DP making me pick between him or the rescue dog

[LostitwithMax]

DP and I moved in together shortly after he got a cat, so yes I did move in with him knowing he has a cat (cat is 4). He always knew I wanted a dog the moment I had a garden though and was never against it, he just admitted he will always be a cat person and his cat will probably stay favourite. He was on board during the whole process, etc. we ended up adopting a puppy that had been in foster here after living in a Spanish rescue. Lovely dog who is now 10 months and only 6kg, so very small. He used to sleep with the cat and now does nothing but chase it and if he grabs her, takes fur out, etc. he’s blaming me, saying I never did training around cats but yet there was 0 issues until this last month where I’m trying but not sure what to do. His cat now hides almost all the time but does come out when it needs food, etc. he wants me to have the dog on a lead at all times and I’ve explained that’s completely not feasible at this stage and he said I should have done that from day 1, I am not sure why he keeps going on about what I should have done when he was a younger puppy because HE WAS FINE WITH THE CAT THEN. He’s basically concluded that if I refuse to have him on a lead basically the whole time he’s in the house, he has no option but to move out. We have only just quite recently bought, so it’s going to be a nightmare. I’m not entirely sure what I can do, I’m trying to train him the leave it command (he’s fine when it’s good or things, but not so effective with the cat but I’m obviously working on it) I always try to get his engagement when he sees the cat but he doesn’t engage until he is done chasing it, etc. I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really, which is winding him up the most but then is only offering solutions that would be cruel to the rescue… AIBU or is DP?

Well maybe you should have adopted from dogs trust then - you would have had better advice on what type of dog can safely live with a cat.

I also think the “rehome it” brigade on mumsnet are a bit gung-ho. They say it as if 1)it isn’t emotionally wrenching for the owner; but 2) as if there’s thousands of lovely homes queuing up and your dog will get another new family. Your dog will be going to kennels, and spend an indeterminate amount of time there. There is a shortage of people looking to adopt in the UK as you have said.

Has it crossed your mind that the ‘rehome it brigade’ have realised that this dog is clearly a breed with a high prey drive, and that its ultimate goal is to kill the cat? And, if, as has been said numerous times before, the dog is a podenco or a terrier breed, it will be difficult to train that prey drive out of him? And is the cat not also a sentient being ? Does it deserve to have it’s home invaded and live every day in terror of being killed ?

It’s the originating in Spain part that’s worrying. The dog could have been living on the streets only able to eat what it could catch. Doesn’t bode well for the cat does it ?

YABVU OP. And cruel, your attitude is sickening.

I’d love a dog. I’ve wanted one for years and my living circumstances would be ideal. Except I have a cat who would be most distressed, and I am not such an arsehole that I would turn a blind eye to a creature being tortured daily. Which is what you are doing to the cat because you wanted a puppy.

It I were your partner I’d leave based on this ongoing display of cruelty.

@Rosscameasdoody

What utter nonsense

Other ways you could have started your reply -

'unfortunately, if the dog is a podenco'

'that might be true with other breeds'

'you might be wrong on this'

You didn't have to be agressive & rude ;)

It's not nonsense & time is what she needs WITH things in place immediately. Terrier breeds can live with cats perfectly happily but things need to be done to allow that to happen.

I've 3 dogs with very very breed specific behaviours who could pose a huge risk to a cat which we also have. So we had to (and have to cos it's still early days) manage that carefully cos as soon as the cat arrived those behaviours became very pronounced very quickly.

I'll reread my post but I'm pretty sure I didn't say 'just leave them to it, it will be fine' 🤷🏼‍♀️

(fwiw, I don't agree with importing rescue dogs but it's here & needs to be dealt with)

MayThe4th · Yesterday 06:16
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Another bloody international rescue story where the dog clearly isn’t suitable for the home he’s been sent to.
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I would rehome the dog, and not get another one.
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Anyone who takes the view that attacking cats is just natural behaviour shouldn’t wn a dog in the first place.
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The reason why these rescues are so popular is because they’re not too picky about who they rehome to, and while I will be the first to argue that UK rescues have too strict criteria, the overseas rescues have gone too far the other way in order to shift their street animal issues away from themselves

This. Poor cat’s so terrified in its home that it’s hiding all the time? You think the dog’s behaviour is normal? It really isn’t. I’d be pissed off with you as well. Rehome dog or move out.

