I get the vibe she doesn’t like me and I can’t work out why

[ValleyClouds]

I have a friend “Sarah” who is very outgoing and organises a lot of group nights out. I have slowly become an established member of The Group.

Another member, Cleo, appears not to like me. At one event I was with just Sarah and Cleo and we were organising payment for drinks and Cleo very pointedly said “YOU’RE my friend” to Sarah, as if to say “ and YOU’RE not”

Additionally, I’ve organised a couple of things, and Cleo has very pointedly ignored me in the group chat for one thing and sent word to decline via Sarah for the other one

I have tried making inroads with Cleo and invited her out 1:1 - I was completely rebuffed not even a rain check.

I know you can’t be liked by everyone but I can’t see a real reason. I have got a disability and have wondered if she’s just decided she doesn’t have the bandwidth for a friend with additional needs but that just seems really crap.

When we are out as a group theres usually something going on so not much chat but I’ve realised we have got things in common if she gave me the chance.

any thoughts?

This is how I would handle this, she doesn't want to set up a separate friendship with you, she doesn't reply to your texts and if she replies at all, it's through Sarah.

Be friends with Sarah, the other person isn't your friend and that's entirely her choice!

Read 'Let Them' by Mel Robbins, just let other people dislike you, they don't have to all like you and you can't control what they feel, but what you can control is if you spend time constantly pestering them to join in or looking for their approval, stop all that, get on with your own life and hang out with Sarah.

Maybe she's the sort of person who likes winding people up and has sensed that she can do it with you. I once was unfortunate enough to live with someone in a shared house who took against me for no reason. Maybe she thought I was usurping her place in the pecking order, but it made my life a misery. Looking back on it, I should have just ignored her, though it's hard to ignore barbed comments and not to bite back. Sometimes they don't even have to say anything, you can just sense the venom. Whatever, just steer clear of her and try to ignore her. She's the one with the problem, not you. She can't be very happy if she enjoys making other people miserable.

How old is she 9? If she didn’t like you she could just naturally lean in to Sarah she doesn’t have to be so bitchy abt it. The more you try I think the less she will. You’ve done or bit and she hasn’t shown interest so seriously don’t be the irritating please people who agrees with things she says so she can see u have things in common. You will lose yourself. Ignore ignore ignore. She’s acting like she’s 9 help her grow up by not entertaining it. If she wants you to feel left out then she’s insecure. Confident people don’t do what she does. Enjoy Sarah and the rest of the group and try not to get fixated. If it comes into your mind refuse to give it energy

It's not 'needy' at all, it's just a bit deluded in that it assumes that dislike stems from ignorance of what someone is really like. It might do, in some cases, but assuming you're not actively trying to hide your true character from her, it's just as likely as she knows what you're like and still doesn't like you. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you, you're just not a good match for one another, personality-wise.

You can not particularly like someone in a group and still be civil and polite rather than childish vindictive and rude.

There's also a difference between someone not particularly being your cup of tea and outright disliking them. That takes effort and if someone does that without any meaningful interaction between you then I can only assume it's due to some insecurities on their part.

I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of wanting this person to like me. Fuck her.

She sounds rude but sometimes you just don’t click with someone, I’d say don’t take it personally but I know that’s easier said than done.

yes I'd try gently fucking with her. Her ego is fragile, find little digs to make even to others that she'll overhear that drag her down a little w/o being direct. Her work, family, attitudes, weight, anything is fair game once you treat me like shit. Just always be vague and if someone calls you out you blink wide eyed and say oh no I didn't realize Becky was like that! I'm not talking about her, just people who do/are x. Plausible deniability.

I used to care so much what others thought of me, bent myself into pretzels trying to be nice to assholes and all it ever did was upset me more. In fact the assholes often seemed to enjoy watching my efforts go unmatched.

No more of that. I hold up a mirror to people now. I make a sincere effort to get along with people, I'll be kind a few times even bc everyone has an off day etc so maybe that time they mistreated me wasn't meant that way. But you do it over and over? Nope, I get that mirror out and reflect your shit back to you. I'll ponder the person and find little ways to fuck with them. They don't like it but bullies never can take their own medicine.

Sometimes I find the asshole comes around and tries to befriend me, either bc they can't take getting it back or they grudgingly respect me now. And god I admit I love rejecting them if they try to befriend me.

She doesn't have to

she doesn't have to like you but she should at least be civil. Instead she sounds like a child.

Just stop making an effort, be polite and let her crack on with it.

But she doesn't want to!

Leave it at that!

