Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

And, of course, lose that maculine trait of spatial awareness that allows them to see at a glance that you can't fit a quart into a pint glass.

Wow...men can be angry because they've suppressed their emotions ? Really?

How about we expect them to act well by regulating their emotions? As OP explains she did throughout her post

I found with my mum's and aunt's things that just after they'd passed I wanted to keep everything. Gradually though the amount of things I actually wanted grew smaller and smaller until I got rid of most of it. I now just have a few pieces and some jewellery.

I would give him some time, the glassware is out of sight and safe where it is. You could also put some things in storage if it all gets a bit too much.

And it is not universal for men either 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ah yes, that too!

After my mum died it took a while to clear everything. It didn't really start in earnest as we were trying to sell the house and left things to make it look lived in. When we did really start I was tbh fed up looking at things and even now 4 years later have got rid of stuff that I thought I really wanted to keep. At the time some of the stuff while not in any way valuable was sentimental but as long as I have a few pieces I am happy with that. It was sad to see that ornaments that were expensive at the time now aren't really worth anything. Think along the lines of Royal Doulton ladies. But my mum loved them and had the pleasure of having them all those years. My mum had a lot of glass including Waterford and I have just kept 2 pieces. Hopefully after time has passed your dh will realise that he doesn't have to keep it all.

Your husband is in grief.
Always start by exclaiming that the items from his mother are lovely and very precious.
Try to store them safely (assist him to find a spot or buy a new cupboard) so that your children can take items when they move out of home.

@AnnikaA "Most men have somewhere along the line learned to suppress emotion, perhaps not even recognising how they feel. And anger can be one of the ways that bottled-up emotion breaks free. Forgive him for his anger, forgive yourself for being cold-hearted, and move on."

What the hell have I just read. We know only too well about male anger, we have to live with it (and sometimes die by it) on a daily basis. As for women forgiving and being kind - that's the biggest part of the problem. Men can behave like brats and bullies secure in the knowledge that there's a whole framework of societal reasons to excuse them. And women have, for milennia, been obliged to play along.

Who on earth is going to rob a house for some glasses!!

Some people find it easy to let stuff go, others not so easy

Mum died in march, very quick, very sudden, not expected and tbh Im reeling. Mum lived in part of our house, and she had tonnes of "stuff". Dh is very much, right lets get it sorted, get the rooms decorated, I thought I was the same, but now its coming down to it Im finding it harder then I ever thought imaginable

So far I have managed to do her clothes and a lot of the hoarded stuff she kept in her spare room. She had a full size stationary cupboard in there and it was stuffed full of stuff. Ive moved the cupboard to another room so far and Ive half filled it with bits that need to be thought about, things that are very personal , things I know she loved which is why they were stashed away

Im dreading the living room with her glass cabinets

My wee sister has given me some great advice. Dump/charity shop which you know is no use to yourself and things that you are unsure about right now, pack up and store , she's still got a few boxes of her MIL's "treasures". About once a year she will go through them and think about each item , some she has sold on, other stuff to the charity shop and other stuff has found room in her home. She's slowly whittling through it. Stuff. that she thought would come in use for the kids as they set up home

So where I thought I would be the ruthless type, Im finding Im not and Im finding room for more then I thought. Half the stuff I said originally to get rid off, Ive kept , stuff I thought I would sell on. Ive given to good homes , and I and slowly filling the stationary cupboard with bits and bobs that I need time to think on, later, maybe in a few months, maybe in a few years

And I kind of guess that's where your husband is right now, he doesnt want mum totally disappearing

You do need him to pack it up for now, and let the dust settle and return to it when some time has passed and emotions aren't so raw , but how you communicate that too him I dont know

For what its worth, having to go through this myself is making me more ruthless with my own belongings I dont want my stuff to be stashed in a garage never to see the light of day again so Im whittling it all away now

Your post at 13.15 where you said you’ve both lost 3 grandparents and didn’t accumulate nearly this amount of stuff, he seems to want 1/4 of his mother’s belongings. You’ll cringe a bit at all this when you have to clear your own parents’ house.

Give some to antiques shops

My sister wouldn't get rid of any of our mum's stuff. She's now paying hundreds of pounds to store it in a storage unit (clothes, shoes, nothing of value, nothing particularly sentimental). She's not looked at the stuff for over a year.

