dealing with a parent’s sudden death. She was loved by you, too.
Your DH has lost his mum so suddenly and it’s a strange thing, grief.
I would firstly be glad he’s participated in sorting through his mum’s things. It is important for him.
He is probs it overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to keep so he’s dumped it at home.
When I lost both my parents I had a whole home to sort out on my own and all the things my mum treasured - including crystal - I could make a decision on. But it took me a while.
I know he was wrong, he will know he is, too, but he’s not rational right now.
Try not to worry about what’s coming from your parents hopefully it will be many years before there is more stuff coming.
And you do learn to part with it, and I hate to say this, a lot of what parents value is stuff their kids will never use.
Storage units are a good idea in some ways but they can become dumping grounds.
As for buying the property I’d think about that another time, too.

It is but it passes. I think it's kind to make allowances for stuff like that.

My husband brought home a load of stuff from his mothers, we've got a clock and a box full of sherry glasses left.

Getting rid of things that belonged to a much loved person who has died is not a one time process. Initially he’ll want to keep everything that has some emotional significance, because letting go simply isn’t an option at this point. There will be multiple times over the next few years where he’ll be ready to let go of one thing or another.

My mum died twenty years ago. I started off with half a dozen large boxes of her belongings. I’m now down to a couple of boxes, and I’m in the process of letting go of more things. At some point in the not too distant future I expect to be left with just her jewellery, silverware and a rug. Plus the photos, of course.

Exactly