LostitwithMax · Yesterday 06:28
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So I’m supposed to leave the dog on a lead the whole time? For the cat who probably comes into an area he is maybe twice a day? That seems really unfair on a 10 month old puppy who wants to be in and out of the garden, running and playing with toys, etc”

As does the cat, I expect, who was there first.

OP you are hard-headed to an astonishing level. The dog & cat aren't compatible. Same for you and your boyfriend. He needs to get rid of this whole situation really, before his cat dies whilst you faff on about dog. Let him move out with his cat if that's what he's decided. Some people care about animals being physically hurt, and clearly he is one of them. I doubt you'll change that.

OP moved in with him. If anyone needs to leave, it should be her.

You think she should leave the house that they bought together to move into and that she owns half of?

Yes, because she is the "agent of change" who introduced the dog, so it's for her to put right the situation she caused.

I was responding specifically to the poster who said the OP moved in with him. She didn't, they moved into a joint house together.

What do you do when dog chases cat? The reprimand should be swift and firm. I would be shouting no, dragging away by the collar and a pat (not hit) on the nose. You sound a bit ineffectual I'm afraid, can you see a proper dog trainer to learn how to manage his behaviour or it's going to get worse.

I've had dogs and cats and they totally can be together but you need to nip this in the bud. He could easily kill the cat (and probably thereafter your relationship)

Sorry but if he gets as far as taking chunks of fur you've totally been too slow to sort and be on it with supervising.

Baby gate on stairs as well so cat can have free reign upstairs

I do feel it’s just a bit of a natural behaviour and there’s nothing more I can do really

YABVU and I say that as a dog person who isn’t keen on cats. That quote above is horrendous. You literally don’t care! The cat was there first. You have to rehome dog or move out with the dog. Poor cat. You’re quite cruel.

It's clear that OP has left the thread because she doesn't like the truth bombs she was dropped.

Expect soon to see a thread "my BF broke up with me over dog, joint-owned house, help!", "my BF blames me for him rehoming cat", or a news story "dog kills cat, owner charged with animal cruelty" in a local paper somewhere.

I feel sorry, utterly devastated, for the cat. I've cuddled Dcat this morning and promised him that I will never get a dog whilst he's still alive.

When I got my very first dog, eight years ago, I booked a trainer to come to the house every week for about four or five weeks for one to one training. They are a very well regarded company locally and they also train dog trainers. When we did cat socialisation, I had two cats at the time, the technique was distraction based, none of this being on a lead in the house that has been discussed. It was purely about making the cat seem very boring because we were being far more interesting than the cat. And it definitely worked.

We got another dog two years later and did the same thing with him by ourselves. As mentioned upthread, my two dogs are now completely indifferent to any cats or other small animals. One of them is quite friendly with the two cats we now have (one is not the sane as the original ones) and the other dog, well we can tell that he naturally does not especially like cats, but he is 100% tolerant and there is no way he would ever chase or hurt a cat,

SoupDragon · Today 11:05
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MrsSkylerWhite · Today 11:02
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OP moved in with him. If anyone needs to leave, it should be her.
You think she should leave the house that they bought together to move into and that she owns half of?”

She posted “I moved in with him”. He also already had a cat in that property. So, I read that as his house. Maybe I misread (haven’t read all of the updates, tbh.)

Either way. If she won’t rehome the dog or pay for professional training., yes, she needs to move out. They sell up and go their separate ways but he remains in the place until it’s sold because she has caused the problem.

