Heartache after saying goodbye- support thread

[Helplessandheartbroke]

I'm in agony after losing our boy 2.5 weeks ago. I had another thread deleted as it was too outing but realised quickly there's many of us suffering. Anyone want to join hands?

Is anyone on tonight?

I'm here.

I know that in humans acute glaucoma can come on very quickly. My dad was my chemistry teacher when I was about 13. We were queued up outside the lab second morning period and he didn't show up - I'd no idea why, as far as I knew he'd been fine when I left the house that morning. Turned out he'd realised something was off with his vision, so he'd cycled to the GP who fortunately realised it was the onset of acute glaucoma and promptly had him in an ambulance to hospital being stuck with needles. Apparently if he'd delayed at all he could have lost his sight.

So I'm sure your vet is right, it must be pretty much impossible to detect quickly enough in animals who can't tell you there's something a bit off before it's too late. And the allergy drops wouldn't have made any difference to this either.

@ErrolTheDragon thank you so much! The vet said couldn't have been prevented etc but feel like I must blame myself! Then I've read steroids should not be given but he was on them 3 month prior but again was treating him for allergies... its just so hard to wrack my head around. Hope your dad was OK. How are you doing?

Yes, dad was ok - years of eye drops then surgery though. I've had a free eye check every year since I turned 40 because it's heritable - no sign of it and my older DBs haven't either.

8 months since I lost my darling girl, I’m just coming out of the grief and guilt fog, my god the guilt, it’s such a heavy cross to bear especially when the euthanasia didn’t go exactly how I thought it would, it’s haunted me for months and still does if I don’t distract myself, I still have to sleep listening to a podcast so my mind doesn’t revert to that awful day. Mostly now I’m generally on a more even keel and can talk about her and look at videos with smiles rather than tears but it’s taken a lot of work on my part to get to this point, luckily my husband was a great support and I would highly recommend looking on YouTube for coping with pet bereavement videos, I found them really helpful.

Sorry to hear about your lovely girl @Wantmyangelback. Completely understand the guilt, it’s overwhelming at times. Glad to hear you’re coming out the other side.

Yesterday I started to read a book about coping with pet bereavement, but I’m not sure if it’s helping me much at the moment. Might take a look at YouTube instead.

Thank you @Work2live. I did find YouTube better than books, it was more comforting watching and listening to an actual person talk about dealing with grief than words on a page, it makes you feel less alone.

@ErrolTheDragon that's good news! Thank you for your reassurance I was in bits last night. @Wantmyangelback I'm so sorry you're going through this too! Thanks for sharing advice @Work2live let me know if you find anything good on youtube

@Iheartmysmart how are you doing? Have you managed to find another way to socially interact?

@Helplessandheartbroke Thank you for asking. I did actually go for a walk yesterday lunchtime and bumped into a few dog walking friends. There was obviously the upset of telling them all what happened to my old boy but I do now have some of their mobile numbers and offers of joining them for walks whenever I like which is lovely.

I still don’t know what to do about another dog. At the moment my heart says yes and my head say no!

How are you this morning? I’m sorry you’re struggling, it’s a different type of grief isn't it. I still feel I could have done more for mine despite the vet telling me differently. He became ill on the Wednesday and was gone by Friday morning. It was so quick.

@Iheartmysmart I'm so glad you got out and spoke to people! Please take them up on their offer! Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We were offered to see a specialist 3 month prior but decided not to as meds seemed to work and he was no longer insured for his eyes. If I'd have known 3 months later he was going to lose his sight I would have credit carded thousands to save it! It is torture but I have to keep reminding myself it still may not have worked.

This is the first morning I've not cried in almost 3 weeks! I don't know why as I'm still lost. It is a different type of grief as you feel so responsible for these innocent animals that deserve everything 💔

Glad you’ve got some friends/supporters through this @Iheartmysmart.

It’s probably a bit early to even be making the decision on a new boy or girl but you’ve got the offer of playing with others’ which might help patch that empty gap a bit. And as I said upthread as well, if and when you’re ready to consider a new friend, please don’t try to replicate the old one - they could be a flying magical unicorn dog but you’ll always be comparing them to your old friend in your head. I’m seeing this atm with my mother, she went out and got another cat of the exact same breed a year after ours was PTS and she can’t comment on her without saying “but she’ll never be as good as [old cat]”. They can be as good, they just won’t be the same, they’ll be different.

