DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

In my view you are, the cat was there first, if if was we would be looking at rehoming the dog to keep the cat safe.

You've both got an animal and if the animals can't live together and you won't rehome them then you'll have to live separately 🤷🏼‍♀️ he's right that the cat shouldn't live being constantly attacked and traumatised. You have to keep them separate if you can't manage the behaviour.

You shouldn't have got a dog. Why is everyone getting a bloody dog these days? Poor cat.

The current situation sounds intolerable. You will either have to rehome your dog, or live separately.

I'm not surprised your DP is upset if you're just seeing it as natural behaviour. You need to either limit the dog to a couple of rooms and let the cat have the rest of its house back, or you need to move out.

TBH I think you are both being unreasonable. Unreasonable in that you have made 2 pets the centre of your separate worlds.
There is not room in the relationship for everything and your work/careers.
Get rid of the pets and concentrate on each other because that is what really matters. Sort out the priorities between 2 people first.

YABU. Saying you can’t do anything about it just sounds like you can’t be arsed tbh, and if I was in your DP’s position I would be pissed off. The dog clearly can’t stay on a lead all the time but it’s cruel to the cat to carry on as you are. One of the animals needs to be rehomed, or live separately.

"Just natural behaviour and nothing more I can do" says it all tbh, completely irresponsible, clueless owner jumping on the dog bandwagon.

Either get some serious training advice, immediately, or rehome the dog. If you rescued through a responsible rescue - unlikely, given your post, but we can but hope - they should have full rescue back up. They, unfortunately, see it all the time and will rehome to a suitable home willing to train the dog.

Poor cat.

Poor cat. You either need to live separately or stop this behaviour.
Stairgates
Lead if needed
Never allow the dog to chase
Teach a “look at me” so the dog looks at you and is focused on a treat whenever it sees the cat. Reward this behaviour.

@LostitwithMax have you thought about baby gates? It limits where the dog can go so the cat could get away safely

He's right

You should have trained the dog on the lead as a pup

The cat was there first and should not be scared so you should rehome the dog

If you don't want to rehome the dog you need to move out.

You could totally do more about the dogs behaviour around the cat. I'd be annoyed too, if you just said he's doing what comes naturally, when this is a new behaviour.

Work on it! Or accept that this was the straw that broke the camels back.

ಠ_ಠ

Your dog is not just chasing a cat. It’s attacking the cat. You say “if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc.” No, your partner is not going to be placated by you wringing your hands and saying “I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really,” as you did in your OP. No one is going to be impressed with that.

Of COURSE you can do something. If you and partner have “quite recently bought,” as you say, and it would be a nightmare to split, then I imagine it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than the fees that would cause to get a GREAT trainer and get them out there ASAP. If you can’t do this, then yes, you need to rehome your dog. How would you feel if, say, every time you got up from the sofa to use the loo, someone chased you halfway there and if they caught you, they PULLED OUT some of your hair?! I’m not sure if you’re having an understanding failure or a compassion failure, but I’m assuming you’re not some terrible person, OP, so you need to sort this yesterday.

Another bloody international rescue story where the dog clearly isn’t suitable for the home he’s been sent to.

I would rehome the dog, and not get another one.

Anyone who takes the view that attacking cats is just natural behaviour shouldn’t wn a dog in the first place.

The reason why these rescues are so popular is because they’re not too picky about who they rehome to, and while I will be the first to argue that UK rescues have too strict criteria, the overseas rescues have gone too far the other way in order to shift their street animal issues away from themselves.

The cat is being left being attacked in its own house. That makes the situation untenable.

Can I just say, we do have a baby gate that cuts off the kitchen and bedroom, cat can jump it and the dog obviously can’t. Cat has 3 cat trees on top, he can get away, issue is when it’s getting to those areas.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered, I’ve genuinely tried a lot and it’s a work in progress, we didn’t have any issues between them until the last month or so.

Dog has been with us for several months, I can’t believe people are so quick to just get rid, but are judging me for rehoming! With a reputable rescue (as I say, there was no issues before with him living with a cat)

So what exactly have you tried then?

@MayThe4th you're completely right.

The requirements to rescue here are excessive (must live 14 miles from a main road, with 7 acres of fully enclosed fields and someone who is at home 24 hours a day 🙄) but some of the foreign rescues are a disgrace, handing out dogs with serious issues to anyone.

One really responsible rescue who do properly vet their dogs and owners is Pererra. They're only small, but they're brilliant.

Sorry your excuse is crap! This is so easy to fix too!

keep dog on a long lead indoors and then train it not to chase cat, I had to do this with our Doberman pup with our cats - all part of dog and cat owning.

no wonder dp is furious with your response, ffs - train the dog!

So I’m supposed to leave the dog on a lead the whole time? For the cat who probably comes into an area he is maybe twice a day? That seems really unfair on a 10 month old puppy who wants to be in and out of the garden, running and playing with toys, etc.

You are incredibly unreasonable. I love dogs, have 2 myself - but this poor cat should not be living in fear and being chased and having it’s fur pulled out ffs! There is A LOT more you can do and you sound incredibly lazy. Get a behaviourist in if you don’t know/can’t be arsed to train the dog yourself. Stair gates as others have suggested. If you cba to actually make the effort required to be a decent dog owner then living separately might be best.

I wrote in my OP what I’ve been trying/working on… leave it command/look at me/place and settle, etc. for when cat is around, but that’s not going to be a quick fix, when he’s still very much developing impulse control

rehome the dog!

And the reason I say it feels nothing can be done at this stage is because plenty of dogs are known to not be suitable with cats, but obviously as ours was so young, it’s only just come about now

I would close off half the house for cat, and look at some intensive dog training. You need to sort this out and train the dog together. It’s not his cat your dog, they are both of your pets. But if you can’t train the dog I would rehome it. Also if DP isn’t helping and threatening to leave you I think you should rehome him too.

People are so quick to call rehoming the dog… to what, the countless homes lined up for dogs? Is MN clearly more a cat loving place?