Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

We are taking a 14 and 16 year old to a Eurocamp. They enjoy it and you get the best of both worlds - they get freedom on the site and we still get family time. Perhaps booking into one ? A caravan in wales is probably pretty boring for them.

It’s so hard but this is what I find works :

one adding a drink on the lift , ie saying we stop at Starbucks if you like
Go out for food , lunches , breakfast , snacks
Get them to do the bbq in the garden , invite some friends and play cards
Cook together , whether it’s baking , dinner
Take them to theme parks

just a few that work for me and finally limit how much you spend on them and spend it on yourself . You deserve it xo

All these things you mention cost money.

I haven't read everything on this thread, but I imagine someone might have touched on this, but.... We had a similar thing a few years ago, it turns out she was bored to death of going to the same place every year! We thought she liked it, seems she was extremely bored of sane old same old. So we went somewhere else and she loved it. Of course they are right at that age where parents are surplus to requirements 🙄 its just a thing, they most often grow out of it. X

It’s completely normal but I would have put my foot down about going to wales. That wouldn’t have been a choice age at 13 and 15

OP find common ground. Don’t push it. Pottery, beach, Wales etc no offence might be what you like but may not be attractive to teens. Sure if you were to ask where they’d like to go would that help? What do they like? Movies, something to eat, theme parks, festival etc?

It is a grieving process knowing they’re growing up. Try and keep busy. You don’t lose them forever.

A caravan in Wales every year doesn't sound that great by the time you get to a teen I wouldn't have thought.

Would you go to the caravan with someone else & leave the kids with their dad?

No reason for no one to get a holiday.

I feel your pain. My sons are 16 and 18 now and have basically got lives of their own (while still living at home with us). Like you, I feel somewhat nostalgic but the good thing is that I have a bit of a life back now that they can drive and use public transport. We all basically just do our own things but enjoy doing maybe one thing together as a family each week (eg went to seaside and got a chippy, went to Topgolf, went bowling). It was hard to adjust to this initially, as we were like you for all of our lives until they were early teens (park, playdates, museum and cakes in the cafe, day at the beach, zoo etc etc) - every day of our holidays was filled with fun things to do. But they started to get bored of these things and just wanted to be with their own friends and chill out at home. This sounds like the stage you're at. It's rather alien and frustrating, especially as you still want to do the things but they don't. And if they don't, you'd find something else to do but you can't because they still semi need you (normally for lifts and dinner).

I'd recommend finding things to do for yourself and training them to be more independent so you can leave them all day and go off and do your own thing. Part of growing up is then being more independent in making and carrying out their own plans, rather than depending on you as much. Can they use public transport?

Could you take it in turns to choose a family activity once a week like we do? And apart from that, just leave them to their own devices and get some 'me time' for yourself.

Not watching TV or going for a run together! But also, OP hasn't mentioned that money is an issue for her? She was happy to take her DD pottery painting (it was the DD who wasn't happy).

This is wonderful! They are growing up and being normal! Rejoice!

I’ve been struggling with this change- mine are the same age- I look around and wonder where everyone has gone as they are both in there rooms most of the time now! I remember the constant attention of when they were younger and looking forward to these days when they would be more self sufficient… but now they are here I am really feel the loss that my little ones are no longer little! And I remember being so annoyed at the time with people saying ‘make the most of it’… I wish I really did and am determined to make the most of the teen years while I have them, although I know that is going to look entirely different!

I make sure we have dinner every night as a family, and have found some funny family games to play after dinner if we all feel like it (and then they disappear again 🙄)

Days out over the summer, we have planned cinema, paddle boarding, go karting and a few cheaper beach days/walks. These were agreed by us all and are planned in our shared calendar, and then the rest of the time they can suit themselves/see friends/ rot in their rooms on devices…

I do take one at a time out on a dog walk with me a couple of times a week and will go say good night (when I am going to bed and they are still up!) and still manage to get a half decent chat about their lives when the time is right…

I wouldn’t give them an option to say no to a holiday?! could you compromise and go for a weekend or look for some new activities to do when there that might make it more appealing?!

I have to keep reminding myself that they have to break away from us to become functioning adults, not sure it helps though!!

