DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

I don't agree. I am actually a volunteer baviouralist with a dog rescue. I support familities adopting dogs, and assist with the transition. I have an assistance dog which I trained myself and meets the highest standards; and who is one of the fittest dogs you will ever see. He also helps at the charity with dogs that are especially nervous / anxious as he has a terrific temperament.

I don't qualify for a rescue dog from the charity that I volunteer with!

The problem that many rescues have is that they have preconceived and immutable criteria for adoption - a one-size fits all approach that simply never takes account of individual circumstances, experience or abilities. Rescues need to be more nuanced. It should be more balanced - to be honest a see more than a few reurned from "perfect" plaements not because of the dog but because the criteria said yes, but in reality it was pretty obvious that they hadn't really thought through things like who walks the dog when it's raining for five days on end.

Rescues are strict because stupid people get pets that shouldn't be allowed.

You said you've wanted a dog for years, but it doesn't sound as though you've properly prepared for having a dog. How much time have you spent with dogs? How much have you read about training, about appropriately introducing a new puppy to a resident cat, about prey drive, about the particular needs of rescue dogs, about adolescence in dogs? You seem quite baffled about all of this, e.g. you were initially shocked at the idea of a house line, which is a very standard management technique.

What do you know about your dog's early life? How did he end up in the UK rescue in the first place?

It makes perfect sense that your dog's behaviour is changing. For one thing, he's going through adolescence, a challenging time for many dogs. For another, he's probably just now feeling comfortable in your home and his true personality is starting to become more evident.

Your dog isn't a lost cause, but shrugging your shoulders and saying it's just his nature to chase cats definitely isn't the answer. You need to protect the cat and work with your dog intensively. I think you've received some good advice here, as well as some dreadful advice. Please ignore anyone telling you to spray the dog with water or to use the crate as a place of punishment or to use an e-collar. Don't do any of that. But do hire a good professional trainer. In addition, if you want to look at some online material, KikoPup has a lot of excellent videos on YouTube.

@LolaSmiles true but it’s mainly people who provided unsuitable homes in the first place that landed them there, if it’s made more difficult to obtain and breed dogs then those numbers would reduce anyway and for the better really as there seems to be more irresponsible dog owners than responsible these days

@AlwaysGinPlease absolutely my point, it should be made as inconvenient and prohibitively expensive as possible with many hoops to jump through. The current situation is just diabolical any Tom dick or Harry can breed as much as they want, any idiot can buy a dog whether they can care for them or not then can’t be bothered with the upkeep. I don’t have a dog because we work every day, are out of the house for long periods of time, I haven't got the time to train or walk a dog, I don’t want to pick up animal faeces and I like my house a certain way and I like to just be able to go out or on holiday without having to plan what happens to a pet

That is being responsible

Please ignore anyone telling you to spray the dog with water or to use the crate as a place of punishment or to use an e-collar.

Agree with all of this.

Spraying a dog with water makes them worse. An e-collar is cruel. I did suggest the use of a crate, but only as a 5 minute "time-out" to give the dog a chance to calm down if he became over-excited. Crates should never be a punishment, but are useful to stop dogs from destroying things/ hurting themselves if there is no-one in the house, and for a quiet place for the dog to retreat to if he wants a bit of peace from the household. Dogs should NEVER be locked in crates for long periods.

I suspect that this pup is feeling his hormones, testing boundaries, has a strong prey drive, hasn't been properly trained and is under-exercised and under-occupied mentally.

@LostitwithMax hey op, I started reading your post on aibu but see it's been moved here, which I was going to suggest! Tbh I think I'd start a completely fresh post with a new title in the dog house section, and then hopefully you'll just get the helpful advice you want, focused just on the issue you need help with. Your post wasn't just a horrible pile on, it also turned into a debate about rescues.

I echo what others have said about finding a behavioural trainer who can come to your home and work with you. We had a few sessions with one when our dog was a puppy, as the puppy training classes we took her to obviously were basic training not to do with individual issues we were having at home. I asked for recommendations on local Fb groups, did some research online and found a great lady who really helped us. You do need to be up for putting in a lot of constant hard work with the training plan, and know these things take time. It needs to be up to date positive reinforcement training methods too, not the old fashioned punishment / fear based methods or human is the dominant pack leader old style that is so harmful to dogs.

