Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

Do you have any hobbies/interests of your own?

Sorry but it's quite normal for teens to want to do their own thing . I remember being embarrassed by my Mum and I'm sure I embarrassed my kids !

By rejoicing in the fact that they’re happy with what they’re doing, so I can do more of my own hobbies.
sorry op, but it’s pretty selfish to expect your teenagers to be your source of entertainment, they have their own stuff they’d rather do

Did you ask DD what she wanted to do, or just decide you were both going pottery painting?

This is the first year they've been like this so its a big adjustment.
No i have nothing of my own as my whole life has been my kids. Obviously need to start now. .they still want me for constant lifts etc tho so still want me to be 100% available but not actually do anything with me.
It may be completely normal but I do see many posts on here about teens still doing things with their parents , I dont see why it has to completely stop

My teen boys have become disinterested in days out to, going to the beach hut and so on.. 😩 My saving grace is our new David Lloyd family membership. This week we’ve played badminton twice, been swimming in the outdoor pool, used the gym and even managed a battle box military type family session.. throw in lunch and we’ve be out the house daily for at least 3 hours. They just don’t seem to want to do the usual fun days out! I guess it’s an age thing - I’m adjusting but a little sad. The upside is we will all be a lot fitter by the end of the holidays! It’s worth seeing if they’re keen to do something more active? If you’re also up for it of course.

Wanting you to be 100% available is obviously not remotely acceptable. Tough, if you are out swimming, they’ll just have to wait.

You just have to find at least one thing that you both like to do. ATM for me, one teenager likes to watch movies etc with me be it at home or the cinema, the other teenager and I do yoga together and go on big walks. Most of the time, they would rather be with their friends and that’s fine with me.

Come on, it’s not selfish to want to spend time with your children! OP doesn’t sound like she’s forcing them to hang out with her 24/7, she just misses how things used to be, which is perfectly normal.

My DD is 16, I work in a school too. She doesn't want to do big family days out anymore, but she did enjoy a theme park day recently (brought 2 friends along) and a few evenings out at the theatre as we both enjoy that.
She'll come for a dog walk if I ask and sometimes won't speak much but I know she's happy to be out and active.
I sympathise though op, I miss her being little, we had such lovely times.
We've just been to Greece, she mostly had her airpods in or read books but it felt companionable.

Mine went through this too. I remember having a day out and they just trailed around with miserable faces. I snapped and we went home. Good news is that now they are older with kids of their own they love doing stuff all together. Wait a few year OP and it will change. One thing they did always love though was fun parks. A week in a caravan is probably not the most thrilling thing for teenagers - could you swap it for a couple of days at Alton Towers or even Eurodisney?

I stopped working termtime when mine were 14 +16, this was one of the reasons. I just wasn't needed anymore. I, like you had the summer of realisation that I was no longer the centre of their world. It was a difficult adjustment but tbh now it's good because if we do something it's because we all want to.
A pp said find something you both like, this is good advice. Ds + I go to the gym together and dd and I watch a program on TV together.

Yes the op can be sad with the change.

but the literally definition of selfishness is expecting someone to do something you want to do when they don’t.

I suppose if we’re being very literal, but give and take and sometimes doing things we don’t want to do to make other people happy are very normal parts of functioning in a family. I don’t think we’d ever get anywhere if no one ever did anything they didn’t want to!

Obviously these skills don’t come naturally to teenagers and it’s perfectly normal for them to prioritise friends at this age, but calling OP selfish because she wants to spend time with her offspring (while also running around giving them lifts and paying for nice activities etc) doesn’t seem fair! These are two-way relationships.

I'm the same. Barely see them during term time; always thinking of other people's kids... then....pouff! They vanish.

To be fair though, I used to find it really hard when they were younger, so this kind of suits us.

They will both do a family abroad one- although ds went through a sitting in the dark phase.

1 dc is always up for beach/ shopping. The other will
do a walk somewhere interesting. Rare they do something together.
Dh and I now do a lot more together though😆

The last time I did anything with my parents as a family was when i was 13. Family holiday. I didn't even want them to pass me in the street.

I feel your pain. My youngest child is 11, older one 13 and they only want to be with friends. I feel lost. only time we do anything together is when we go on holidays. days out are no more.

You just need to adjust and find things they enjoy that you can do too, even if it’s just once a week. It’s also time to start finding your own hobbies, friends and interests. Most teens would find the caravan holiday they’ve been doing since they were little kids pretty dull. Perhaps ask them what they would like to do next year, and figure out what could be in your budget for a different holiday. It is a hard adjustment but it’s what’s needed for your kids to become independent adults.

I am confused… “ex” in title but no where in Op

I think you just have to adjust expectations and take the opportunity to rediscover what makes you happy aside from being a mum. Make a list of what YOU want to do this holiday, whether it's walks, binge-watching, coffee with friends, decorating, active pursuits, art classes or catching up with books. Show it to your teens and ask if there's anything on there they fancy doing with you, anything they want to add that you can do together (my daughter still likes to go shopping with me in our nearest city) and encourage them to make a list for themselves (this avoids them becoming gaming or doom-scrolling hermits). Then crack on and enjoy your summer.
PS you are only available for lifts if they fit around what you want to do!

Could you ask your teens to organise all the time for themselves if they were to go to Granny's caravan? Just let them use the caravan as a base and they sort their own holiday - sleeping all day or reading etc. You do your thing. You know vaguely where they are? Could that work?

Having had 3 daughters, at 13 and 15, I think they liked to pretend I didn't exist...🤣. Parents aren't " cool" at that age. Especially my youngest who practically disowned us...🙈.Based in my girls, they do come back in later years.

When my daughters were in their early 20's, we have done a few city breaks and had great fun. Meanwhile enjoy your time with your husband.

I now have grandchildren of 13 and 15. They still want to go days out with us and stay over. We are allegedly cooler than their parents. But then we take an interest in what they like rather than deciding for them

People say this is very normal, but it's not my experience. My teens love day trips (though are also keen to spend plenty of time on their own pursuits, frequently in their rooms and not emerging until dinner).

This summer (in the US, so summer break started in June) amoung other things we have been to a horse show, ice skating, a theme park, a fancy pool day with a cabana, a safari park, a cat cafe, several shopping days, afternoon tea and a Japanese cooking class. These were mostly instigated by them, though. Your park, zoo, seaside sounds like the sorts of things we did in the preteen years - have you, perhaps, failed to keep up with their changing maturity?

What else do you do with them during the year to keep your relationship up?

Have you tried doing what they enjoy? Did she want to do pottery? Or did you just decide that. You also need a life outside of them, it doesn’t matter if they want you to be 100% available you can make plans for yourself too.

At 13 and 15, they go on the family holiday. They dont get the option? Be the parent.

They will tell you youre embarrassing though and not want to be seen with you. That's teenagers. But don't cancel your holiday to please them.