Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

Why do pp think pottery painting is for kids? My dd goes every couple of years with her friends and they are all mid to late thirties.
They've made some lovely things and it's not cheap.

You are right. It shouldn’t have to stop entirely.

Holidays can be a balance of time either friends, time alone, time with family, structured and unstructured.

Your daughter’s behaviour today was entitled, ungrateful and rude. She will come crawling back when something bad happens one day and she realises the one person who always has her back is you. See how ‘embarrassing’ you are then.

Of course it's not for kids. But doing it with your mum when you are a young teen is going to feel babyish. I expect the teen would be quite happy to do it with her friends. And probably quite happy to do it with her mum again when she is mid to late thirties like your DD.

The only thing I can get my teens to tolerate is Thorpe Park. Pottery and caravan in Wales sounds utterly lame for teens. Just leave them to it, they are not children anymore!

I wonder if you have had any good suggestions from the 7 pages on here...

My kids are 21, 19 and 17.. and we still holiday together ... I also have school holidays off and love being with them.. . We do mini adventures together and we write joint wish lists for the holidays .. sometimes I tell them where we are going rather than asking. I love a road trip, with visits to random places, a hike, a wild swim, poke round charity shops or junk yards, simply camping, free concerts.. I also enjoy building their wishes in to the trips, holidays etc. Yours might be too young but I also help them find neighbourhood jobs so they have some money to spend on outings with friends, shopping etc. I am clear that some of these are my wishes and I am asking them to help me fill my wish list too. We play card games and board games.. and not all of them enjoy all of the activities that I want to do but I try to build a bit of everyone's wishes into the holidays. My youngest is stuck with me a bit more... and he and I don't necessarily have the same interests but we compromise and I know it won't be long before I will be holidaying alone, so we do things he likes..

There’s quite a big difference between an adult choosing to go with her friends and a teenage girl getting dragged there by her mum

Same with me. We do holidays with our teenagers and they love it. Never had miserable faces, never have they indicated they don’t want to do it. We do, however, involve them with all holiday planning and we all do things we want to do.

mine would have a go at pottery painting. We’d make a competition out of it tbh.

They come back. Give it a couple of years and it will be like old times.

Omg I can’t wait for this stage of my life so I can do all my hobbies again whenever I like! Enjoy it OP! Don’t you remember being a teen and how embarrassing your parents were? Let them do their own thing, check in with them at mealtimes, let them know you’re there if needed but crack on with having your own fun!

To me - there are two different issues here.
It's understandable that they may want to spend more time with own friends and not want to do much with you as "days out".
But - it's not acceptable, IMHO - to say they don't want to come visit grandparents during some part of the holiday. GP are family, and by refusing to go - they are preventing you from seeing your parents. Presumably you can't go away on your own, leaving them at home alone.

I get teens being teens. What I do not agree with is letting them be completely selfish while expecting parents to be their servants - cook, clean, ferry them around.... This is how we end up with entitled spoiled young adults.

Personally - I'd be telling the kids that the usual visit to GP is happening, or their car service shuts down. I'd also be reminding them of the fact that they are part of a family and have responsibilities....

You need to let go

I was speaking to the pp who said pottery painting is for kids. I have said previously op should go on holiday by herself and leave the kids with their dad. They are being selfish.

So stop being completely available for them.
They are old enough to use public transport and be told ‘sorry you don’t get to be rude to me about spending time together yet expect me to be at your beck and call’. Give lifts when it suits you and see this as your time to reclaim your life.

Do you not see the difference between a group of adults choosing to do something and a teen being dragged to it by their mum?

I am in my 70's, it was normal when I was a child.

We've got through without this happening, I have always worked PT so they have had plenty of time to themselves in the holidays and DH and I both have hobbies outside the home and socialise separately as well as together. Actual holidays have changed to city breaks, days out to attending sports events, cinema, festivals, theatre (kids week), giving lifts to the city for shopping, joint activities (sports club), going out for coffee, or breakfast in Spoons.

I think parents have to adapt as dc's get older . Most teens don't want to spend the day doing things they did as younger children.
I also miss the days out we used to have, but dc simply outgrew a lot of things. We do the stuff they are still interested in, shopping trip, out for a meal, cinema, bike rides etc. Even things like going out on the road with them when they are at the age of learning to drive is all quality time.
So I think adapting to their ages is necessary.

I have children the same age plus a 11 year old.

i love when we are all together and ii would not put up with being told im embarrassing that is very rude and not acceptable.

however all our dwts out are absolutely based around what they want to do, I wouldn’t even suggest a zoo! Cinema, shopping , going fir lunch, beach.

and my teens (and I) would hate a holiday in a caravan in wales!

if you want to spend time with them, you MUST do what they want, and not what you want them to do-otherwise they will be miserable!

My teen son likes to play pool / snooker with us on occasion, shopping trips are still normally a winner if it’s something for him, getting stuck into a good box set together we both enjoy and cooking. I find shorter activities work best rather than a big day out and making sure they have plenty of down time. As others have said, enjoy the time with your partner doing what you like to do.

No wonder @Newstart02839 has disappeared, some of these responses are hard.

I have teens and of course we adapt to their interests and passions. But I can completely empathise with grieving the time I had with my little ones when the world was so shiny and new and exciting.

I’m afraid I have zero time for rudeness and entitlement from mine, even if they found an activity boring. Life doesn’t always offer you sunshine and rainbows, kids need to learn that and enjoy moments they have. And her daughter acted like a spoilt unpleasant brat, amazed that posters are making excuses for her. And teens do not get to dictate holiday time and/or with grandparents. Family is important.

I am a teacher and I see the rudeness and entitlement that comes from allowing preteens and teens to do what they want when they want and not exerting some boundaries. They are still children.

I’m going to disagree with the usual mumsnet bs response of “it’s normal”, “you are embarrassing them” etc etc. it is NOT normal for children (and yes, 13 and 15 are still children!) to behave like this and be so rude to their parents. I suggest you give them choices, but make sure both those choices are ok for you. For example with the caravan holiday, tell them they go to the caravan OR they spend the week doing at home activities with you.

im sick fed up of parents like those in mumsnet normalising entitled brattish behaviour. Good luck OP!

Bang on! Totally agree! My child will do as she’s told until she leaves my house. It’s no wonder society is going to hell in a handcart reading some mumsnetter opinions

Absolutely not! By only doing what THEY want to do, you are teaching them no resilience. You are giving in and letting them take control. That’s awful advice

I'm 62 and remember ruining some family holidays due to massive sulking as a teen. I might have to come but I don't have to enjoy it 😂. So I just laugh at my own teen now and don't take it very seriously

For gods sake how many times? I was replying to pp saying pottery painting was for little kids not advocating this particular teen should do it.