LolaSmiles true but it’s mainly people who provided unsuitable homes in the first place that landed them there, if it’s made more difficult to obtain and breed dogs then those numbers would reduce anyway and for the better really as there seems to be more irresponsible dog owners than responsible these days
I agree with you on that.

I think some rescues shoot themselves in the foot with their criteria to be honest, and sometimes wonder if they were more realistic whether it might slow the demand from breeders.

You can’t train, or socialise prey drive out of a dog but you can manage it. I know lots of high drive dogs living very successfully with cats and even prey animals but those are in homes where they’re well aware of the potential dangers of the situation and always have one eye open.

The fact this dog has escalated to the stage of grabbing the cat would deeply worry me. It’s absolute rubbish that the cat is boss or they need to sort it out. Again terrible advice. The correct advice is total separation then training. It’s actually likely that it’s still play but cats and dogs don’t play in the same way and a dog can damage a cat in play as they don’t understand each other.

This is how I train. No leads. Separation. When cat appears the treats come out. Pup is rewarded for coming to me. Now she sees the cat and comes to me. If he hangs around she’s off doing something else. They have to WANT to leave the cat alone. If we have a breakdown in management then I can call my dog away with a leave command BUT then we have to reinstate separation as she’ll just go back to him. It is most definitely working and has had the added benefit of helping her around distractions outside too 🙂

You've been really irresponsible. You're clearly an inexperienced dog owner yet you've adopted a terrier mix puppy of unknown origin to live with a cat. A cat that is now at very real risk.

You need to gate off the stairs and give the cat free rein of the top floor - move food, water, cat trees etc. so everything is upstairs and the cat can relax/feel safe.

If you really want to salvage your relationship you need to find a force free, fear free dog trainer/behaviourist and throw some money at 1-1 training. In the meantime you need to muzzle train your dog. He must never be allowed unattended access to the cat.

You created this situation and your apathy towards fixing it is astounding. You need to consider if the above doesn't work that you need a back up plan and an alternative living situation. I could never rehome a pet, but I would never have put myself in this situation either. I hope you've learnt a lesson. Whilst rescuing is admirable you should absolutely have rescued an older, cat tested dog. This was not the right dog for you and I'm amazed the rescue allowed you to have it. You need to start fixing this now - the longer you wait the less likely you are to succeed.

OP, put simply you have 3 choices.
A) Move out with the dog
B) Rehome the dog
C) Separate the animals completely until training established - whether that’s lead, crate when you’re not there. Or muzzle the dog.

I understand this hasn’t always happened but it IS happening now. A dog can easily kill a cat & the escalating behaviour e.g. fur nipping are your warning signs. It takes one split second for your dog to grab the cat and kill it. I am not surprised your DH wants to move out.

Regardless of DH’s cat your dog needs to be trained not to do this. What happens when you’re on a walk when there’s a cat for example?

Confining the dog may seem cruel but unless you’re willing to do A) or B) then it’s your only option until it’s been trained. And seek professional training seen as you’ve stated that your own training hasn’t worked.

Is the cat very timid? We have 2 cats and a puppy. The puppy is a lab so already 7.5kg. One cat generally stays away, but the other completely stands her ground and the puppy wouldn't be able to get within a foot of her before she swiped her. I do think you need to contain the puppy.

At no point did I say you were suggesting to just leave them to it. What you actually said was The dog can get the cat, if he wanted to it would be dead already. Doesn't make it OK but it's important.

That is what’s utter nonsense. The dog is an adolescent prey driven breed and it’s chasing the cat with the ultimate intention of killing it - the only reason it hasn’t is because it hasn’t had it in it’s clutches sufficiently to do more than pull fur out. It’s only a matter of time because the OP clearly has no intention of putting anything in place to restrict the dog, and doesn’t care about the cat. So the more time that’s given over to this, the more miserable the cat is going to be and the chances of it either being killed by the dog or simply leaving and finding a new home increase.