Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

At that age, the days out were what they wanted to do/enjoyed.
So probably not pottery, museums etc….

What do your dcs enjoy? Start there.

And then start your own hobbies.
I mean it’s nice to be there as a taxi driver. But it’s also ok to tell them ‘I’m doing xyz so won’t be available’ esp as it will a half day many anyway

Teens do enjoy time with their parents - but not doing the same things as when they were younger. You need to pay attention to their own interests and find more age appropriate stuff.

Caravan in Wales - I'd be bored shitless going to the same place every year on holiday regardless of my age, and if it's a typical family seaside type holiday, they've outgrown it. Could you go somewhere else? City break?

You also need to look at developing your own interests and hobbies, you're finding this harder as you've neglected that for years. You never know, it might find a passion for something a bit less childish you can all do as a family?

Just a suggestion for something to do with teenagers, I have just come home from a trampoline park place and as my 14 year old is ill I took her place and had a brilliant time with my 15 year old and 12 year old.
I think you have to go with the flow of what they like. Our holidays are agreed between all of us so everyone is happy. Same with days out. But its mostly dropping them off at friends now.
We both work though in the hols so its different for us.

It is really hard to adjust and you do kind of grieve their childhood but it's natural. Have a conversation and tell them you are missing spending time together. Ask what they would like to do, maybe a trip to Dunkin or the cinema might lure them out.

I would draw the line at family holidays though. At 13 and 15, they'd still be coming and would enjoy it once they got there.

If you do have an ex I would send them both to him for a week and you go to Wales. Do them good to learn that you are entitled to a life that doesn't revolve around their needs. Why should you miss out on a holiday just because they are miserable and might want a lift?

This post in particular is giving really good advice, OP. I hope you’re taking it?
We knocked the caravan by the seaside plan on the head as soon as the eldest child hit 12. Just not age appropriate at all.
What really ENRAGES teenagers is the thought that their parents have not noticed the change in them and believe that they are still eight years old. It drives them out of their hormone addled minds.

I totally get where you are coming from. I distinctly remember when my eldest started going through this phase and I asked him in the first week of school holidays if he wanted to go with me and his brothers to a couple of things. He turned me down and went to the exact same things with his friends the following week.

As others have said you need to find what they are interested in. Mine were usually happy to go out for a meal or do an escape room or go to a sporting event. Also sometimes if their friends wanted to do something the mums would drive their kids to the activity and we would hang out while the kids were off doing their own thing.

Agree with some others that they don't get to choose whether to come on holidays but at the same time I think you need to mix it up a little and go to somewhere more interesting for them. My parents always went to the same place throughout my life and I was bored stupid. I remember them getting upset at my attitude when I was a teen but honestly it was more fun for me at home than going to a place where there was nothing to do.

The words ‘Greggs’ or ‘Subway’ seem to lure them out of their adolescent lairs. We don’t have a Dunkin but that would raise interest in the teens.

Send them off to a relative or friend and have your Welsh holiday. Just because they do not want to go does not mean you have to miss out.

I have a 15 year old son, and during the holidays he’s up to his own thing most of the time. We’re really very lucky in that he does enjoy spending time with us (we’re watching Toy Story as we speak!!) but he would still prefer to entertain himself most of the time! He’s been out all day with my husband today, they’ve been to a friendly for the football team we have season tickets for. He still wants to come on holiday because the holidays we go on appeal to his as well as our interests! Did your daughter want to go pottery painting? Forgive me but that seems quite a ‘young’ activity! A caravan holiday they enjoyed as youngsters? Probably not so much now. To keep them interested in spending time with us we have to adapt to what they think is entertaining a lot of the time or they’ll just be bored and teens are not backwards in coming forwards in letting you know they’re bored.

I’m old maybe but it’s weird to me that kids of 13 and 15 can be allowed to choose not to go on holiday Is the camp site very quiet with no activities? Would it be too expensive to take them somewhere teen friendly?

This post makes me really sad. I really feel for you OP. I’ve just come back from a lovely camping trip with my two children (bit younger than yours) and what you have described is one of my own fears. It’s made me realise how precious this time is. I don’t know what the answer is OP, but just wanted to say you have my sympathies and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to spend time with your children regardless of age. I’m now in my 40s and go away with my own dad once a year. I know how much it means to him. What I will say is that this reluctance to spend time with you is probably a passing phase. Could last a few years but most people get their children back as they get older. I would pull back a bit, ask them to plan days out with a budget and get them to write a bit of a bucket list. In the meantime, reclaim some of your free time (I’m a teacher too and know how much those holidays are needed). Take up a new hobby, make plans with friends/ colleagues. Try to think of this as a new exciting phase in your own life. If they see you having a great time, they may want to join you!