Also please don't worry about using a training lead / long lead indoors for periods when the cat's around, loads of us have used them in the early days as part of training, often recommend by trainers. They're not cruel unless used in a cruel way, they're just a training tool. Also crate time for your dog and the cat can venture downstairs, maybe give him a filled kong while he's in there, or if he's got overexcited and overstimulated then it's just time to chill and calm down in there. He's still a puppy, although confusingly also now a teenager due to adolescent hormones! We were told the adolescent stage was the hardest, so were prepared, but it was still hard and we had to put a lot of work training her out of certain behaviour. Our dog still humps cushions when she gets overexcited btw, females do it too, even after neutering, the vet said its often nothing to do with sexual behaviour and they're just too overstimulated!

I have an elderly cat and a working terrier puppy. They are separated at all times unless we are training. We’re experienced with multiple cats and dogs. Pup will grow up but needs not to get into the habit of chasing the cat. It’s fun and more rewarding than anything you can give them.

Because our pup has never been allowed to bother the cat she’s now learning that he’s boring.

Total separation and get some help. We use engage disengage training. The pup has to WANT to leave the cat alone because they are boring.

This with spades on!!!

OP, your dog is NOT trained. Stop being a limp lettuce and accept that your dog is not bloody trained. Puppy training classes are NOT training (and people who know anything about dogs accepts that and trains their dog themselves!) and if your dog has ‘impulse control’ then it is not trained and your dog trainer is just as bloody irresponsible as you.

100% agree with PP, if I was your DP I’d get rid of you and the damn dog. You’re irresponsible and clearly give zero fucks about anything except your dog.

That poor poor cat.

I’m an agility trainer of 14 years. Qualified behaviourist. Turned down for multiple dogs over two years. Variety of reasons. Work (one of us from home), cat, small garden etc etc.

We bought a well bred pup in the end. I agree there needs to be more balance but rescue has changed a lot in the 20 years since we adopted out last dog.

Precisely!!

and OP’s response of ”for a cat” is extremely telling as well.

the dog does not have more right to a comfortable and safe living space than the the cat. But OP doesn’t seem to thinks so…

As for this comment:

I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue

if OP genuinely believes that this is natural... Why did she ever get a dog?? Unless she accepted that the cat might be harmed and felt that this was an acceptable “sacrifice”?

that’s genuinely disgusting. Poor cat. Poor dog. Poor partner.

Don’t be so silly. I posted a long response about how the OP should proceed, including the importance of making sure the cat is safe, before responding to poster about their bizarre idea that a relationship is innately more important than a pet.

It is very easy to keep an aggressive dog in a house with cats and keep them separate if you have the space, the will and the means to invest in dog gates / proofing. I’ve had to do it in the past, it’s not ideal, but it can be done.

There is absolutely no way I’d be willing to risk it with my cat. He is a member of my family and I adore him. Just not a chance I’d ever take and the OPs partner likely feels the same.

That’s the point - your cat. Not the OP’s cat - she would be mad to put the dog she wants down for her partner’s cat, if, as she says, she would rather have the dog than the partner. She would be better to separate now and the posters advising her to put the dog down to focus on her relationship are just projecting their own feelings about the relative importance of pets and relationships onto the situation.

The partner is, of course, entitled to make whatever decision they feel necessary to safeguard the cat in the interim, or at any point. Morally, the OP should also make sure that the dog is never again allowed to be a risk to the cat - but that isn’t necessarily putting it down.

I never mentioned putting the dog down, what are you on about?
Rehome, to a cat free home-absolutely. Split up with her partner, sure, if that’s what it takes.

You quoted me, and the quote history relates to suggestions to put the dog down. It’s repeatedly mentioned on the thread. I don’t particularly care whether you’ve mentioned it or not, it’s relevant in the context of the thread. What are on about, if you’re not responding to the quote you’ve chosen to reply to?

If I was your partner I'd be rehoming you and your dog.

I was very OBVIOUSLY responding to the part of your reply that said it’s easy to keep a vicious dog away from a cat.

But the OP claims she has already tried all that. And her DP didn't say that she has to get rid of the dog. Just that she has to restrain it, at least by keeping it on a lead all day. Which she refuses.

Also how is a relationship being more important than a pet, bizarre? Of course it depends on the situation! In this case cat was here first. So was the relationship. The dog is new.

OP is serious enough with this guy to have bought a house with him -and she wants to throw all of that away for a dog?

Good luck in a plunging market. If she (and you) are one of those people happy to lose vast sums of money for an animal fine but as much as I love my cat I wouldn't do that. And I wouldn't put my human partner over a pet.

