I get the vibe she doesn’t like me and I can’t work out why

[ValleyClouds]

I have a friend “Sarah” who is very outgoing and organises a lot of group nights out. I have slowly become an established member of The Group.

Another member, Cleo, appears not to like me. At one event I was with just Sarah and Cleo and we were organising payment for drinks and Cleo very pointedly said “YOU’RE my friend” to Sarah, as if to say “ and YOU’RE not”

Additionally, I’ve organised a couple of things, and Cleo has very pointedly ignored me in the group chat for one thing and sent word to decline via Sarah for the other one

I have tried making inroads with Cleo and invited her out 1:1 - I was completely rebuffed not even a rain check.

I know you can’t be liked by everyone but I can’t see a real reason. I have got a disability and have wondered if she’s just decided she doesn’t have the bandwidth for a friend with additional needs but that just seems really crap.

When we are out as a group theres usually something going on so not much chat but I’ve realised we have got things in common if she gave me the chance.

any thoughts?

She's not nice enough for you, why would you even want to get to know her better?

You can't make someone be your friend.
And nothing is as unattractive and counterproductive as trying too hard to force a friendship that isn't reciprocated.
Just think its her loss and don't give it another thought..

Not expecting to be bestest buds but would like to become at ease in her company

You are trained to try with people who are hostile - you can unlearn this.
Just choose not to think about Cleo.

But she's not nice enough to be at ease with.
You can't magic her into a nice, friendly person.

She isn't good enough for you, stop focusing on what she thinks of you - the bottom line is she's clearly a tricky customer!

So smile, be polite, don't engage.

Yes there’s probably something to that @newornotnew

Without being overly dramatic mention you how you feel & simply ask her if anything is wrong that you can address.

Not to involve Sarah, but doesn't she get tired of delivering Cleo's messages?

Surely she knows what's up?

Yes if the group was made up of 11yo girls. Saying it’s about ‘jealousy’ is one of those pathetic ways of trying to make someone feel better (along with ‘they don’t deserve you’, ‘they aren’t worth it’, ‘she’s a bitch’).

My cunty sense (like spidey sense) allows me to make an instant decision about someone. It’s not motivated by anything other than a snap reaction.

Strangely the number of people who have protested that X is really nice and I’m being unreasonable and who then come back 6 months later and concede I was right is quite interesting.

And if I’m wrong, so what? It just means I don’t connect with someone that is okay.

Only do this if you (a) don’t mind looking a bit desperate and (b) are happy to hear the answer (unlikely to be nice)

Completely agree with this. Easier said than done (for me anyway) when I was younger, it took me until probably mid-40s to reach this point. Now (mid 50s) I honestly couldn't give a toss if someone doesn't like me and certainly wouldn't put any thought into 'why'. I genuinely feel like it's their business and nothing to do with me (provided I haven't gone out of my way to be unpleasant to them of course!).

They sound like obvious reasons to dislike someone though.

I know what you mean but I’ve got no intention of bringing it up and creating a situation

Sarah hasn’t thought anything of it, I don’t think, she takes everything on face value

Then I am sorry to say that this may be your answer. I have learnt to recognise the look of horror when people think they may be stuck with me - slower at walking than a pre school child or an over 80 plus adult - and with a lurch and wobble. Whatever other attributes you have they never seem enough to overcome the fear . I think the poster who said Fuck them said it most succinctly.

Kindly - just don’t try with them. It’s not worth your effort or getting upset over when it’s rebuffed.
Things in common doesn’t override a personality clash.
I could write a reverse on this - can see positive attributes to them but for meeting in a group I really would not choose to know them & actively swerve any one on one time with them

I definitely don’t see it as her being jealous of me, @LiviaDrusillaAugustalike I said in the thread title I don’t know, I’ve taken onboard what you’ve said about it possibly being an instant dislike I’ve certainly experienced that from my own experience with people

@Wonkywalker I’ve experienced such as well but for some reason I’m not sure it’s the case here

Fair enough - it’s the polar opposite of when you meet something and instantly think ‘yep, you are my kind of person’.

Humans are weird 😬

Yes, I'd probably won't want to do that either.

My DH & I refer to these situations as to "crack someone".

Basically, it's someone you think you get on with, but you haven't "cracked" them yet. I know it sounds desperate, but it's just reserved for people that you haven't really gotten to know yet, or they haven't warmed to you yet.

Only very rarely do I try to intentionally "crack" someone, and it usually goes completely naturally as you spend more time with them. Or not. In this case, I wouldn't go out of your way - either she warms to you or not.

You really need to let go of the notion that everyone in the group must like you before you can relax and be yourself.

Her opinion of you doesn't matter a damn, it really doesn't.

I think you're thinking way too much about this. Maybe you meant to phrase it differently but so far you've posted a few things that seem to be exploring whether she would like you/ be nicer to you if she just got to know you a bit better.

If she wants to be rude to people she doesn't know well, that's a her problem.
If she has something she definitely doesn't like about you, that's also a her problem.

Yeah @WatdidusayI definitely do think we would get on well if she knew me better! I don’t think that’s too needy

Next time you organize something such as going to the cinema, just don't invite her. Sarah is your friend so invite her.

At the end of the day it's up to you and your value system. Some commenters may agree with you. I lean towards the belief this is probably an unhealthy way of thinking that leaves your feelings of acceptance by your social circle in the hands of someone who is showing they don't like you.

And yet it happens to all of us all the time, and we find a way to live with it!

There is no person in the world who is universally liked.