I had this when my youngest finished primary. Both of mine are really artistic but would have been mortified at going pottery painting as a teen.
I was really depressed all through the first 6 weeks holidays when my youngest refused to do anything with me. I loved taking them on days out.
But, I put my big girl.pants on, changed career to a job where I could work in the school holidays and joined a hiking club.
I had 2 years of them not wanting to do anything with me, but then my DD2 wanted to try hiking, and since then, we now do hiking as a shared hobby.
You also have to go to them. DD2 is very into computer games, which I hated, but she's found one I do actually quite like, so we've started gaming together.
It's hard though. I had another wave of this feeling when DD2 was revising for GCSEs, so not available for hikes, gaming etc, and I got quite depressed again then.

Well done you, this is exactly what should be happening, you have raised your kids to be fledglings, ready to leave the nest but still needing support from parents, you've done a good job, sit back and reap the rewards.

By 15 (13 actually) I was working in the school holidays at a cattery Monday to Saturday (8 till 1) so didn't do much of the days out as a teenager not that my mum would have had the funds to anyway. I am 37 btw not 70. It is completely normal for them to drift and want to do their own things. It sounds like you need a hobby to fill your time and distract you from it. The holiday wouldn't be negotiable for me though, they would be going. My children are only 5 and 2 at present and as exhausting as the holidays are with a full time non school job, I do appreciate these years are limited so intend to make the most of every second possible.

Its sad that this is now considered normal.

I TOTALLY get this. I got many many more years of fun family activities out of my lot than I had any right to expect really and this is the first year they’ve all had their own things going on.
I really really miss it.

My DS has just bought a game that you play on the TV called Jackbox TV, all three of my teens have wanted to play this together all week.
DD13 will come out for matcha with me.
DS15 will come to the theatre.
DS16 can be bribed occasionally by the promise of a doughnut.
They all love a stroll around IKEA.
They will all come to the cinema if I tell them there's a film I really want to see.
They also have a card-based version of Hide and Seek that you play across whole towns/villages and will happily play that together.

But I also love that they're all out and about with friends or friends are here.

It’s always been normal.

I suspect that this will pass, OP.

I went through a phase of finding both my parents profoundly embarrassing and not wanting anything to do with them, but after a couple of years I started to enjoy my DM's company in a different way and found my DF, who was quite eccentric, an absolute hoot.

I think it's part of a process of establishing independence and their own identity.

Maybe do your own hobbies and see your friends. Go on holidays yourself and enjoy. In few years there will be out of the house and then it might even harder. See it as the best time to transition and have time and money for yourself.

Well pottery painting sounds really boring for a 13 year old to be honest. What about shopping or swimming or have you asked what your kid wants to do? It's normal for a teen to find parent cringey. I have 14 yo we are having a family holiday though, she does not get a choice in that. You usually find they enjoy it once there. Edit to say mother's that put their whole world around thier children do struggle more with the transition when thier children learn independence. Get your own hobbies, go out with friends as it won't be too long and your kids will fly the nest. You can not make your whole identity just being a mum.

I have teenagers the same age as yours, I think you need to adjust your expectations a little. I ask the kids what they want to do so when we all spend time together it’s something they enjoy. But I don’t expect the holidays to be full of family days out like when they were little. My 2 are still very happy to go on family holidays still though, although I wouldn’t give them a choice about that anyway as they aren’t old enough to stay at home.

It might be normal for teens to do their own thing but it’s not normal for you not to go on holiday because they don’t want to. They shouldn’t get a choice in this. No one can go away because they don’t want to?

Do you mean you abd your ex are taking them out once a week together? I can’t possibly think that’s ok.

you need to find things they sent to do with you so one interest each. You take them to the caravan they have no say it’s your holiday. You start getting some hobbies of your own as well and find new things thry might like to do as well. I’m not an expert on teen girls but I would have thought pottery was for under 11s maybe afternoon tea, coffee and cake, clothes shopping, cinema, bowling at 13.