The Real Housewives of Cheshire

[rockingthelook]

Whar can I say....even more of a pantomime than I was expecting, bigger cars, tacky clothing (lauren in squeaky latex trousers!) , awful make up and more contrived stories than ever, it doesn't disappoint

Poor Ash 🤣

I have hefty legs mrs cat

I fear actual fishing nets would be ripped off me to ‘save’ the trapped dolphins

Oh dear. The obligatory shot of a topless Ash in the king sized bath. Just no.
Green nail varnish? My Nosferatu like hands would not be enhanced. I have to agree about Seema and her "health scares"

@MrsCatE

I’m pontificating on man hands too; I assume she’s gesticulating wildly whilst doing the pointy, shabby thing and babbling incoherently at herself, in the mirror.

Meanwhile, ‘Our Ashley’ I meandering about, topless, asking ‘I am allowed to put me knock off Ralph Lauren top on man hands? It ain’t half nippy and I’ve only just got out our swimming pool sized bath - you left me in there with a glass of Aldi Prosecco when the camera’s packed up and I’m wrinklier than a whippet’s bollock’

Wt actual fuck?? Just watched. God it’s shite. Lysteria gets me by the goolies; what is the effing point of ridiculous eyelashes and nails? Perhaps she’s got a Bat problem in her house and it’s an approved Natural England way to ethically trap and remove?

As for the nails . . . I can’t be the only one to ponder how she completes [errhmm] some personal ablutions.

Btw to our RHOMN - I don’t have a Cat to anymore to barge in for screen time but I’ve got a product to flog!!! MrsCatE’s insanely intense inflammatory pickle!!!

I wander what Man Hands talentless girls are up to without mother claiming they’re the next Spice Girls / Influencers / Models. I’m sure she thought the wedding of the one engaged to Mr Whippy would be paid for and televised by the TV franchise!

‘Wonder’ ffs

I’m not terribly sure which one of the influencers is a mumma now (not my term).

They’ll no doubt have a mumma blog telling all the followas how to do it best, first and fanciest - and manhands will be nostril deep in nursery furnishings for da Insta.

The mumma will be oxter deep in sharny hippens.

#eveninfluencersbabiesshite

Now mrscat what about this pickle then?

Fnarr fnarr nostril deep snort!!!

Pickle is proper Real Housewife stylie; I’m nicking their Business Model e.g. Tanya’s Aldi sourced candles. Anyone remember her pointless PA? Meant to be her Gay work husband?? Anyway, it was his job to peel Aldi labels off and stick hers on - plus ‘re-purposing’ various incense sticks, Saging bundles etc; you couldn’t get any ‘Feliawy’ around these parts for love or money a couple of years ago. Lauren’s perfume anyone? I heard the Pound Shop were approached to stock it but the cost of re-programming their tills to accept a 50p transaction outweighed any possible minuscule profit.

My Pickle - [looks around in furtive manner, taps nose, wink wink] only because it’s you; I’m stockpiling cheapest knock off Branston, mixing in some Cayenne and ‘Bob’s your Uncle’!!!

Come on RHOMN; what are you going to flog on the back of participating in a programme which requires no talent, dubious morals and an Isle of Man ban account?

‘Bank’. Arse.

Have purposely bleached brain and eyes and wasn’t going to mention but why are the repugnant Nick and Royston still lurking?

They were so much up Man Hand’s arse you would have thought they’d refuse to participate on moral grounds . . .bugger; obvious perfect candidates re no morals as mentioned previously!

Classy - not trashy. That be a fail then.

A zoom date is a connection and therefore Lumpy doesn’t want Lozzer’s sloppies? Hmmm.

Han gave a proper apology and tan said yeah but.

Whatever.

Lacklystra is sensitive? Is she aye?

And lo, we will all be best fwends because we’s all fine and we are all connecting because of seema’s chest. Everyone stay positive.

(I’m positively bored - and I know a song or twenty about lumps - don’t be pulling the drama in - it does no good. Glad it was negative. But let that be the lesson - don’t open the door to shite)

And tears and perspective and yadda yadda. 🥱

Seems seems was only upset because she knew she was unsupportive. She might be supportive in private but not in public - most have sat back and watched the piley on.

Upset that folk don’t think you are genuine? You are genuine. Genuinely unsupportive in public it would seem seem.

Tears and drama and guilting Han into leaving? Didnt stop you rubbing your bugle beaded foof against lacklystra’s hump.

Tan saying Lacklystra is always right?
Christ. Yawn.

