Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

I have left the decision on whether to buy the house completely in DH’s hands, as it wasn’t my family home and I don’t have the same attachment to it. A lot of his desire to keep it lies in the fact that his dad designed the house. I would also hate to see it sold because it was something his dad was so incredibly proud of, but it’s not going to affect me the same. My dad has rented out houses before and often spoke of his frustration around renters, which I have discussed with DH (the possibility of damage, etc) so he’s prepared-ish if we take that route. But I feel like I shouldn’t get equal say in this decision. I’ve told him I would live there or I would help manage it as a rental or I would support him in selling it alongside his sisters - whatever he wants to do.

I agree with this.

I think you handled it badly, OP. Your questions were valid at some point, but today was not the time to raise them.

I’ve lost both my parents and house clearing was extremely emotional and stressful. My DP would have received very short shrift from me for behaviour like yours today.

Sorry but I wouldn't have made any issue about a bit of glassware on the actual day he's been sorting it etc...theres the right time and place...I remember my DH turning up with boxes and boxes of stuff and in my head I was like oh crap but verbally agreed he could pop them in sitting room etc...only took a couple of days for him to see himself it wasn't realistic to keep the majority

I would suggest a storage unit for now. He can put anything he wants to keep in there, to allow the house to be prepared for sale.

Then one box at a time, maybe one a week, go through and pick out a few things to transfer to yours.

Over time, he might find it easier to let go of the things with less sentimental value but right now it all holds memories.

Disagree that you handled it well, really upsetting for him and fussing about saying the kids will get them and blah about family tomorrow is really insensitive. Ditto going on about where to put stuff from people who are still around etc
He's grieving and upset.

No one. But the house has been sitting empty for a few months (and a little before that as MIL was hospitalised). It wouldn’t take someone long to realise that the house is empty, and she lived in quite a nice area where you’d expect a lot of valuables. One of my SILs is good friends with a police officer who said they regularly respond to break-ins at deceased homes. Even if there are no valuables to take, the house is often trashed so anything left there has the potential to be broken. He said that there are people who follow probate websites and use the information to figure out where a deceased person lived, then break-in. I don’t know how much truth there is to that, just what SIL has shared with us. The actual valuables were very quickly removed from the house and, as of yesterday, DH and his siblings have started clearing out other items on the off-chance someone were to break-in and trash whatever is left.

Leave him to do what he wants at the moment with regards to your MIL possessions. He is grieving not only his mum but the last of his parents. Personally I would empty the china cabernet into a box and put her stuff in and sort it again in a few months when it's all less raw.

It's incredibly hard losing a parent, you don't know at the time what is important to keep and what isn't. It will come to him in time.

I think we all have the capacity to upset someone we love dearly and have known, and lived with, for decades. When you are both navigating new situations, as DH and I also are now that he has been diagnosed with a life-limiting illness, we sometimes get it wrong. We apologise, hug and move on, as you have done.

We’re in Australia so the way probate works is slightly different I imagine.

I’m not really sure why you assume things like insurance, tax, telling banks etc haven’t been done? Of course the house is insured, and it has been updated to show MIL has passed and the property is currently sitting empty. DH and one of my SILs are the executors and have gone through the proper process; probate has been granted and they are able to start carrying out the Will.

Yes, MIL left a Will. Beyond a few items of jewellery that were specifically left to SILs (DH had already received his inheritance of FIL’s wedding band when he passed), the Will states that other assets are to be split evenly between the 4 children. We spoke to her about the potential of us buying the house before she died, and she was happy with that providing it was all properly valued and we paid SILs what they were owed. She had assumed none of us would want/be able to afford the house and it would be sold, but this wasn’t an actual stipulation. It wasn’t in the Will, but she had told us all about a few items that she would like to stay in the family and she didn’t care what we did with the rest. Basically, we were welcome to what we wanted and could give away, throw away or donate the rest. I have never heard of anyone valuing every single item and that is how they are distributed after someone has died.

I can tell you that I and a couple of friends could have written this and had exactly the same conversation with our other halves in similar circumstances. He’s behaving irrationally- cut him some slack.

They are a link to his mother. Important to him at this stage of grieving. I think you were insensitive Op. He’s lost his mother and you were not thinking of him and how he feels but of yourself.

I did not realise you were in Australia. So of course things will likely be very different to here.
I have no experience or understanding of how things work post death in Australia. My post was based on what should occur in the UK. But often doesn’t.
Unless explained it is easy to make the wrong assumption.
Best wishes

I can see both points of view. You say the garage is very small...perhaps DH can move his car out and store his mothers stuff there.
You are happy to have her things but it is his responsibility to find somewhere to put it.
I took a lot of my DM's things rather than see them given away or destroyed as they meant a lot to her. A few years down the line I realised that it is all just 'stuff' and isn't her, so I had a massive declutter and feel so much better for it, but he is a long way off that yet.