The type of teens I know who still want to spend time with their parents tend to have parents who have their own interests and don't live through their children.
I don't mean the above horribly, but if you've put everything on hold for your children and don't have any outside interests, it can be quite boring for other people, including your teens.

i stopped going on holiday with my parents when I was 13 even abroad holidays I just wanted to be home with my friends , my own kids were the same more happy going out with friends etc and doing there own thing

it’s a shock to you because you’ve spent years doing things with them it’s perfectly normal for them to want freedom now , mine would have had miserable faces too at a pottery class ,, you need to get some hobbies or go out with your own friends once they see you doing your own thing it may make them realise you are not going to sing to there tune the whole time
if you have family for them to stay with go to wales on your own and enjoy it

I’m not so sure this is normal. I mean, it’s normal they might not want to do things with you all the time. But their reaction and yours hasn’t been my experience.

I have a teen. She’s quite happy to just sit in her room and she likes to have friends over and go visit friends. But she still goes on days out. She still loves a family holiday. I definitely wouldn’t take her pottery painting if she was going to be miserable about it. I’d ask her if she wanted to do it. Or I’d go do something more affordable and she’d bring a friend too.

But mine definitely still want to go to the beach or go out to dinner or go wander around the shops or go to the cinema. They aren’t my whole world though. I’m busy. I have things to do and interests apart from family life, so actually getting me for a day out is a nice treat for them. It doesn’t happen every day. I think you may be making yourself too available and the days out about fulfilling your needs, not theirs. Be less available and wait for them to ask to do something they want to do.

Family holidays though, no one gets a choice about that. I do a lot of one to one time away though. So we don’t necessarily take a family holiday with everyone every year. Maybe every other year. But we have little city breaks and weekends away to go somewhere specific that one of them wants to go. One of us will take 1 dc and the other stays home with the other one, then they get to choose somewhere to go next time. It’s higher quality time together.

It's normal! (=normal for teens to be like that, and normal for you to feel sad!)

Kindly, I think you have to adjust your expectations a bit... it might seem rude to us that they are mortified to be seen in public with a parent, but so be it. Most of their friends probably aren't doing much out and about with a parent. Maybe focus more on the things you can do in the home, eg a movie or tv series that you both/all like.

If you approach it with humour and give them some space, I think they're more likely to want to drift back to you. x

Who lets their kids dictate whether they all go on holiday or not.

invite one of their friends along , they would probably really love the holiday then, if it's just brother and sister they are probably worried about being bored
. You should absolutely challenge disrespectful behaviour. she has no right to call you embarrassing, I will be firm that that would not happen again, I don't think pottery painting is just for young children. My 13-year-old would love that we have done it once or twice

ask them what they want to do . They would probably prefer one night accommodation at a theme park , or theme park day,

Similar and the first year none of them are doing some kind of camp. We’ve had one foreign holiday this summer and could do another before they go back to school, but they’d rather be at home with mates! Lots of days out though, local outdoor pools, theme parks, drinks and ice creams. I’ve also made sure I’ve booked in things with my friends, gym classes etc, catching up on medical bits eg hygienist so I’m not just here at their beck and call. It is what it is - they’re less needy now and overall that’s a good thing.

Most sensible parents pick a holiday destination that everyone is happy with rather than dictating their teens must come whether they like it or not.

this. OP get your own life back and stop being the ever available taxi service. You might have taken a wonky turning but its not to late to get your life back.

It’s hard to hear but you need to get your own life or it’s gonna be very hard for you when they fly their wings! Learn to embrace the freedom a bit, go for lunch and walks with friends, take up a sport or hobby, volunteer or just enjoy pottering at home cooking, reading, movies etc. The more you hassle them, the bigger the gap will get. They mostly just want to do their own thing, it’s not personal. I don’t mind it tbh, but I know not everyone feels this way! I always watch a movie of my daughter’s choice on the weekend and get snacks etc. She still hates me lol, but I know she loves me really.

maybe because you have your own life and less expectation it works better?

Hi OP, yes it’s hard to know our children are pulling away, but this is normal and once you start doing things for yourself, you will be less absorbed in their every move and this will take the temperature down for them too. Please see this as you doing a good job and raising independent thinkers and not as some sort of failure.

Comparison is the thief of joy! It doesn’t matter what teenage Arthur or Alice are doing, your children are not them, their parents are not you, and they don’t live as, how and where you live.

Perhaps you could consider a short break, in a place that is not Wales, where there are things that they enjoy (Theme park, go carting, one of those gravity places etc). Maybe shops they don’t get to go to, restaurants they rarely try…essentially entice them with bright somethings. If you do go, and for a shorter more fun filled break, it might reignite their joy for being together as a family.

Call me crazy but I like to actually enjoy my holiday

I certainly wouldn’t be making myself available for them to be a taxi, if they want to spend time on their own then leave them to it and spend your time doing what you want to do!