The more I read the updates the worse it gets there not an ounce of empathy

I lost both parents just over 2 years ago. They lived with us for the last 5 years of their lives and had their own living room, bedroom and bathroom. It was only last October that I cleared out their living room and even then, I couldn't bring myself to dispose of a lot of their treasured items.

If anyone had even dared to hint that I couldn't keep some of their things only a few months after their passing, I would have gone nuts.

So, I'm sorry, but yes - I do think YABU. Softly, softly OP, grief is a really shitty emotion to deal with, and it has a habit of throwing massive curve balls at you. Remember, this will be you one day, and honestly, you can't second-guess how you will feel when that time comes.

I lost my mum when I was 37, same sort of scenario, cancer, very quickly. I’ve got quite a lot of her stuff still and can’t face getting rid of any of it yet. We don’t really have room for it but my husband didn’t even blink, just instantly set about finding a safe place for stuff, because he knew it wasn’t the right time to have discussions about where it’s going to be kept. I still can’t look at some of it but in time I will get the strength to go through it and whittle it down.

I think I would have been quite upset if his first reaction when I arrived home with it was to make a comment like ‘Where is it all going to go?’.

I feel for you both. My DH just lost his dad and we also have what I tend to think is an unreasonable amount of his old furniture and other things everywhere. No young DC though.
Probably best to leave him to figure it out. Worst case, the parents of the 7 extra DC arrive, they all realize it's a disaster if it's left out, and they all pitch in to box it up ASAP.
You shouldn't be left with the responsibility to keep it all and manage it around 10 DC but no control to move it. And you shouldn't have to replace your existing household , obviously, or your own keepsakes.

I'm assuming he'll either immediately refuse or quickly see how impossible it is - makes the issue visible while being supportive

These items form part of his mother’s estate. A tax return has to be done for HMRC.

Did his mother leave a Will ? Even if not the law requires someone’s estate is handled according to very clear set out lines. Who are the beneficiaries ?

Whoever is the executor(s) is or are needs to value all the items.

Then, once valued, once you identify is there a Will ? Who are the beneficiaries, you can decide what, if anything, each of those beneficiaries may wish to have. In agreement with the other beneficiaries.

The things that nobody wants get sold.

This as described sounds very disorderly.
The house should also be insured whilst empty. Council tax sorted. All sorts. Banks told etc. Pensions people.

As to wanting to keep everything, some people seem to want to do this. Others do not want someone else’s household in theirs. Two households into one don’t go. But tread carefully as grief can show in strange ways.

I agree with this. Really not the time to be talking about hypothetically receiving stuff from people who haven't even passed away yet.

I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical.

Honestly if I was your DH I would've lost it at this comment and been very hurt by it. Surely that's a "cross that bridge when we come to it" kind of situation.
The whole thing was not ideal. You are both stressed out for different reasons and grieving in different ways. You should probably both apologise to each other.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here. You were being practical, as soon as your DH became upset you changed your tone. Unfortunately he still got upset. He's not in the wrong either, as it's likely the grief talking. Hopefully once he's calmed down he will understand. I think you responded really well when you realised he was upset 💐

If it was me, I would probably reopen the conversation at some point next week and let him explain what he wants to keep and why. Explain that you want to help him by planning ahead to make storage space/get rid of items in your house that will be replaced by the better quality items he is bringing home. Hopefully you can establish the extent to which he is hanging onto things for sentimental reasons and the extent to which he is perhaps just trying to upgrade some of your own possessions. If he is really struggling with the thought of letting anything go, hopefully this will come out during the conversation. Maybe he would be more receptive if you can think of somewhere his parents would have appreciated donating to e.g. if they went to church, is there a group who help families in the congregation with furnishing new homes when on low incomes? A storage unit would also buy you both some time - him to grieve and face up to letting stuff go, you to gently broach the practicalities of keeping everything.

He's in the throes of grief, trying to sort his mams stuff, knowing he'll never see her again, and you remind him of all the other people in his life that are about to die? You are being very unreasonable here. Take the stuff. Rake all he wants to bring. Sort it out LATER. Let him have this ... for now.

I couldn't bear getting rid of anything at first in a similar situation even though I didn't have the space and it wasn't my style but it felt essential to somehow hold onto it-ir was all I had left of her. That shifted once I was less shocked and upset.

I wouldn’t want to keep it all either. Can you take some to charity shop?