You need to get control of the dog and get it trained properly. The cat is being traumatized, which can cause stress and stress in a cat can kill it.

"I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really" - this comment tells me you can't be bothered... lots of cats & dogs grow up and live together happily but maybe the dog now thinks it's the Alpha.?

That's dangerous, not jsut for the cat but for humans and any little kids/babies that may visit your home which it may see as 'toys'.. like the cat

It needs to be taught you and BF are the Alpha's and it does what you say... get it trained properly, be firm and do NOT let it touch the cat at all... if that means using a lead when kitty is around, train it that way and no treats when it tries to be aggressive with kitty.... treats and 'good boy' when it ignores kitty passing by... teach it and do it ASAP

I suggested a crate if they were in the same room. Not as a punishment but just to keep them apart, safe and to avoid the situation escalating. And only for a short time.

OP, this was awful to read. YABVU.

Imagine if you lived with a wolf who kept chasing and trying to kill you: not only is there a real risk that you might lose your life, you're being terrorized and traumatized on a daily basis.

No wonder your cat is spending her life cowering in one bedroom. Cats are territorial and their home range is supposed to be their safe space. It is causing her unimaginable stress to have nowhere safe at all.

Getting this dog was a massive mistake. However, I don't think it was your fault, there is a trend in the dog world to ignore the fact that breed characteristics are genetic and innate. Rescues have a vested interest in believing this, because they want to pretend to prospective adopters that undesirable behaviour is fixable with training, but sometimes it's just not.

The rescue should have known that you can't fully predict adult dog behaviour based on early puppy behaviour, and should have known that any terrier mix would have a likelihood of growing up to be unsuitable for living with a cat. So in contrast to a lot of people on this thread, I don't think the act of adopting a rescue, or adopting this particular dog, was your fault at all. You were misinformed by the rescue. I do actually think you'd done enough research, it's not reasonable to expect newbie owners to be dog experts. You were relying on the rescue to advise, and you followed advice.

However, your actions after the dog started trying to kill your cat are inexcusable. You are behaving very callously towards your cat. Her life is at risk every single day and you don't care, all you care about is being - rightfully - told off by people on this thread for your cruelty, and not upsetting Diddums by putting him on a lead. He's literally trying to slaughter your cat! Whatever inconvenience he might face by being on a lead does not compare to the threat of being ripped apart limb from limb.

The moment he first hunted your cat, you should have done everything to prevent his access to her. He should NEVER have been permitted to chase her again. You should put up cat shelves so she has high walkways inaccessible to him, and you should grant her the whole upstairs to herself. When you feed her, you should put him in his crate.

You should be aware that some behaviours cannot be trained out of dogs. Prey drive is often unfixable.

Even if you can fix this, the psychological damage has been done to your cat. She will likely never feel safe in her own home as long as he is present. You've left it too late and it's cruel and selfish to force her to live with him.

Rehome one of them, or live separately from your partner.

I don’t believe the OP has sought one to one help from a behaviourist regarding the behaviour with the cat, from their responses on this thread. They absolutely have not extensively tried to fix the issue, which they claim has occurred relatively recently.

It’s bizarre that you think that your belief that a relationship is more important than a dog supersedes the OP’s choice - if the OP wants to ditch a relationship for the dog, sell the house, whatever, she’s entitled to do it. You don’t have to agree with her, you don’t have to like it, but it’s her life. It doesn’t matter what you (or I) would do - if the OP is more committed to the dog than the partner, that’s her choice.

I’m basing that on the OP’s previous posts saying she would leave before rehoming the dog - not my opinions on any of her actions.

Change became apparent when the dog reached adulthood. If it’s a terrier breed that’s when the prey instinct will kick in big time.

The dog can get the cat, if he wanted to it would be dead already. Doesn't make it OK but it's important.

What utter nonsense. If the dog is a Podenco, or even part terrier it will be nearly impossible to train the prey drive out of him. This isn’t ’new behaviour’ it’s the natural assertion of the prey drive as the dog reaches adulthood. And trust me, if this is allowed to continue, it’s only a matter of time before the cat ends up dead, because that is ultimately what the dog wants. He’s practising for it by chasing it and so far he’s only been able to get a hold of chunks of fur. There will come a time when it will be limbs and internal organs if this isn’t sorted out pretty quickly - so no, it doesn’t need more time, it needs action now to protect the cat from a predator intent in killing it.