DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

Having a dog on a lead indoors isnt cruel and won’t bother them. But it gives you the ability to grab it back and recall them before they can chase.

Id be setting up training scenarios so either with the cat, or better for a start with a toy on a rope etc. it’s to train them not to chase. You absolutely CAN teach this. Tonnes of videos out there how to.

Apart from the cat issue, I’ve genuinely had compliments in public about “how well trained he is” you’re judging really unfairly. I’ve put in a lot of effort with him. Reliably listens to me calling him away from other dogs/humans, he isn’t an untrained dog who I allow to do whatever. He just really struggles with birds, small animals and cats

ill look at that behaviourist link and sort out him having a room he can go in without a lead and lead him everywhere else. Can cat be allowed to enter (if I block off with baby gate) or have the door closed? After all, would be completely up to the cat then

some of you are being nasty. Thank you for the firm advice from others though

Cat shouldn't enter dogs space if he's off lead so no cat in designated room or crate or whatever you decide to use. On lead cat should be allowed to enter and as soon as you see cat you need to immediately stop what you are doing and train dog to look at you and leave it all while having it under control on the lead.

This.

I love dogs. I don't particularly like cats.
I generally dislike ultimatums unless used correctly.

Your DP is using an ultimatum correctly. It's a deal breaker for him. You need to decide do you keep the dog or do you keep your DP?

the only yanbu is his suggestion of you having a dog on a lead at all times, which is impractical nonsense.

Look, I love dogs. Not a fan of cats. But I do adore dogs.

But this is completely unfair on that cat. It’s not just annoying the cat. The dog is pulling the cats fur outs it’s bloody awful. You would have had different responses if you appear to be really that fussed. The whole ‘I can’t do anything it’s natural’ just isn’t good enough:

I would have had sympathy if you had a list of solutions and were asking your dp to support you putting these in to actions.

i gave up reading everyone else’s responses because it seems like the thread is turning into a pile on and it’s unpleasant to read.

I would suggest going on Facebook and joining the group “dog training advice and support” (the one with 364k members). It’s run by behaviourists and they saved my sanity with my second rescue dog. The idea is you read the guides they have on there and if you still need further help with the issue you can post your question. You’ll get a response from one of the behaviourists - it’s not a discussion group and other members are not allowed to chime in with their opinions. If you need more help than that they have a premium group for £20 a month where you can post whenever you like and get 1:1 help with whatever you have going on. I did that and they were amazing. My two dogs (both rescues from abroad) were just constantly play fighting and it wasn’t always good natured so we ended up having to get a room divider for a few months until they got used to each other. They tolerate each other now but they’re not really friends.

anyway I reckon you can fix this but I really would get yourself on that group and maybe don’t post on aibu it’s just full of people spoiling for a fight. Good luck!

It sounds like your mind is made up already and you won't entertain rehoming the dog. As the cat's safety cannot be assured, you should leave with your dog. Your partner is right.

Yes, you use doors and then a lead for when the cat is actually around.

I’d strongly recommend a 1-1 session with a trainer, I’m thinking you’ll need showing what to train him tbh.

Its pretty common to have no clue what rescue dogs are, especially from other countries, different common breeds and possibly many many breeds.

What? I am not at all a dog person, but I think I could make a reasonable guess at what breed a dog might be.
And if I was getting said dog, I would certainly put a bit of effort into working it out. Don't different breeds have different characteristics and needs? Is it not relevant when you get a dog to know this information, even if it has to involve some educated guesswork?

I’m just a bit worried we will never cross paths with the cat as think cat will avoid coming around when we are in communal areas on a lead, but will try

I think when people say train the dog, they’re skirting round how. Realistically, the behaviour is self rewarding and treats / distraction are not going to have any effect because nothing is as rewarding as chasing the cat. If the alternative is rehoming the poor dog to an uncertain future, or keeping him confined indefinitely to one room, you need an E-collar and a trainer who can show you how to use it.

She will eventually - you just have to do it on the cat’s time frame.

Don’t use a fucking e collar op find a trainer who uses positive methods not abusive ones

You need to train the dog - my cats and dogs lived together cheerfully for all of their lives.

