I get the vibe she doesn’t like me and I can’t work out why

[ValleyClouds]

I have a friend “Sarah” who is very outgoing and organises a lot of group nights out. I have slowly become an established member of The Group.

Another member, Cleo, appears not to like me. At one event I was with just Sarah and Cleo and we were organising payment for drinks and Cleo very pointedly said “YOU’RE my friend” to Sarah, as if to say “ and YOU’RE not”

Additionally, I’ve organised a couple of things, and Cleo has very pointedly ignored me in the group chat for one thing and sent word to decline via Sarah for the other one

I have tried making inroads with Cleo and invited her out 1:1 - I was completely rebuffed not even a rain check.

I know you can’t be liked by everyone but I can’t see a real reason. I have got a disability and have wondered if she’s just decided she doesn’t have the bandwidth for a friend with additional needs but that just seems really crap.

When we are out as a group theres usually something going on so not much chat but I’ve realised we have got things in common if she gave me the chance.

any thoughts?

Not point trying to get anyone who hasn't met you to tell you why she has taken a dislike to you. There's going to be a million and one reasons why, maybe logical, maybe illogical.

Just accept you and her are very different. Why try to figure out something that you will probably never get an answer for?!

Exactly. I start from the assumption that I’m either background noise or not liked as it’s so much easier. The friends I have are genuine and we would do anything for each other.

But kindly, unless she goes out of her way to single you out, then don’t stress about it. You will always meet people who don’t like you but most of those people pretend otherwise, smile at you and bad mouth you behind your back. At least you know with her.

Just to answer this.

I would really like to feel At Home In The Group and not like

Well This Is Nice But Someone Would Rather I Wasn’t Here

I’m going to not give a fuck from now on that was solid advice

This is true too.

Is this the first time you have encountered someone who has made it obvious she doesn’t like you?

In any group of more than say four people, there will always be someone that would rather someone else wasn’t there.

Well it sounds like she’s competing with you for your friend’s affections.

I couldn’t work out why I was struggling to bond with a colleague when I suddenly realised, after another weird conversation, that she was competing with me in the role we do. Instead of just talking with each other every conversation had some oneupmanship about it and it was exhausting. I’ve had to accept that there’s nothing I can do and the relationship will be difficult for as long as the competitive aspect of it exists. Same for you I’m afraid.

Don’t fawn over her.

Bluntly, when you're in a group of more than a few people, especially one that pre-existed your arrival in it, there will usually be someone who prefers the dynamic without you.

It's not worth worrying about. You like socialising with this group, so just see it as part of the price you pay for something generally enjoyable, just as the woman who doesn't like you probably sees dealing with your presence as the price she pays for something she generally enjoys.

No there was a guy in Uni who absolutely hated me and we had a large mutual circle but I also despised him. Think, every mutual friend we had was invited to his wedding and I wasn’t even though I was friends with the bride.

I didn’t like the feeling then of being peripheral within the group and I don’t care to repeat it.

Sometimes you won't know why in life even if she told you why it could a lie to you or herself so let it go. Some people don't like new comers to a group and very possessive of their friends. Sarah is enjoying the dynamics.

If i had to guess, jealousy. But like i said you may never know why.

See this is why I am how I am. Why are people so desperate for everyone to like them? They won’t. It may or may not be something specific that they don’t like or (in my case) they just don’t find what they value in you.

Why jealousy? That is something only ascribed to when women don’t like each other.

Some people just sense that person not being for them.

I have something really similar with a group. I've done the 'don't give a fuck' thing. Over time it's worn the Hater down because I didn't respond to the Hating and we're now mates. I've never raised with her what she disliked so much about me - I really like her, always have - she's clever and spiky and funny, clearly just didn't see anything nice in me at first I guess!

I know you can’t be liked by everyone and plenty of people dislike me I’m sure, I don’t like my own sibling !!!! but in this instance it would be preferable. The guy in uni had issues and I don’t consider myself at fault there. It’s the absolute lack of a reason that has bugged me but some comments here have been insightful

Rather than ‘wearing her down’, perhaps she did change her mind. It’s possible.

Did she really ‘hate’ you though as it seems unlikely she would have turned things around in that case.

This is what I’d like to achieve

Well, the only behaviour you can control here is your own.

One person disliking you doesn't necessarily make you peripheral to the group.

You can choose between deciding that (1) enjoying socialising with this group of people is more important than one person disliking you, and continuing to do so, dealing with any uncomfortable feelings that arise and (2) that this person's dislike makes socialising with the group too uncomfortable for you, and no longer spending time with them.

It's entirely up to you whether the benefit outweighs the drawback.

Thing is, there is a reason from her point of view. If someone were to ask me why I took an instant dislike to them it would be hard to explain. I just pick up something from them. Doesn’t mean they are bad people, just that they get on my nerves.

@DailyRitual at the moment it’s the former and I think only I’ve realised there’s some animosity there and no one else has so it hasn’t effected the group

Men can be jealous of women. Jealousy can be over anything, for example how someone always seems so happy and helpful, someone who deep down wishes they were like that starts hating them as fake and ingratiating people pleaser when it's jealousy they wish they were like them more.

Yeah he probably had a massive crush on you and seeing you was a viscerally painful reaction.

The fab thing about having AUDHD (and there aren’t many fab things) is that I can meet someone, put them in the neutral/dislike column (or very very occasionally in the ‘like’ column and get on with my life. Eliminates all the angst.

But then I am fine with people not liking me though. Saves a lot of pretence

Or they just think they are an arsehole. Why does it have to be linked with fancying someone/ being jealous? I can honestly say it has never been jealousy that has motivated my utter dislike of someone