Argument with DH over deceased MIL’s belongings

[Amariel13]

DH lost his mother in late January; she had a very quick decline due to cancer, it was all very sudden and the family was left reeling. He and his sisters have started clearing out the house, as they’re preparing to sell it (although there is a chance we will buy them all out and keep it) and are worried about leaving valuables there in case it’s robbed. They’ve done jewellery and some electronics, today they did the crystal and glassware.

DH has come home with a ton of glassware. I had no idea she had this much and was a bit overwhelmed in the moment seeing it all laid out on my dining room table - and I said “where are we going to put it all?”. I sensed the shift in his mood immediately and clarified it by saying our China cabinet is full so I’ll have to do some rearranging to get it all to fit. He said he was thinking we could replace some of our glassware with hers, I agreed that we could definitely replace a few things, as hers was nicer/better quality. But that still leaves a heap of things that I need to find a home for (I didn’t say this out loud). He then mentioned there’s more they didn’t get to and that he’d like to take more of it. I tried to gently say that we’re not going to be able to take everything and that, at some point, some things are going to have to go. This got his back up immediately and he asked what i
meant. I pointed out that we’re going to receive items from his grandfather, my grandmother, and my parents at some point when they all pass and that while we’d love to keep all of their possessions, it’s just not practical. He seemed to calm a little but insisted he still wanted more of his mum’s glassware.

I tried to change the subject and said we can’t leave it all on the table, as the kids will get to it in the morning (they’re between 2 and 8). We’re also hosting his family for dinner tomorrow and have kids sport to contend with, so I said can we pack it all up and I’ll start rearranging everything this week when I have time. DH started putting crystal glasses and decanters on the sink, saying they needed to be washed. Then started trying to put stuff on our China cabinet. I repeated about packing it away until we had more time to actually go through our stuff (thinking maybe he didn’t want me to do it on my own), and he lost it. He started shouting at me that he asked 3 times what I wanted him to do with it but that I hadn’t answered. I responded that I had twice said can we pack it all up for now, he started yelling what does that even mean. I said that we need to wrap it all back up and put it back in the boxes. He (still yelling) demanded to know where I wanted to put the boxes, I suggested our ensuite/walk in robe because they’d be safe from the kids in there. He angrily packed everything up and started yelling about how he’ll just take it all back to his mum’s, how he wishes he hadn’t taken anything, and said all I’m worried about is getting hypothetical stuff from others and then said some quite nasty things about my family.

I was quite angry by this point but knew being at his mum’s today had clearly upset him so tried to keep my cool. I did tell him to stop putting words in my mouth and that I never once said we couldn’t keep the things he’d brought home; in fact, I’d said a number of times that I’d be making room for them. I also said his family are coming tomorrow so I don’t want the house a mess, we won’t have time to go through everything so it will have to wait. He stormed off to put the boxes in our robe, came back still yelling and has gone to watch tv in the lounge. I decided to remove myself from the situation because I don’t want to fight and I don’t like the way he spoke to me, so now I’m in the bedroom.

While I don’t think I’m wrong in thinking that we can’t take everything that a deceased family member leaves behind, I realise that this probably wasn’t the time to bring it up - but I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything, so if his sisters don’t want it, it’s going to end up here. Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me. We have 3 kids and can only get rid of so much.

I don’t even really know why I’m posting. I just feel like I’m damned no matter what I do or say. Advice on how to proceed?

Surely it’s his issue to find a home for the glassware? And to get it off the table in advance of his family’s visit, though? I mean, I wouldn’t see either of those things as being my problem.

You know you’ve done nothing wrong, but he’s grieving and we don’t always behave rationally in the throes of grief. Like you say, being at his Mum’s yesterday and going through her things would have been deeply, deeply upsetting for him and his instinct right now will be to keep tight hold of the things that link him to her.

You did well to keep your cool. Just give him some space to decompress. I’m sure he’ll calm down and understand your pov in a while.

If it was a normal day then you'd be right OP, but he's obviously really upset about his mum so I think you need to cut him some slack.

He's grieving. Sometimes people don't always act like their usual selves especially when dealing with sentimental stuff- if he's not usually an arse give him some time and some slack.

I wanted to say something similar. He obviously shouldn’t have shouted at you but it’s understandable under the circumstances. He needs time and neither of you needs to have anything figured out just yet.

I have one of those uncles who makes everybody laugh, everyone remembers him, he’s lovely and very funny. Always in a good mood. About a week after the funeral of my grandmother (his mother), he shouted at me about something completely inconsequential. Even at the time it was obvious that it was due to stress and grief. It does strange things to people.

Give him, and yourself, time. You don’t need to look too far into the future just now. It will be ok x

The poor sod only lost his mum a few months back. Everything is raw and painful at this stage for most people, particularly after a very quick decline and death where there's little time to get one's head around it all.

Now is not the time to worry about inheriting too much stuff from multiple people in the future. Saying "can we put these away in the cupboard until after your family have visited" might have been a more productive approach. But then, with bereavement you never know which things are going to be a touch paper issue.

Until you lose a parent you don't really get just what an explosion it is in your life.

You've done nothing wrong, it's your husband's grief talking.

I really sympathise with how he feels but in practical terms if there is a lot of stuff he wants to keep then he needs to think where he is going to store it. Do you have a garage or other outbuilding? If you have no room at home he could hire a storage unit.

