Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

Ah, I feel for you! I have a 14 and 11
year old and I am clinging on to what’s probably the last year of the younger one still being keen to do things.

what I would say Is try to find ‘one thing’ with each that you both enjoy and like (even if it costs) and make that a thing you do with that one DC. With my eldest it’s theatre. I can’t afford it all the time but we go maybe 2-3 times a year either all as a family or just her and I. She also likes cinema and one sport thing that her dad takes her to.

with my youngest it’s more shopping and standard girl stuff and we probably have more simple things like that in common so I suggest those things as I know she will usually say yes.

as a family it’s hard I agree. I also feel sad and miss the old days but I know it’s normal. On holidays we tend to make our kids do (some) stuff they don’t really want to (walks etc) but also try and make it fun for them eg a pool, good food, some activity days etc. basically a balance of what they want and some of what we want. I also tell them when they pay they can choose their own holidays (kindly!) I have stopped booking things I think we should all like eg cycle hire, kayaking as they don’t want to do it and we all
fall out! I ask them what they want to see / do and prioritise one or two things each and then the rest of the time it’s what we want (usually the free of charge ‘boring’ stuff like museums and walks).

OP, do you remember being a teenager?

Would you have wanted to hang out in a caravan in Wales with your grandparents or go pottery painting with your mum? Really?

This is exactly like my kids. 13yr old twins (M,F) and 16yr old daughter. I have no friends as my life has been basically working and revolving around my kids. Now I'm no longer able to work due to health. My DD13 who was attached to me at the hip, I couldn't even go to the shops without her or even a friends, her behaviour had gotten worse so I could no longer take her with me to friends. So friendships slowly dissapeard. Now they wont even be in the same room as me. And god forbid I breathe near them... but dad gets to play games with them, go out for lunch with them and I'm sat like a turd on my own. It's the worst holidays I've ever experienced. You are not alone. We just need to find something for ourselves to do.

Most teenagers would be bored pottery painting, was that something you picked or did she want to do it?
A holiday in a caravan at the stage my teen is at I just know would be miserable so I wouldn’t do it to him. They need space & that’s just not possible in a caravan.
Not sure when yours finished school but they need a good bit of time to just wind down & do their own thing after a busy year in school, even if it’s sitting in their room doing nothing. My 15yo is in the best mood now but his school finished at the end of May so he’s had a good chance to wind down & have a total reset. He hates doing most things with us but he loves going to the city & having a look around his favourite record shop & grabbing a burger after so we’ve done that a couple of times & I’ll do it again with him next week & leave my younger child at home.
We’re going on holidays soon but instead of sticking to one place we’re breaking it up a little & staying in 3 different places for a change of scenery. We’ll do half touristy stuff & then going to a center parcs that we haven’t been to before & do absolutely nothing for 4 days! He’s really looking forward to it now. last year we went as soon as school finished and he was miserable. School isn’t easy for him so head space is important to him.

This is the time in life where people’s gardens start to look nice

Respectfully OP, they're not small children. They're teenagers. They don't want to be with their parents all the time.
I know i didn't and neither did any of my sons when they got to around 13. It's all part of them growing up. When booking these activities do you ask if they want to do it or tell they're doing it?

Completely normal. You really need to have your own life, hobbies, friends etc outside of them. They can’t be your whole world and it’s unfair to them to put that pressure on them. It’s not their job to entertain you all summer!

Im sorry it’s come as such a shock OP many of us experience this but it’s a gradual thing over time so its easier to deal with. Many people still do things with their teens but I think it’s come as such a shock for you as you’ve admitted you don’t have anything else. By not having a life separate to your children or any hobbies of your own you put an awful lot of pressure on them. It’s not fair for you to expect them to be responsible for your happiness.

I know it can be disheartening when you’re looking forward to activities or they have cost you money but did you actually ask your DC if they wanted to go? If not, you need to get out of the habit of just organising things and expecting them to follow. They’re on the way to becoming young adults. They will have opinions of their own about how they wish to spend their free time

Maybe a shopping trip .some lunch would be better? TBH pottery painting is quite a young thing to really.A film and some nails done .Maybe check with DD what she would like to do?