I really do appreciate all the replies and they’ve been really beneficial. I think I’ve got what I needed from it

Thanks all

Are you 12? Fragile ego?

Can you not understand how people can just randomly dislike others?

Although your post had reminder me of something. I had someone try to do similar once as they didn’t like the fact I didn’t like them.

The passive aggressive efforts to ‘hold a mirror up to me’ were very entertaining. Knowing I lived rent free in her head was quite satisfying.

Ironically if they had just got on things and not given me a second thought (much less spent all that headspace trying to plan ways to have a go), I wouldn’t have had so much entertainment 🤣

No, seriously, you can't do this with an acquaintance!

It happens OP, there's no reason for it. I've had the same, luckily not in a friendship group but at work and a housemate: people can be on the offensive when you are a nice person and have done nothing wrong.

For what it's worth one of your first replies hit the nails on the head: don't give a fuck! Not easy to do if you are sensitive and want to be liked.

I think much of human behaviour is instinctive; for some reason personal to her she doesn't like you, probably feels threatened. There's nothing you can do, ignore her until she either gets over it...or doesn't, and be friends with the others.

Does it matter, why are you bothering with trying to make friend’s with someone who makes it obvious that you rn’t their thing.

You keep mentioning “the group… the group…” Why can’t you just be friends with the others, meet 1-1, or with a couple or with all of them without her. This isn’t a work colleague or someone you HAVE to come into contact with. It’s a friendship group, not a mandate. I prefer 1-1 friendships or smaller groups. It means I actually socialise with people who like me and all like each other. I’m not going to waste my free time on people I don’t like/don’t like me.

Good grief, what a lot of negative effort to go to for someone you dislike!

You say you used to bend into pretzels for people but this campaign to take her down a peg or two and apparently teach her a lesson is going to just as much effort as your pretzel bending was!

Hating on someone takes far more energy than indifference does and the best revenge is living an amazing life and not allowing twats like this woman to drag you down into plotting stupid juvenile revenge plans.

I agree with the others who say Fuck Her! Don’t invite her to anything you organise if she hasn’t even got the manners to respond to you. If someone else in the group invites her that’s up to them and I’m sure you wouldn’t mind. Just disengage.

I have this right now with a colleague, OP. We're a close department and have a lot of fun together. But there's one woman who absolutely does not want to know me. It's only her who has a problem with me, no one else, and she and I have never had a cross word. She just seems to have an allergy to me. 🤭 On occasion, I've come across this before. Someone with whom I've never had a cross word just acting around me the way you might around a bag of anthrax. 🤣 One thing I know for sure is that if you've done nothing wrong, and it's not like you have far-right outlandish views or something, then it's entirely their issue. Probably something about you makes them feel inadequate.

I'm actually a nice loving woman but yes occasionally someone dislikes me, as I occasionally dislike someone. The difference is I just leave that person alone. If someone shit talks me, makes rude comments, intentionally puts me in a bad spot etc yes I do work towards reflecting that back to them.

Aging has its good points and one of them is not fucking caring anymore and opting to punish those who actively work against me or another person w/o good reason. Lessons can be taught-I just attended the funeral of a man who once treated me poorly until the day I told him to fuck off, he was very rude to me and me alone. The next day he approached me to say hello and ask how I was and he never shit on me again. That was 30 years ago, he attended my wedding and we kept in contact all these years. So people can change but not w/o a nudge.

I've never waged a campaign against anyone who didn't mistreat me multiple times and I'd suggest that says something about that person more than me, I'm happy to live and let live but don't abuse me or you'll learn I'm not a pushover.

I've had this. It was really odd because I liked her because we were similar and she seemed to dislike me because we were similar.

I asked our shared line manager what her problem with me was and he said he didn't know but I didn't believe him!

If someone doesn't like you very much and you are visibly making an effort to change that, you will just make it worse. You may care very much, but make it look like you don't care and that you value yourself too much to stress about people like her. Be courteous but nothing more.

Put your effort into people who do value your friendship because firstly, life is too short to try to win over the rest, and secondly, that might cause her to revisit her attitude.

I agree @ChiliFiend , life's too short for all that effort!

If someone doesn't seem to like me or is condescending/patronizing towards me, I'm polite to them but make absolutely no effort. So, if we see each other at a party, for example, I'll smile, say hello, and then talk to someone else. I wouldn't invite them to anything either.

It works a treat, because they're taken aback that I have no interest in them (these types of people tend to think they're special for some reason :-). Often the result is that they're nicer to me!

People can dislike you without a reason- you have to just roll with that, I'm afraid.