I get the vibe she doesn’t like me and I can’t work out why

[ValleyClouds]

I have a friend “Sarah” who is very outgoing and organises a lot of group nights out. I have slowly become an established member of The Group.

Another member, Cleo, appears not to like me. At one event I was with just Sarah and Cleo and we were organising payment for drinks and Cleo very pointedly said “YOU’RE my friend” to Sarah, as if to say “ and YOU’RE not”

Additionally, I’ve organised a couple of things, and Cleo has very pointedly ignored me in the group chat for one thing and sent word to decline via Sarah for the other one

I have tried making inroads with Cleo and invited her out 1:1 - I was completely rebuffed not even a rain check.

I know you can’t be liked by everyone but I can’t see a real reason. I have got a disability and have wondered if she’s just decided she doesn’t have the bandwidth for a friend with additional needs but that just seems really crap.

When we are out as a group theres usually something going on so not much chat but I’ve realised we have got things in common if she gave me the chance.

any thoughts?

Yeah well fuck her, it physically pains her to see you because you stir up jealousy in her for God knows what. For the group it's obvious you've extended the olive branch now focus on the ones that do like you and invest time and energy getting closer to the nice ones in the group. You've been kind enough.

Same. It's a gut thing usually. I can dislike someone without being jealous or having any feelings I can put a name to. It's just a gut feeling about them.

You're misunderstanding me. What I'm saying is that there's no point dwelling on how someone else should deal maturely with their dislike of you by working on their own insecurity etc.

That's out of your control. All you can change is your own behaviour.

Is there any irrational neediness here? Are you happy with the don’t give a fuck approach even if the outcome is neutral or negative - or are you still wanting/needing her to like you at the end of the day? Because if you can stay
neutral / detached from how it plays out that signals strength and self confidence - if this tactic is in the relentless hope of winning her over - it’s a neediness and a weakness in you that will come back to hurt you.

Another member, Cleo, appears not to like me. At one event I was with just Sarah and Cleo and we were organising payment for drinks and Cleo very pointedly said “YOU’RE my friend” to Sarah, as if to say “ and YOU’RE not”

Answer back 'jokingly' every time.

So when she says something as childish as this say 'Are we 12? I'm getting flashbacks of school'.

Hi OP

Why do you want to be friends with someone who is nasty to a newcomer to the group for no good reason, and who says playground stuff like 'YOU'RE my friend' infront of someone to make a passive aggressive point? If you haven't done anything and have things in common, she is most likely just one of those 'I've got my friends in the group, I don't like new people joining, it changes the group dynamics' type people

@Rincoe

No, I think I’m happy now just to say Fuck it

I think it’s also a bit sad / telling that you are trying to rationalise that you have actually got things in common with her if she would only let you prove it / show her - to me that indicates a poor / needy boundary on your end to note that someone is disrespectful to you and not only do you believe you should tolerate it / fix it - but that you should also accommodate it by proving your likability/ worth. Did you have a parent that was dismissive / rejecting of you that you had to tap dance to to get attention or approval?

I just want to feel like I can relax and be myself in the group

Don’t waste any more time thinking of this woman.

Frankly, Sarah sounds like she needs to grow up too.

@Rincoe

Answered that question already, see above

The more you focus on this the more it will upset you. If she doesn’t like you, see it as her loss. Stop making effort with her if it’s not reciprocated. Be your best self and make all the others like you

Thanks @Iatethelastbiscuit

@ValleyClouds Best piece of advice I was given, is, "You don't like everyone, so don't expect everyone to like you." Stop playing the pick me dance and I suspect this woman will do a 180, but frankly not worth your time and energy. I have a friend, who hates her friends from different groups meeting up and making friends as she thinks she will be left out... it's a bit green eyed monster but we all just laugh when she does it.

OP, why do you care? You say you just want to be able to relax in the group - but you can! Just because I am friends with A and B is friends with A doesn’t mean I should be friends with B. That’s not how it works. Just enjoy the group, and live and let live. It really isn’t worth the bandwidth to stress about this person.

Thanks @LatteLady and everyone who has taken the time to comment

You mentioned a disability. Are you obviously disabled as that might be affecting how she views you.

I am in a few friend groups and have an obvious walking problem - some don't want a friendship where they have to walk slowly, could end up being asked for caring favours etc while others want your company for the use of the blue badge - I have concluded that you just need to be you and get on with it - don't give it head space

But no one is stopping you, @ValleyClouds. You just need to be at peace with the fact that not everyone is going to like that self.

And that's fine. We can't all expect universal approval, but equally, we can't reinvent ourselves to suit someone else's imagined preferences.

And mostly it wouldn't do any good anyway. I mean, if you somehow discovered that what made Cleo dislike you was your laugh (loud and annoying) and your large vocabulary (pretentious), what are you going to do? Never laugh in her presence? Restrict yourself to words of one syllable? You can't live like that.

I suppose I also find the way she’s ignored me over outings I’ve organised really uncomfortable and embarrassing and I don’t like the feeling @sesquipedalian

That’s true @DailyRitual

Yes I am obviously disabled @Wonkywalker full time wheelchair user

She could have decided she doesn’t have the bandwidth for a friend with additional needs. I know someone more an acquaintance who has hemiplegia and whilst I’m fine with it and accommodate her needs (she’s very independent), some other people haven’t been so kind or accommodating. That’s on them. She explains about her disability though when first meeting new people.

Equally not everyone will like you. I had a friend who was part of a wider friendship group, who on the surface was lovely to me, communicated to me but eventually a bit awkwardly said she no longer wanted contact with me. She said a few insulting and unnecessary things about my character though, I didn’t criticise her back or at first. She wanted to stay “friends” but I blocked her. I can’t have unstable, unpredictable and two faced people in my life.

With Cleo, I’d just see her when you’re out with Sarah and the wider group, be civil but don’t open up further. She may get closer to you in future, she may not. Don’t give her bandwidth and also don’t feel like you don’t fit into the group because of the actions of one person.

It is wise advice. From my experience with these people, stop trying. I’ve even had it where when I stop trying, they then become interested in being my friend. Some people just want you to know that they are very “exclusive” with their friends but usually, they just have their head up their own backside

Is she eight years old?! You’re my friend is hilarious. As long as she isn’t causing any drama just ignore her.

How has she ignored you? Have you tried calling her out on this? I’m sure other MNers can think of phrases along the lines of “did you mean to be so rude?” I’d never say that!