Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

Just to add to this…

Of course it’s normal for teens to be embarrassed by their parents and sulk. I myself was a dreadful teen. What I was not allowed to do was dictate family holidays or refuse to attend days out. I was also not allowed to be rude to my mum and dad or there were serious consequences. I was given clear and consistent boundaries. I learnt a lot of life lessons as a teen through strong parenting.

Calm down 😂

It's all about adapting. Yes, the children still need to visit their grandparents. But staying on a camp site that the might have loved when they are under 10 is potentially not suitable any more. Yes, there will be a certain amount of sitting about while the GPs exclaim about how they have grown, but there can also be some age appropriate outings or the holiday length can be reduced.

It's also much more likely you will get teen acceptance if you frame it as "the grandparents love to see you and we don't see them very often, and we will make sure we do some trips out to do more exciting things" rather than "you will go and see your grandparents because we tell you you are and I don't care how boring you find it, you will sit there and smile all week and you don't get any say in it at all". One method is more likely to help facilitate a better relationship with their GPs as well.

There is a difference between adapting and pandering to teen's selfishness and entitlement. Teens don't get to demand parental services - mom being at their call to drive them around - without doing their bit of being part of the family. And yes - to me that includes being respectful, helping around, and being part of the family in a reasonable way... of which I think an annual visit to GP is not a big ask.

No one was suggesting the kids need to sit and smile and be bored. Of course there are activities the family can do that is different now that the kids are older.
As to the staying at the campsite vs another accommodation - I presume it's a cost issue. And a campsite is perfectly versatile for kids, teens and adults - all can find a way to occupy themselves.

So painful. I think most kids and teens go on holiday w parents, don't others experience this? They aren't late teens. You said you and your ex. Do you holiday together as a family with your ex? Is that a problem for the kids, or is the caravan hol a problem with them? Can you ask them separately or don't they engage?

‘There is a difference between adapting and pandering to teen's selfishness and entitlement.’

THIS exactly! I really feel for the original poster, chased off by posters who can’t grasp basic parenting. She asked for support and got a real beating for a perfectly natural reaction to children growing up and for daring to arrange activities her children might not like.

Adapt by all means but don’t bend yourself into pretzels to accommodate your children’s every whims and whines, you will create spoilt, entitled brats!

Not everything in life goes our way, kids need to learn this.

Not all campsites. We had a touring caravan on a seasonal pitch in the middle of nowhere when our son was 4-11. He would play on the playground morning til night and love every minute. What would he do there now? Sit on his phone that has no signal? Play on the slide and swings? The Haven sites are crap for teenagers - only so many times you can go swimming or putting 2ps in a a lot machine. When you have children you know that what they love at 6 isn’t what they’re going to love at 16, so you do adapt and plan things that appeal to their interests and if you don’t then don’t be shocked when they’re bored stiff and let you know they are. It’s not being ungrateful.

I have similar aged boys (just turned 15, and 12.5), and while they love meetings up with their friends they also still really enjoy days out. We do a lot of outdoorsy stuff and go to the beach surfing all the time, and they both enjoy that with us and with their friends. In the holidays I often say they can each invite a friend along for day trips which makes it even more fun for them. They also do a lot of sports training, and are out every evening pretty much doing that so they see their friends there too, and I wonder if that means they are then happier to spend time with us as a result? Could you get your teens to invite a friend along or are the day trips things they really want to do? My boys would love the zoo but that’s because we hardly ever go. We mostly go to the beach in the summer and they are real water babies so they love any opportunity to swim / snorkel / surf, so that’s always a winner. We also often go for a run together but I just suggested that a few mins ago but neither boy is keen as they’ve both been busy all day 🤣

I wouldn’t be happy if my kids wanted to be in their rooms or on screens all the time but if they are happily engaged outside with friends or being active then I wouldn’t be too worried about them not wanting to spend a lot of time with the whole family.

I get where you're at, OP. It's a tricky adjustment when you move on from a phase that you've really enjoyed. My kids are a bit younger than yours (oldest on the cusp of 13), and things are shifting; the days out that used to be bankers aren't anymore. So I've been thinking about this a lot and also looking back to when I was a tricky teen.

I haven't read all the posts, but I agree with what others have said about adjusting expectations as to what teens will be up for/potential for silence/sulleness!, but equally not to pander to all demands. For example, I absolutely would not let my children (at the age) dictate that the family holiday would not go ahead. A PP made a good point about framing it well, though; how you express it will matter, I think.

When you are on holiday, I think it's good to give some space. When I was 13, I remember my mum saying I could get up when I wanted and the mornings were my own, but after lunch we would do something as a family, and it worked really well. We usually did caravan holidays, and I'd do stuff on site with my brother in the mornings; we'd all go out locally in the afternoon, and the evenings, we'd also have space, because we'd go to the clubhouse and hang out in the arcade while my parents had a drink.

As for the trips out, when we go away, we all say one thing that we really want to do while we're there, and then we all accept that we're going to do that together. My oldest is all about theme parks or water parks, so we make sure that happens and usually quite early on. On our last holiday, my choice was an hour-long boat trip, nothing my oldest would ever have chosen, but he sat there okay while we went about. I wouldn't say he was loving it, but he wasn't hard work either. Basically, I think you have to introduce the idea of give and take.