I know I’m right. I’m tired of all but two of them.

And as for the Mr Vasey?

Looks like Tim Nice But Dim’s portrait in the attic.

Bring back MAFS Aus. Can’t even joke about this bag of shite anymore!!! The manufactured drama; it’s the very opposite!! No drama whatsoever!!

FFS, I thought Real Housewives of Jersey was the most boring of the franchises but have been proved wrong!

Thank God pointy shoulder fashion hasn’t made it around my gaff. FFS . . .

It has most definitely lost its sparkle.

I don’t like the new tan. She seems to have ramped up her inner camp gype and I’m afraid that she may be the company she keeps.

I used to love her but now I want dawnee to come back and rip her a new flue with some well chosen words and some withering sneers.

I don’t know why Lacklystra is still bothering with her shitey looks if she’s being grown up now. That doesn’t scream damaged to me. Nuh-uh.

As for the big shoulder pads? What easier way to transport the recurring ‘goyles….

One on each shoulder. Sorted. They’re that used to perching off the side of Waffle Hall, a shoulder would be a doddle.

Anyone remember her pointless PA? Meant to be her Gay work husband??

Yes. He was/is unspeakable. I spotted him in the background of Tanya’s 40th birthday party shots. He’s there in the opening party shots wearing a hat that looks a bit Blues Brothers. Not very 1920s.

Re Lauren’s perfume: I don’t believe that it ever existed. A bit like when she said that she was going to start a polo team. In the reports of her divorce case, which I followed avidly, her solicitor argued that she needed a big slice of the marital assets because she had no skills to earn a living with, and that she had attempted to launch a perfume but it had failed. Perhaps before going into production.

Effing ‘ell. We’re still too invested; WT actual F?

Anybody remember ‘Pris’ (Daryl Hannah) in ‘Blade Runner’?!

I think that’s where Lysteria gets her make-up tips from; an inverse of Pris - who uses an air brush to spray black powder to the top third of her face; Lysteria does a white ‘highlighter’ version.

Can’t blame Pris for Tarantula style eyelashes or wince inducing fake nails.

Those asking about children of Man Hands….the tabloid gods are listening….

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-9794795/Riyad-Mahrez-30-lives-yacht-bikini-clad-fianc-e-Taylor-Ward-23.html

Although I’m wondering who sent it the copy, namley “23 year Taylor looks nothing short of sensational”. To the untrained eye Taylor looks indistinguishable from any other 23 year old currently waitressing in the summer holidays but what do I know.
Not sure Taylor has done well out of it given her fiancé has just come out of a six year marriage who he has two daughters already. If I were her parents I’d be telling her to avoid becoming a step mum at 23 and find someone with the baggage.
Guess the footballers money helps makes baggage weigh less than it should.

sorry “without” baggage, obviously…

Read on and you will discover that Dawn, 47 (eh? Her age is going backwards) and Ashley, 50, also look sensational in the engagement photos. Of course!

When is she in court for her (alleged) hate crime and cocaine possession?

wombat

Supposedly in front of the beak in 2022.

I'm loving your marketing, MrsCatE and would love to purchase a crate of your pickle. Can I interest you in my range of lipgloss? I buy industrial tubs of vaseline, add swarfega and tomato ketchup and sell it in my boutique shop. Adds to my Teacher's Pension.
So Lystra and Tanya have Christianity in common? I would advise reading the New Testament for direction, because they're not following the path of Jesus in any recognisable form.
Was there any reason for Phil's absence from the fun filled party? Nursing his snip injury? Something good on the telly?

I reckon that Tanlys are following the Beano version of the good book.

As delightful as your lippy gloss sounds my friend, I’m not sure Tom sauce red is my colour!

I’m not sure what I could sell. I’ve no talent. I am in boots for 14/15 hours a day for work.

I could maybe sell very hot socks. You know. For the specialist market…

🥴

I see. We'll get in some plain brown packaging for the customers . Sadly, my offspring disappoint as influencers, not getting engaged to footballers or questionable Dubai business people. I remember the episode where both Darbeh and Tayluh got boob jobs. I thought things had sunk low then (but not their boobs, obviously)

Tell no one maireas

I could expand the empire by going into tights in winter! Nowt else but feet stuff mind - hot feet is about as filthy as I get!

I could also put in a complimentary photo of a throbbing trotter - shiny for an extra £5 - courtesy of your lip gloss.

Tomato sauce coloured shine would make it more authentic innit?

Sinking low

Was that the last in the series?
No follow up with the fella on the sofa holding court?