Very true! Sorry forgot to comment on the new dog query. I personally have said I will never ever go through this pain again. I don't know if that's because I can't let go of the guilt though. That's not to say if you have the time and commitment and feel the need for a companion then you shouldn't. I've I've a friend who's lost many dogs over the years and has another 3 now as she can't imagine life without any. Sound advice above though I would definitely go for a different type all together for me it would be one with less health issues as watching my boy suffer through too many operations over the years was hard x

I think it’s the fact that our pets have us. We have them, but they have us and they need us, and it’s also a really pure relationship that it’s hard to replicate in humans because you give care (and love) and they reciprocate with love and happiness. In the case of most working dogs and horses they also actually enjoy doing their jobs as far as we can tell, whereas there are normally expectations of tasks or gifts or similar in human relationships. But having a being which probably has a fairly complex inner life who just loves you, even when you make mistakes, balanced with that responsibility of having to decide when they’ve had enough of it all because they can’t tell you - it’s hugely meaningful and undervalued in society. Two of the most touching experiences of my entire life were with horses (I know this is a dog thread and I’m sorry to keep invading with other species but grief is grief) and one was just at a busy makeshift stable camp where my sister’s pony, who I’d looked after for ages and developed a bond with but was there with my sister, saw me and whinnied to me. Horses don’t generally whinny if they’ve got a herd around them unless they see someone from THEIR herd in the distance. I’m so proud just from one whinny! So to have an animal probably going berserk with joy at the sight of you daily must leave a vast gap.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau grief is grief and my sister has a horse. She lost her loaned horse 2 years ago and it was heartbreaking for her. Animals do rely on us heavily which is probably why we blame ourselves when things go wrong... what animals do you have now? Sorry you may have said I'm sure you have a cat as one x

I watched Ted talk this morning (the same vet has done a couple of different ones) and found it quite comforting.

I'm still in the early stages of grief and therefore finding it hard to really find peace yet, but this is a very moving talk.

Oh gosh yes, the vets bills! He really put me through the mill with his health problems! I think I could have bought myself a small car for the amount he cost me over the years. But I don’t begrudge a penny of it.

It is too early to think about another dog, I will be content with fussing other people’s when I’m out walking for now. I know mine was irreplaceable so it’ll be a totally different breed next time. Hopefully one that isn’t quite so accident prone and expensive to run!

@Work2live thanks for sharing. I have cried today now several times! Hope you're holding up.

@Iheartmysmart gibe yourself more time to heal and if and when the times right, you'll know.

Sending hugs to everyone feeling this pain. It's hard knowing my boy could still he here, just with no eyes and I have to keep reminding myself what a horrible place he would be in. I truly hope hes in a better one now and pain free 🙏

I waited 4 years to get another dog. Different breed. But he doesn't smell like my old dog. I've accidentally called him her name a couple of times.
And I'm the least sentimental person going.
They get under your skin and into your heart don't they.

@Rowgtfc72 sorry for your loss! They most certainly do get into your heart!

When we lost our previous dog, it was sudden and unexpected (although, with hindsight there were warning signs) and I was stuck in limbo until we decided to get another - which only took a week or two of tonight and then by luck we found our last dog within another couple of weeks, a 10 month old who'd been kept for show/stud but hadn't made the grade. He was the same breed, but a very different character - tbh an easier more laid back one. We loved both dearly and despite being similar in appearance I don't think that made the second any more of a 'replacement' than if he'd been a different breed.

But when he died - I just felt done. I came back from the vets and packed up his things. I'm not sure we've absolutely decided never to have another but it's unlikely - we're 63 now, if we had another that lived as long we'd be 70 and I'm not sure if I could physically cope with carrying up and down stairs, disturbed nights etc.

There's no right or wrong answer to this, just what makes most sense at whatever stage of life you're at.

So for now we enjoy other peoples dogs when we're out (we still walk a lot) and when some stuff we're dealing with at the moment is done may consider things like BorrowMyDoggy or being Holidays4Dogs hosts.

@ErrolTheDragon I completely understand how you feel. If we do ever decide to get another, I imagine we would choose a similar breed again. We feel very strongly that we would rescue again if we get another dog, and rescues tend to be full of dogs like our precious boy, sadly.

Today has been very tough for me.

A lot of the things I've been reading/watching talk about things I just cannot comprehend or believe in, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes I wish I was a more spiritual or religious person, but that's not who I am. For me, what makes grief so painful is that I don't believe I ever will see my boy again. He isn't waiting at the rainbow bridge for me. I won't see him again someday.

I'm sorry if anyone finds this post upsetting, but I feel I have nowhere else to say it. I know we all have our own beliefs, and I hope your own beliefs bring you some comfort. I just can't relate to a lot of these books/videos, because I personally don't believe in it. I understand that people mean well, but being told he's 'always with me' brings me no comfort. Because he isn't with me anymore. And I miss him so, so much.

Yeah, I'm on the same page as you re most of that sort of stuff, @Work2live .

Though the way our dogs are still with us is in memories, photos etc. It probably helps a lot if you've got other people who loved your dog too to talk with (same sort of thing as with losing people tbh)

And if you don't have anyone IRL to share memories with, then I'm sure people will be happy for anyone to do it here.

Thanks @ErrolTheDragon - me and DH talk about him all the time. Every time something reminds us of him (which is still very often at the moment).

DH got me a Christmas card from the dog, one of those personalised ones with a beautiful picture of him on it. All our decorations are down now (actually wish I hadn't bothered with them this year), but I've kept that card up and look at it often. Sometimes it makes me smile, other times in brings tears to my eyes. I'll keep it forever.

It really stings that when DH gave me that card, the dog was still alive, but he didn't live to see Christmas. It feels like a tiny part of him is still here.