Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

I’m here ❤️

Almost 2 weeks for us, and still feels incredibly raw.

Hey @Work2live I hope you're holding up OK. It's torture isn't it!

It truly is. It doesn't seem to be getting any easier yet. I just have faith that it will, in time.

Same for me too! I also have ocd so I'm massively overthinking everything! How I should have done certain things etc. Let's help each other through! I'm sat here crying now x

It is so hard @Helplessandheartbroke. I just wasn’t prepared for the pain. I knew it would be awful when the time came, but I’ve still been completely shocked by it.

Most mornings I wake up and think of him and that’s it for the day, I’m still consumed by it. Currently sat on the floor in my office at home, he used to sit here with me.

Bit scared that I’m going to be told off for this as I am a cat person, but I wanted to come on and offer some support. Whoever we lose, be it person, dog, cat, horse, it’s going to hurt and there are studies saying pet bereavement can be at least as bad as human bereavement. Let yourself feel it. You’ve done the best thing for your friend and the loss will hurt. You’ll see them out of the corner of your eye for a while. But they went to sleep peacefully with their best friend. Maybe share some pictures of you want?

I'm so sorry. My dear old dog died in 2022 and I still have moments when I miss him a lot, but the happy memories far outnumber the sad moments now.

I think it's something people who've not had a beloved dog don't understand - I think it's because dogs are trusting dependents and they're such a physical presence in our lives. I felt more grief, viscerally, than when my parents died.

@Work2live I guess we need to get used to this new normal as hard as it is! I sometimes think I can hear my dog in the morning... @CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau thank you for your kind words! @ErrolTheDragon sorry for your loss too!

I feel my grief is being hindered by the guilt and anxiety I feel and don't know how to get past that...

Keep telling yourself you did the kindest thing. Unfortunately the pain is reserved for you, but think about how much you want just to sleep when you feel exhausted, in pain or sick. You did that for a being who depended on you for kindness, and it was an awful sacrifice for you to make but you gave that little (or not so little, I don’t know if it was an Irish wolfhound!) friend the gift of a peaceful sleep. I’m so sorry that it’s you having to suffer but that’s the burden we take on with these friends. It will take a while but particularly with a dog, he probably went to sleep with adoration for you in his heart and that’s the best feeling.

Lost mine 8 months ago and still cry. It gets better but still hurts. I'm now doing the awful beating myself up with the guilt I now feel as he had a slow decline physically and cognitively and I focus on stupid moments where I would get frustrated with him.

Hugs to everyone losing a pet is horrible. Two dogs and a horse in the last 4 years have done me in

2.5 months for us.
I've gone from crying every day to having the occasional bad moment.
We've still.got our 2yr old ddog but my boy was 7 and he died suddenly from lymphoma.Diagnosed less than a week before had to be pts.
Thinking of you.

Thank you all for your support and please keep talking when you need to! I'm so sorry for your losses! I'm sat here crying again now. I reached out to a bereavement counsellor through my vets and she was great the first 2 days messaging me assuring me we did the right thing then in the last 2 weeks she's completely ignored me.... this made me really paranoid like has she seen something in his notes etc.... driving myself mad

Good wishes to all of you, though I appreciate it doesn’t help. My mother had my two beloved ponies shot (I’m not going to say PTS because they were actually shot, I realise it’s kinder for a horse) without warning me. It was bad for me not to be able to say goodbye but I know their last moments were quick, they were stuffed with treats and probably thought they were in heaven even before they actually were. Having seen a person die of cancer and a cat be put to sleep the day - literally the day - he wasn’t enjoying his life any more I’d take the animal route any time. I did my share of “please wake up” while I was sitting with the body of our dead old cat but I wouldn’t really have wanted him to wake up. There’s a part of the Nunc Dimittis that says “Lord, grant us a quiet night and a perfect end” and I think that’s one of the noblest things we can do for our pets.

Also OP hadn’t seen your latest but keep speaking here and maybe find a different bereavement counsellor.

Also it’s the compline service. Oops, sorry!

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I'm so sorry for your losses. My dog was the same as your cat. He only had 1 eye and literally lost his sight in that eye on that day. He was 7 stone and was in pain with the gloucoma it was so sudden. He was due his Xmas bath and ears cleaned etc that day and it haunts me we never got to do it for him. It's so hard. My ocd has taken over wondering why thus counsellor has ignored me...

Oh, bless him. But you found the courage to get his pain taken away. One of the hardest memories from my vet student work experience (yes I changed from vet to law in case a certain fellow MN user is going to chase me down on here too) was seeing a horse hobbling lame on the foreleg - horses bear 60% of their weight on the foreleg so it’s more serious. The vet I was shadowing shook her head and said the owner was just being selfish at this point and then informed me that all the nerves in the affected leg had been cut. So at that point the horse hadn’t physically been able to feel pain for months but still mentally could. And it was all because the owner couldn’t say goodbye. It’s bravery when we can manage it.

Re the counsellor, I also know the OCD feeling and I would recommend getting another one not just to help you with the immediate issue but maybe even to help you with the other counsellor behaving at the very least unprofessionally? Fine if you don’t want to but it often takes a few tries to find someone suitable and I promise it’s not you. They have personal and busy professional lives and it is definitely that you are not worth their time. Find someone who is able to give you what you deserve - a listening ear. xx

Some lovely comments here, thank you for sharing about your beloved animals.

When you're deep in the throes of grief it is really helpful to hear from people who've been through it and started to come out the other side.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau wow that's a career change! Do you think I'm overthinking the counsellor?

@Work2live how are you today?

I think all of us overthink things sometimes and it’s especially difficult to avoid at times like this. So possibly a little bit but it’s totally understandable, and I think a different one might be able to help you expend mental energy more productively. And I think you’re definitely spending too much of your precious mental space thinking a random professional doesn’t like you - not judging, it’s easy to do - but you should maybe seek out someone who more obviously has the time and energy to help you through this more effectively.

My guess on the counsellor is that simply she's got more clients than her working hours can really accommodate so she prioritises the people whose pets have most recently died. But grief doesn't work to a timetable, does it.

I’m so sorry for everyone who has lost a beloved pet. I had to have my old boy PTS in October and I miss the daft old bugger every day. It was only me and him since DS went off to university and he was my little shadow.

I work from home so he was my only reason for going out some days. It’s not just losing a friend, it’s losing a whole way of life. I no longer see people I’d seen daily for the last 13 years any more. No random chats whilst our dogs played together.

Don't think I’ve ever cried this much 😔

It’s not just losing a friend, it’s losing a whole way of life.

So true. Sorry to hear about your lovely dog. Our boy was mine and DH's only dog. We also don't have children. We feel like we've lost all sense of purpose. We still get out for walks, but it's not the same at all.

May 22 here and I still miss him terribly. He fell into the role of my therapy dog of sorts. DH was his master but he was my shadow. When going through difficult times and being awake early hours, he would just sit by my side until I fell asleep and go back to his bed.

We have since got a rescue and as much as I love him (bouncing ball of energy and quite stupid) the bond isn't as deep.....yet.

@CombatBarbie it doesn’t have to be. I think trying and inevitably failing to replace a beloved companion causes both parties more pain. You can miss your old dear one and appreciate your new friend and actually if they’re different it’ll be easier.