I think you need to adjust to the new normal. I have two teens too. They want to have downtime and see their friends and that’s a really good thing. I’m happy they have an active social life. The era of family days out is gone and that’s normal. We are fortunate that we have a couple of holidays abroad a year that they really enjoy. But at home, I’ll try and do a short activity 1-1 with one of them every now and again - trip to town for bubble tea and a couple of shops, dinner out, cinema trip, join me on a dog walk. Eldest will go to the gym with me as they have a nice pool. They are happy to spend short bursts of quality time with me so long as they have a lot of the day left to hang out in the park with friends/ go to shops with friend/ have a friend over etc.

it’s really important to have your own life and hobbies. I enjoy dog walking, the gym, swimming, have lots of friends to chat to and a busy job.

be proud of yourself that yours are launching!

I can't imagine many 13 years olds being keen on a pottery painting afternoon!

Just let them chill, at their ages this is very very normal. I'm surprised you've got them in a caravan in Wales with the grandparents any time in the last 5 years!

Mine are 16 & 14. I don't work in education so the summer holidays don't feel as long as they must do for you. They have busy social lives which I'm not part of and I'm the same as you, I was a single mum for near enough their whole younger childhoods and I miss doing all the activities with them...so at age 39 I'm having another baby!! This wasn't exactly the plan but I cannot wait to start all over again!!

Sending you a hug OP. It is an adjustment. Mine are grown up now and funnily enough my DD took me pottery painting recently. She’s in her twenties and it was actually great (despite my artistic limitations!).
There is a really good book called Get Out of My Life But First Take Me and Alex Into Town which covers this stage.
You will all get through it and they will come back to you! Someone once said if you don’t let them go, you’ll never get grandchildren! 😂
I always used to wish you could have a day a week of each stage rather than being completely submerged in one at a time.
I hope you do have a good summer.

What do you like to do op? If it is pottery join a course just for you

I understand, OP. It is suddenly a change of game and it’s hard to get it right. I find they don’t need you and suddenly they do need you. So you don’t feel able to spread your wings completely. They don’t want to be seen dead with you, your very existence is embarrassing and they want to stay at home. With curtains shut!

That is normal, they are growing up and want to do their own thing, not have stuff organised for them.

I am surprised they don't want to go away on holiday but maybe they've had enough of caravanning in Wales. Has their father suggested taking them anywhere?

Nobody stays a child forever.😀

Can you change up the activities for stuff thats more age appropriate, or include their friends? Paddle boarding or kayaking, pop concerts, stuff thats exercise focussed as a lot of teens are into that.

Plan stuff around their hobbies/interests & dont expect it to be centred on bonding with you etc.

Stop the lifts then. It is really that simple. Been there with both of mine. No effort at all at some level of family life? No effort from us to accommodate teen activities. No need for shouting (from you) - just calmly point out the issue.

I learned from a friend and her DH who took tough action on their teen DD who was taking a sibling’s property without permission. They took her bedroom door away, telling her she could have it back once she demonstrated a basic level of respect towards other people in the house.

I will not tolerate sustained rudeness - the odd comment can be ignored, but repeated refusal to engage with us led to consequences in this house. But both were always keen to come on holidays and mostly ok with days out.

I hear you, OP. Our youngest is 13 and wants nothing to do with us. I really struggle with it! Our other two are significantly older and have come through the other side, which helps, but for some reason I’m finding it much harder this time around than I did with them (perhaps because the 13-y-o was always the baby of the family)…

Do they have anything at home they'll do with you. I was always embarrassed of my parents out and about, but if they bought some snacks I'd happily watch a film with them or play cards or a board game.
It's an important development stage, try and be pleased that they're hitting their milestones! My son is asd and I know I'll likely be his only proper friend and one of the only people he will be comfy doing things with - I'd rather he wanted to be off with mates and found me an embarrassment. Your kids are developing as they should even if it feels hurtful.
Begin to adjust, find things you can do without them, go on holiday and tell them to stay at a friend's or something, or find a holiday they actually fancy doing. They're becoming their own people so you need to respect their boundaries and build a more mature relationship now - it'll just take some time!

You dont have to be available all of the time for lifts though, its important as they grow in independence to embrace this new stage of life for yourself, and if thats means picking up a hobby/sport/time with friends then sorry you arent always about! I am sure you will find ways in time to spend time together, its a big adjustment for them too and one with their hormones, changing relationships and pressure they probably wont fully understand either! But roll with it, see what they genuinely want to do together; if its a film night at home or chat before bed its not personal

Just keep taking them out. They need to find enjoyment in it. Paint a pot is nice at any age. Don't feel guilty about making them join in. Hopefully they will remember it fondly later. Xxxx

Why is everyone ignoring the fact that the OP and her co-parent are not a couple, and yet are trying to push the kids into this happy families set up? Very weird.

I say go ahead to your parent's caravan and leave the sulky teenagers with the ex.