Lastly, I would definitely do some more stuff for yourself. I've picked up exercising properly again for the first time in years. I'm really enjoying it, and while I do miss those younger days with the kids and I haven't quite got into this new phase, it is nice to focus on me a bit more and takes the edge off when I do feel a bit sad about time marching on.

and once she has been able to leave, do you think she will return?

Surely 13 is still a child?

What happens if she can’t afford to leave your house until she’s 30? Will she still be “doing as she’s told” then? Although I suspect she absolutely won’t be living at home for that long…

do you live your life through your children? Most people by this age are happy that they have more time to do their own thing?

Yes. We have a brilliant relationship. Clear boundaries which is what children need, not snowflake parents who just let their kids run riot over everything. Which is clearly what most mumsnet contributors do.

Oh I just love the assumptions here!! One of your jobs as a parent is to provide stability. My child will be financially able to go do whatever she wishes post school. Buy a car, buy a flat, continue with education or go into the workplace. It’s called financial planning. Try it sometime!!

I love your assumption that we need to “try” financial planning and haven’t already done it😆 but you still didn’t answer my question about whether your child will be “doing as they’re told” as an adult 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was a teen in the 90s and my parents were very typical- they had no idea where I was or who I was with most of them time. We were completely left to our own devices and there were no mobile phones.

My parents went to work and made sure food and bus fares/a bike were available. We were expected to make our own arrangements and take ourselves off with friends, to the pool or library or a park etc.

I think parents of current teens are far more engaged than parents of yesteryear. I spend far more time with my teens that my parents did with me. I offer more lifts and way more entertainment/activity provision too.

Expecting a actual child to go on holiday is selfish? Are you joking? Up until I was 16 and my children were they were told where we were going on holiday ad we were paying and they had to come. I’ve heard it all now

Op I feel you, it’s such a big change and transition and comes so quickly although at they ages my children would have had no choice to come. All I can say is hold out as they come back, my daughter is my best friend now and we do loads together x

Me too, I didn’t think it was an option to say no at that age, I just accepted it and made the most of it

This is completely normal OP.

Could you look at different holidays now they are older?

I don't know which teens you know of or have heard of who love to hang out with their parents but I have a 12 and 14 year old - and since about year 7 my 14 year old would rather die than be seen in town with me.

I don't even think my quite shy and clingy 12 year old would do pottery in town with me - sorry I know it hurts.

It is a huge adjustment! I don't always find it easy to plan holidays now - but I generally work on the assumption the 14 year old would only agree to anyhthing out of town where nobovy would see him and it has to be fun for him.

A largely unsaid aspect is whether parents have the money to do the aspirational stuff their teens want to do, and what the options are if they don’t. Lots of the suggestions on this thread are stuff I’d class as expensive.

I was talking to a work acquaintance recently who had been away abroad for a week with just her older teenage DC. It sounded idyllic - gorgeous hotel on a Greek island, lots of lazing by the pool, some culture and some activities. No worrying about the cost of dinner etc. But she and her DH are very high earners, and that kind of holiday is going to cost a fair bit.

Similarly, I’m a member of an expensive gym / fitness club, and I’ve noticed one couple bring their two older teen boys in the school holidays and do PT sessions with them. Membership is a few hundred pounds a month per person, so even with a family discount it’s going to cost a lot.

This thread has touched a nerve with me, as I’d have loved to do some of the stuff mentioned on this thread when I was a teen, but my DPs couldn’t afford it and so it wasn’t on the table. I think trying to cultivate shared Netflix interests etc though would be something I’d have appreciated, if it had been around in the early noughties!

You cut your cloth accordingly though. OP mentioned £60 for a pottery session and activities like going to zoos, so she's clearly not short of money.

Doing the "aspirational" things with teens is not different to doing them with young children - a theme park is not an every week activity; it's maybe once a year with discount vouchers.

DD and I used to spend a lot of time wandering round charity shops on the hunt for bargains when she was a teen -costs virtually nothing. Or we'd go on a cycle ride where we'd stop for an icecream (which was a treat for us). Or, like you suggest, we'd have film night with popcorn. Or board game night.

Teens from non-affluent backgrounds aren't spending loads of money when they are out and about with their friends either because they don't have loads of money to spend - they are sitting out in parks chatting (non dodgy parks, in the day) or going round to each others houses and experimenting with makeup and clothes or playing football or basketball outside.

Yeah, fair enough @redskyAtNigh. I think in my case it was tricky as my teenage school friends were mostly from families with more money than mine, as my family lived on the outskirts of an affluent area. It would have felt different if we’d all been in a similar boat financially.

@katepilar it's always been normal. In fact given kids have far less freedom now than for the whole of human history before them id say kids grow up and mature later now .

We have a crisis of dependence in our yoing people hardly the other way round.

Generations back 14 year olds would have been at work or at the very least roaming with mates all day. Absolutely nothing debelopmentally unusual about teens growing up !