I don't blame your DP - this is unfair on the cat.

If you can't train it, then🙄 rehome it.

The dog is still a baby. He just needs some really straightforward training and his hormones and excitement will be redirected. Just find a decent dog training school.

This is baby behaviour, that’s all. All puppies go through it. The cat is just bearing the brunt at the moment. Get a baby gate and separate them during the day. In the evenings, he must have his brain engaged in something (Licky mat, cerebral games looking for toys, active training) which will all tire him out and keep him away from the cat.

Also start clicker training him whereby he’s rewarded all the time he’s not doing anything for the cat, and consider, if none of that works, a squirmy water bottle to immediately deter any chasing behaviour to save the cat. And their fur.

It’s an easy fix, and there’s no excuse for not fixing it really. But it will take commitment.

That said, I never trust a ‘cat man’.

Gosh give OP a break.
I'd be beside myself if rehoming my dog was even considered. As for not knowing the breed, it's pretty standard with rescue.

OP: Give the house lead a try. If your dog's a terrier (which is likely, a dog that small often implies a terrier in the mix), you can try working on his focus by using a squeaky toy or squealing at him, it's an exciting noise for a terrier. But first, step on the lead to stop him and disengage him from the chasing process. It's long, it takes time, but it works!
I trained my 12 month old dog's recall like that. It's not bullet proof (yet) but huge progress.

Look also at clicker training, it works well with reactive dogs.

Please note that a house lead should always be used with a harness rather than a collar.

Do not use aversive methods, they're not efficient, and with terriers they can easily make things worse.
Adopt a calm a relaxed attitude as much as you can.
Sounds silly, but meditating helps me a lot in my relationship with my dog, he's a high energy terrier and he's incredibely atuned to my emotional state, it's actually uncanny. If I'm stressed or anxious, he'll be a pain in the ass, if I'm calm and happy, he'll be the same.

This is the issue I’ve faced he’s great at being responsive to high reward training for EVERYTHING but the chasing of prey… he really doesn’t care what I’m offering

Yes I personally don’t want to e collar

My dog will chase my cats but he doesn’t attack and it’s not all the time. Your dog is attacking if it’s taking fur out and that seems to be an accident waiting to happen to the cat. My dog got more aggressive before he calmed down so you need to be aware that this could get a lot worse. You need to go to training and in the meantime just let the dog have access to the kitchen and garden.

Are you a member of the Dog Training Advice and Support group on Facebook? If not, I absolutely recommend joining it and checking out their guides on this. They're all about force free training and have excellent advice- they're very strict on not posting before you've read the relevant guides but I've had so much good advice from them.

It is doable, but its not quick, and I completely get how overwhelming it feels. Working with a force free trainer for a few sessions could also help you in terms of putting a step by step plan in place. If they have experience of predation substitution, so much the better (Simone Mueller has a good book on this but it might also be a bit overwhelming for a new first time dog owner)

In the meantime, keep going with the puppy lead, the gates and trying to have a separate space for both of them. If he's on a trailing puppy lead it's much easier to grab it and move him away with something to distract him - does he have anything like a favourite squeaky toy that he only gets in that scenario?

There are lots of things you can do, but please do be prepared for it to take time. It takes a few months for rescue dogs to fully settle in, so that's possibly also coincided with his prey drive kicking in with adolescence - it's a perfect storm!

Thank you very much. He does love a squeaky ball and it’s the one thing that gets him stopping in his tracks but then ultimately still chooses the chase, will definitely try with a lead

Get baby gates on all your doors
Pay for an accredited dog trainer - and do the homework required to train your dog!
Don't let the dog upstairs so the cat has their own space

Or leave/re-home the dog. You're letting everyone down in this situation at the moment.

Ignore the cat-centric posters (Mumsnet is a total hotbed) who will call you names, tell you to get rid of your dog or suggest barbaric ‘training’ methods. They’re very much of the mindset that cats rule all. It’s weird.

Your already rescued dog does not need to be binned off, just given the sort of training that suits his terrier brain. Are balls good rewards for him, if food is no interest once in the chase?

Good luck. Please keep your dog and work with him, but also realise he’s still a baby.