I get the vibe she doesn’t like me and I can’t work out why

[ValleyClouds]

I have a friend “Sarah” who is very outgoing and organises a lot of group nights out. I have slowly become an established member of The Group.

Another member, Cleo, appears not to like me. At one event I was with just Sarah and Cleo and we were organising payment for drinks and Cleo very pointedly said “YOU’RE my friend” to Sarah, as if to say “ and YOU’RE not”

Additionally, I’ve organised a couple of things, and Cleo has very pointedly ignored me in the group chat for one thing and sent word to decline via Sarah for the other one

I have tried making inroads with Cleo and invited her out 1:1 - I was completely rebuffed not even a rain check.

I know you can’t be liked by everyone but I can’t see a real reason. I have got a disability and have wondered if she’s just decided she doesn’t have the bandwidth for a friend with additional needs but that just seems really crap.

When we are out as a group theres usually something going on so not much chat but I’ve realised we have got things in common if she gave me the chance.

any thoughts?

Stop trying so hard with her. Let it go and live your life with the other people in the group.

Some people get a kick out of being "chased", it makes them feel important. So stop giving her energy and attention.

Maybe she’s just a very literal person Sarah is her friend, you are not!

Sounds like she’s a bit threatened by you, I would just ignore it sometimes people like the power trip that comes with snubbbing people.

I also think you need to ask yourself - do you like her? Or do you want her to like you?

You also never know what’s going on in people’s lives- maybe she doesn’t have the ‘bandwidth’ for a new friend? Whatever the reason I would stop making an effort with her.

She sounds so vile! Can you talk to your other friend about it? Cos I get what you mean I would find it so horribly awkward too

We have an outing tomorrow, she didn’t commit either way so I directly addressed her in the group to check if she was coming or not, no response

The other one was me organising a meal for someone’s birthday she declined via Sarah and didn’t message me at all

Honestly, she not worth pondering over.

I had the same but when I was in my 20s. I think I even said to her once, you don’t like me do you, and she confirmed she didn’t like me 😳😂 There was no logical personal reason as I was an easy going, pretty nice person. Instead of being upset though, her not liking me seemed like a compliment not an insult. It gave me a little buzz to know she wasn’t indifferent to my presence. Looking back I think it stemmed from the fact the group was made up of three work colleagues and me. One of the work colleagues was my best friend since infants school so I think she couldn’t get a handle on the dynamics of me getting absorbed into the group through my friend. The other girl in the mix had no issues with me at all.

I would not make much effort with her (give the same as you get), if she’s too much hard work to befriend.

The suggestion you call her out on it is ridiculous. How are you going to feel if she says something like ‘I just don’t like you’ or ‘x irritates me’? Whatever the answer, it’s guaranteed to have the potential to cause bad feeling in the group.

Just be grown ups about it!

Well no, it might be because you find them rude, sexist, racist, the have BO, they have an an annoying voice, they seem pompous and self regarding while also seeming extremely boring, they said something to you that was offensive..or it might just be a general vibe that you won't have much in common.

@LiviaDrusillaAugusta no plans to call her out

Some people are just cunts! Some people just don’t like someone else - maybe you said something once off the cuff that she disliked. Maybe she was born an arsehole. Maybe she fancies you and has to deny her feelings. It doesn’t matter because she’s rude and you don’t want to be friends.

Is there a particular reason (table reservation or the like) why you need to know in advance whether she's coming or not? I mean, if the outing, whatever it is, is definitely going ahead either way?

Bit surprised by so many responses! Didn’t expect it. I am trying to respond to all points but have other things to do

Numbers on both counts @DailyRitual

We have an outing tomorrow, she didn’t commit either way so I directly addressed her in the group to check if she was coming or not, no response

Then dont address her in future! arrange an outing, ask who can make it, if she doesnt reply then fuck her, she can stay at home cant she?

I wouldnt be going out of my way to invite someone who cant even be bothered to reply to me. You say you want to relax in the group so relax about this need to constantly invite her and "make" her like you.

Next time she doesnt respond to an invite,- leave her to it! I honestly think the reason you are finding it hard to relax in this group is because you feel quite pressured to include her and go out of your way to build some kind of rapport or common ground with her.

You're tried, she hasn't responded so definitely let it go now. Thats truly relaxing!

(if she doesnt respond assume she isnt going)

The thing with social groups is that people don't tend to come in a multipack of friends, however much we would like it to work that way. There's always one or two whom, if you were being honest, you wouldn't be arsed about hanging out with...and in turn, you will be that person to someone else.

She is not open to getting to know you any better it would seem. Whether she views you as a threat or simply can't take to you, I don't know.

You've made the effort, no one can say you haven't been friendly, so now stop trying. If she's gonna be a bitchbag, let her. The others will notice too.

Harsh but a fair assessment.

Just go to the outing. She doesn’t like you, it’s simple. Unless she has a go at you, just be civil. Otherwise you risk your hurt at her not liking you becoming a ‘thing’ within the group.

Oh I’m definitely going to I’m not worried about it in that sense!

It does sound quiet rude !
But if your super friendly she probs doesn't like it, she may feel threatened about her friend preferring you !

Sometimes there is reason sometimes there isn't !!

There’s a multitude of reasons someone might not like you, it can even be totally subconscious. I once took a real dislike to work colleague and I could not work out why… until it clicked, she looked and had very similar mannerisms to a girl who mercilessly bullied me as a child. Once I knew that I got over it but could never bring myself to actually be friends with her despite her efforts and the fact we had a lot in common. Pathetic I know, but my brain just couldn’t handle it. I was never rude to her but I think she knew I didn’t like her. There’s no excuse for this woman being rude though, and she definitely is being rude.

She sounds rude. She doesn’t have to like you but her behaviour is not civil. Just let her be, why would you want to be a friend with someone like that

Because op's not a robot, and being actively disliked is something most humans find upsetting

Lots of people in a big group will be part of the group because there are certain people in the group they like spending time with and will tolerate the others as part of the group in order to spend time with those whose company they truly enjoy. They have no desire to actually be friends with those other people, even if they have things in common with them. If you are part of a group then you need to accept it’s unlikely you’ll be friends with everyone in it and that there will be closer friendships existing within a larger group.

It’s interesting you saw you want to feel at home in the group and want to get on with Cleo. Maybe she used to feel at home in the group and your arrival into it has made her uncomfortable for some reason.

Sometimes there isn’t any real or big reason not to gel with someone, it just doesn’t happen. I think as adults we just have to accept we’re not always going to get on with everyone and that’s fine. No point in wasting time trying to be friends with someone you don’t like or doesn’t like you.

Maybe that’s true! @SlimShadyPinesit could have changed the dynamic in a way she doesn’t like but I am oblivious to

Ignore Cleo, OP and focus on the wider group. You don’t need to be close to her 💖