Funniest things kids have said in class

[tryingtojokearound]

Just though nice idea to cheer people up on a friday evening!

[SquareRootOfPie]

oh boy i feel bad for the mother whose dd announced "mum's having her coil out today".

[SingingSands]

I was in teaching practice many moons ago, being assessed by my tutor and the school head. I was doing a maths lesson and the kids had their hands up to answer my question.
"Yes, Victoria, can you tell me the answer?" I picked Victoria because she was consistently good at maths, and I really wanted this observed lesson to go well.
"One of my Guinea pigs died last night miss"
There was a small stunned silence on my part.
"Oh. Oh dear Victoria, that is sad."
Looked over to see Head and Tutor trying to straighten their faces as I tactfully brought the class back round to the lesson!

[Tootssweet]

Was waiting to talk to a Y10 assembly & the Head of year was doing his mufti-day dress code speech.
HOY: Now girls I don't want to see you in really short skirts or low cut tops....
This little voice pops up from the back: I would sir!
The timing was impeccable- all the other staff scowled over at him & I burst out laughing a bit too loudly with the rest of Y10
Never did get invited back to speak to them again!

[MrsA2015]

Trying not to laugh my head off because DD just fell asleep!!! Ahh these are brilliant

[Justawaterformeplease]

History colleague talking to a Y8 class about someone born out of wedlock, asked what word we would use to describe them.
Y8 girl (totally innocently): A bastard?
Teacher? Well, yes. But can you think of maybe a posher way to say it?
Y8 girl: Oh! A barstard!

[MrsUltra]

Not me, but a friend on final training observation had carefully explained the activity (on Ancient Egypt) modelled it, elicited they understood and what the success criteria were, and finally asked if there were any questions before they started. Little girl out up her hand and said. 'Miss, do you think Fluffy is a good name for a hamster?'

[LemonRedwood]

This will out me if any of my friends or colleagues are mumsnetters.

A couple of years ago, not long after the last strike, I was doing an assembly about May Day. It was a Friday and I asked if anyone knew why they had a day off school on the upcoming Monday. Innocent-faced year 4 puts hand up and asks, "Is it because of the NUT?"

[bearleftmonkeyright]

I have told this story before on mumsnet. I had not long been a TA in a year 2 class and playtime was about starting. One of the boys ran to the window and exclaimed with glee "its snowing!! its fucking snowing!!" Bless him, he was so happy it was snowing.

[swashbucklecheer]

Primary 5 class set work on neolithic hunters. When checking one girl's story she had written "Me and Sam and Lucy were wanking in the woods". She meant walking! I couldn't keep a straight face

[MidniteScribbler]

Oh just remembered one. A was pregnant and it was a topic of some conversation among the school as I used a donor because I'm single.

Little boy: Mum said you can't be having a baby because you're not married.
Me: No I'm not, but you don't have to be married just to have a baby.
Little girl: But what about your husband?
Little boy 2: She doesn't have a husband silly. She's having Jesus.

[thelaundryfairy]

At the end of the summer term, we did a rap battle project with Year 9 students (I teach English). They made some display work about it and I lost count of the number of enthusiastic references to "raping" that appeared on the posters. Obviously, teaching spellings of words with double consonants became an immediate priority!

[TenTinyTadpoles]

Pre-school children in the home role playing area:

"No, you are the Dad so you just sit and do nothing, you can't do the ironing"

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

[jellycake]

About 18 years ago, we used to do sex ed lessons by watching a cartoon video (not any more). In the video, when the man and woman were about to get it on the view shifted to two cats on the roof of the house with their tails twisted together.
One of the children in my class came from a VERY large family (about 8 of them if I recall correctly). He said, 'my mum and dad have never had sex.' I said that they must have because they had 8 children. He was adamant that they hadn't and after more discussion he shouted out, 'they can't have had sex because we don't have a cat!'

[MrsUltra]

This lovely stuff they come out with really is the reward for the job we do. Even with secondary, sometimes I have to turn away and silently howl with laughter. They are so lovely!

[TenTinyTadpoles]

One from a teacher friend (with permission), OFSTED were in and observing the year 2 class in a small village school.

OFSTED inspector: "Do you like being taught by Miss X?"
Girl: "Yes"
OFSTED inspector: "What do you like about her lessons?"
Girl: "She gives me a cuddle at break"
Boy: "And me"

They were her twin niece and nephew.

[Jamieson90]

Year 6 PSHE lesson about anger.

C: What makes you angry sir?

Me: cold callers.

D: what's a cold caller?

Rest of class looks clueless except one boy.

M: it's when someone calls you and the person on the other end is reeaally cold!

I died

[momtothree]

Children made posters and one delightful one was titled

Willy Wankers

[bumbleclat]

I got my reception children to write caption cards for a display I was putting up.
One child wrote 'slags' (meaning slugs)
I put it up just to entertain myself really!

[seven201]

Not said to me but it does make me laugh. I have now changed the homework set for this project!

[seven201]

I was once told by a deadly serious yr 9 during sex ed that her hymen had broken last year when she accidentally landed on the top of a locker door when kicking around. It was the same lesson where we were doing the secret embarrassing questions box and I read out 'does it hurt being fingered' and I was about to answer very carefully when a normally quite quiet girl shouted out 'oh no it's nice'.

This thread is great.

[seven201]

This happened to my colleague. They were sharing good strategies for revision with her yr 9 tutor group. One girl was deadly serious and said that her dad told her that all she needed to do was go to sleep with the book under her pillow and it will work. The teacher then naughtily asked how her dad did at his GCSE's and apparently he didn't pass a single one.

[seven201]

I also had a very serious conversation with a young yr 8 girl who burst into tears in my class. In the previous lesson a friend had told her to google a particular word and she naively didn't know it was 'bad'. The filter block screen came up and she was convinced she was going to be expelled any minute. I asked her what the word was and she whispered 'dildo' and looked like she might throw up.

[PhyllisDietrichson]

This week in fact, I told-off a boy for fake fart noises, he wanted to know why I blamed him and that I needed to apologise to him

So I said

"I'm sorry you caused disruption to the learning of others", and he complained "I'd violated him"

[DanyellasDonkey]

I was hearing a group of 9 nine year olds reading a story about a dodo this week and one little boy accidentally said dildo!

I was rather alarmed that there was a smirk exchanged between 2 of the other boys. I wasn't sure if they'd just heard the word and knew it was a bit rude or heaven forbid actually knew what a dildo was!!

[MyCatHasStaff]

We'd been watching a story about a dragon slayer, with the twist that the hero had actually killed a mother dragon and left her babies orphans. The children had to write dialogue between the knight and his horse where the knight wants to just leave them but the horse lets him know he should take care of them. One boy drew a great horse with the speech bubble 'you cunt'. I nearly choked till I read the knights reply 'oh yes I can'. That horse is now legendary in our class.