I've had three family members die, I took a few things to remember them by and hired a house clearance company for the rest, and my DH was of the same mind and only kept half a dozen items from the PILs after they died. But I know some people find it hard to 'let go', my BIL was like that and took huge amounts of stuff from the PILs house. Fortunately he has a large outbuilding to store it. Four years later it is all still there, he's done nothing with it.

Also I hope he wasn't expecting you to wash it.. Let him find where it's to go. Or suggest he takes it to mil's and bloody well stays there with it.

If it was up to him, it’d all go in the China cabinet and there’s literally no room so I’m not sure what he’d do with the items currently in there. We have some crystal that belonged to his grandmother, some tea cups from my great grandmother, and some items we were gifted for our wedding in there that I would like to keep on display.

I agree with others, you handled it well and he lashed out due to grief.

Finding homes for possessions like this can be overwhelming , in my experience I've found it easiest not to try and do it all at once - letting go of possessions can be like losing the person all over again and it can take time.

Do you both have different attitudes to "things" anyway? Does he get more sentimentality attached than you do?

In the past, we hired a storage locker for a year where we put things - they lay untouched for a year but it gave us time to deal with the initial grief, detach from the belongings a little and find the strength to make decisions about what to do with them. While hired storage might not be an option for you, you could store things in the attic or garage to give him time and space.

It's not just his decision making that might take a bit of time, he'll need to coordinate with his sisters too.

You need to look at this as medium-term project. Accept what you can for now and find ways to incorporate them into your life, then give it a couple of years. By then, he'll be in a better state of mind and also have seen how practical or impractical it is to keep hold of certain things.

I’m now worried that he’s going to refuse to throw away or donate anything

Our house isn’t big and already feels cluttered to me

Does he already have hoarding tendencies? If he does, this could be a significant trigger point, especially with his level of anger and the added emotional content over and above that given inappropriately to stuff that isn't linked to bereavement/childhood memories.

I think telling him to put it back because his family are visiting was insensitive, maybe he wanted to let the others see it or take some, does if matter if the house is a mess.

I lost my dad in 2015 and I was very very up and down for a good couple of years after his death. I could become irrationally angry over the tiniest thing and I didn’t deal with certain situations well. I also lost him very suddenly- literally one day he was fine, the next day I got a phone call telling me he had been found dead. So the shock of losing someone so quickly without the opportunity to say your goodbyes is also an added layer to the grief. It’s still very raw for your dh so cut him some slack at how he reacted.

However, I understand the logistical side of trying to cram other people’s belongings into an already small and crammed house, but I don’t think this is the time to start battling that. You were right to step away and leave him to cool down, and to suggest it gets boxed up again for the time being. If he wants it all washed and cleaned then he needs to do that himself, and if he wants it to be put away immediately (as opposed to boxed up) then he is also in charge of that. These aren’t jobs for you to do.

He's grieving. Just butt out. Let him keep what he wants.

If he wants it all washed and cleaned then he needs to do that himself

I agree, and would suggest saying something to him along the lines of 'I know these are precious to you, I don't want to risk breaking them' so that he doesn't feel unsupported

Our garage is barely big enough for our cars let alone any storage and sadly no other outbuildings. I may have to mention the idea of a storage unit if there’s a lot he wants to keep because while I completely sympathise with what he’s going through (and I’d love to keep all these things too, his mum was in my life for 19 years - I’m only 35 - and I loved her dearly), we literally don’t have the space.

I dont think now was the time to talk practicalities.
I would have just gone along with it, packed up existing stuff and let him arrange it how he needed to.

If you’re planning to buy your MILs house there’s no problem with space for her glassware. This is temporary, he’s grieving, cut him some slack. Talking about all the other people who are going to die and leave china is going to be incredibly stressful for him and really isn’t necessary

Its been a hard day for him OP, I’d let it go over your head. I bet he calms down and see’s sense tomorrow. The only time my DH has really been an utter rude/mean ass to me was when his DM died and I bit my tongue.

I think you are in the wrong. He’s grieving and you are going on about hypothetical stuff that may or may not materialise. I think you need to relax a bit over this one.

At the moment he's in a "wishful thinking" place, let him see/feel the effects of storing lots of things before having further conversations.

Re the China cabinet, why don't you suggest getting a second one? When the answer is there is nowhere to put it, he might begin to realise the limits of the space you have.

So get a storage unit. They come in different sizes so don't have to be massive. When my mum died (only child) my DH hired a container so that I didn't have to make any hasty decisions, and it also meant I wasn't constantly seeing her stuff at a time when I was deeply grieving.

Get a container.

This would drive me mental but it's the kind of shit that happens when someone dies. Give yourself a big hug for supporting him, don't make it a row, take a deep breath, and let it go for now. You may have a while of having the stupid decanters hanging around but also this will pass, it'll go eventually.

Get another China cabinet or a bigger one. It's really not a good time to be discussing which bits he can and can't keep. Or put up a delft rack for the overflow. When things have settled down you can discuss which glasses you will use, etc. Will any siblings want to share them?

I’m definitely the more sentimental of the 2 of us - he’s usually happy to throw anything and everything away. So this is very out of the norm for him, and I think has added to my feeling of overwhelm tonight.

He has 3 sisters - 1 is very much get rid of everything, the other 2 are more sentimental. The agreement they have is that there are certain items that need to stay in the family (which will). For everything else, if none of them want it, it will be offered to other family or MIL’s friends. If they don’t want it, or it’s broken etc, it will be tossed or donated. I know there is a box of things to be offered to others from today, but it seems like DH has taken more than anyone else so far.