Who is “us” and “we”? Your mother in law left her estate to her children

OP and her DH have discussed buying the sisters out, owning the home themselves and using it as a rental property.

I was a complete bitch when my father died. But it didn't last, and my friends and loved ones gave me a free pass - something I'll always be thankful for

My MIL died earlier this year too and we are in the process of sorting through her things. You just need to be patient and not let things escalate. It's all saw raw just now and he will realise in time but you just need to be tolerant for now and not push things.

My dad went into a care home and we started to use the property as a holiday let. This helped buy time to start getting rid of things slowly, anything that was of sentimental value was removed but everything else stayed and over the years, I've slowly got rid of things.

You put your need for a clean house above his need to grieve. Everyone grieves differently. He had just gone through his deceased mother's items and then came home to a wife pushing the need for a show-home, because of the Mrs Hinch, era. His family coming over would more than likely understand. This whole cleaning nonsense which crops up on here, time and time again causing division in marriages...it's ridiculous.

Now is not the time or place to get on the back of a partner grieving their mum. What he needs is compassion, nurturing, and empathy. Don't blame a person for snapping and becoming erratic when all you've done is gone straight to 'cleaning' mode.

By all means put the glassware safe. You could have offered to do that yourself, because he was already stressed. It sounded like he needed a bit of breathing space. I am not condoning his poor attitude, but he was already in a state of heightened emotions and all you were worried about was cleaning and throwing out his mother's stuff. So what if you have a crowded house of China and glassware for a while? Let him grieve. In time he will probably realise it's not sustainable and start to clear it away.

My mum passed away after a short battle with cancer too. My dad got rid of stuff he didn't want of hers within the first 2 months. I took a lot of it as I couldn't bear to see it get thrown away.

It's only now - 3 years later that I can begin to throw things out/give to charity.
Can you box it back up and store it somewhere? (Sorry if you've said this - I've not rtft). You could even put it back in her house for now, marked with your names.

Ah, I’m so sorry OP. Your reaction was completely normal, rational and justified but he’s going to be in too emotional a state to deal with any issues at the moment, and you of course unwittingly created an issue that he just can’t cope with.

Hopefully you’ll both apologise to each other, have a hug and park the glassware in the wardrobe for now until he’s in a bettter state to decide what to do with it. If he wants to keep his mum’s glassware I don’t really think you should stand in the way of that, but obviously there’s only so much that can stay in the cabinet.

It will sort itself out, will just take some time. He may just need to store it in boxes until he can face parting with it.

My partner held on (to what I consider) quite strange things when his Dad died. It's all in the attic so will just move with us or eventually be got rid of.
I dont have sentimentality around anything so when my mum dies I can only literally think of 1 or 2 things I'll keep. Im the same with my own belongings...literally there's nothing I'd get overly upset about if I lost it/burnt in a fire etc.

As ThisJadeBear said, DH and I have discussed buying SILs out. As we are married and have joint money, this would very much be “us” doing this rather than him.

I have also been with DH for 19 years (married for 10), one SIL has been with her husband about 22 years, and another has been with her husband about 18 years now. The last SIL has the newest relationship at 4 years. My MIL was always very inclusive of us in-laws, particularly the 3 who’ve been part of the family for decades, and when she was unwell spoke of leaving things to us all collectively. While I have no claim to her inheritance, simply by being married to her son I will be a party to it - I would never presume to tell him what to/not to spend the money on, but it would be naive to think I wouldn’t benefit from it or be involved in some way.

It was absolutely not about having a “show home” - if you saw my house, you’d find such a comment laughable. It was about the fact that leaving glassware and crystal all over our dining room table is just asking for little fingers to touch it - and if one of the kids broke something he’d be devastated. It was also about cleanliness in the regard that we hosted his SILs and their families for dinner tonight, which was pre-arranged before he brought all this stuff home - we needed the dining table to eat at, which we do for nearly every meal, so it couldn’t stay there indefinitely anyway. I was more than happy to pack it all up myself, I was just asking him if we could do that - as you say, he’s grieving his mum and I didn’t want to just do it without consulting him, as that may have upset him more.

That’s really hard, I’m sorry it seemed so easy for him to part with things!

Sadly, we don’t have a whole lot of space to store things here. We have a small garage, no attic/loft, and not a lot of cupboards. The only option is under the house, which feels a bit disrespectful to me (as it’s very dirty and gross under there) so I won’t even entertain it. We could potentially store some stuff at MILs temporarily, but the point was to get it out of her house.