Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

I wouldn't be cancelling a holiday because a 13 and 15 year old didn't want to go, and I'm certainly not making myself available 24/7 for lifts. you're the parent here?

Find something they'd enjoy doing? My son and I play Padel 3x a week, going to restaurants/cafes that he's found on tiktok etc

Or get a job where you can work summers so you aren't left with nothing to do

I think that you have to find things they actually want to do. Like watch a box set together, mine like it when we do that, shopping for stuff for them is always a win, something adventurous that they can’t get to themselves, a spa day, a gym membership you can go together. A day trip they really think is cool.
was the pottery painting chosen by you? It sounds a bit like it was something you thought would be nice based on what they used to like, but now they have grown out of it.
let them direct you rather than the other way around.
the family holiday would be a non negotiable for me though, but we do choose places to go based on what we all would like. It sounds like the wales trip has become boring, try a shorter trip but somewhere more exciting. Find cheap flights to a new city for example. I found return flights for 50 quid per person to menorca this summer and booked those which is exciting for them as it’s something new and good bragging rights with their friends so they are excited to come.

Lots of this very normal, being allowed to dictate if you go away is not though

A week in a caravan in Wales with two bored, resentful teenagers dragged against their will sounds pretty hellish for all concerned, especially OP. You'd be better off rethinking the holiday.

Talk to them and involve them in the decision-making process. Is there anywhere that all of you would like to go? They'll respond better if they feel their voices are being heard.

Read back your op @Newstart02839. Its all about you. What you want, what you'd like, what you'd enjoy. How gutted you are you can't go to your parents caravan like you've ALWAYS done. The clue is in that word, ALWAYS. You see, nothing has changed for you in the last few years, so you want the same stuff you've always had. BUT you have teens who are changing bit by bit, every single year. And thats how they grow up. If they didn't change they'd never grow up. And its your job to stop seeing the world through your eyes and start seeing it through theirs. Hard as that is. Because if you don't you wont have much of a relationship with them when they eventually do grow up.

Pottery painting for a 13yo !

Let them get on with their own interests, they have outgrown you. Yes to the holiday but expect them to find friends their own age or to spend a lot of time on line.

Things my 14 year old has enjoyed or been excited about doing (as a family) recently:

a theme park
a water park
Dinner at his favourite restaurant
a football match (before season ended but new season starts soon).
A food festival at a beautiful venue.
A visit to family friends he hasn’t seen for a while.

He would be bored at the zoo and if I took him to a caravan he would spend most of the time on his phone or tablet. He doesn’t want to do any of the day to day low key nice stuff that I can still do with my 11 year old. It’s fine, I don’t push it as long as he does leave the house every day. Hes joined the local gym thankfully.

Its your annual leave too! I would enforce the caravan. Are there any new activities to do there? Can someone watch dc and you go to the caravan for your holiday?

I agree with previous posters that you have to make an effort to do the things they want to do, which is a bit of a shock when you're used to making plans and organising trips and days out for them. My DS2 and I enjoy watching Taskmaster or football (I don't love football as much as him but I'm prepared to sit through it) and sometimes we go for a run together. DS1 is always up for all day breakfast at a cafe. DD and I might go shopping or for a spa day. A day at a theme park is a hit, or a trip to the cinema or a concert if there's something they want to see.

I have cultivated interests in DC that we can do alongside each other:

Climbing/bouldering
karate
general fitness (DS loves telling me where I am going wrong)

On holidays we do active things like tennis, surfing, snorkelling, hiking, and hoping to go scuba diving at some point

I try to let DC follow own interests as much as possible activity wise in the holidays, but do insist on regular boards games nights at home, which we all enjoy.

I have always been very conscious that from birth DC were already heading away from me, so I have made an effort to keep up my own interests.

Have you tried paintball or gokarts or something like that? I have never met a teen who didn’t enjoy it

I was going to say, with kindness, the activities you listed in your OP sounded quite childish/young, @Newstart02839
But other people said it better.

So I wouldn't have posted, except I wanted to comment to those who are being mealy-mouthed about giving teens lifts.
That's quite a common attitude on here, and i just don't get it.
Mine is in her 20s now, and lives in another city, but i quite enjoyed the teen lifts stage.
Yes, it's often later than you wanted to be awake, and means you can't have a drink on a Saturday night
But it's not worse than singing the same song/reading the same book/watching the same programme 150 times in one sitting.
I don't get how doing boring shite you hate with joy when they're small morphs into resentment when they're teens.
You're still the same parent, they're still the same kid, you're still providing a need.
Plus giving lifts = ....
Knowing where they're going
Knowing they're home safe
A chance to catch up
A chance to check in
An opportunity to listen in on friendships if you're also driving their mates.

I'd 100 times rather get my girl home safe at 1am than spend an hour at soft play or doing "let's pretend"

This is a really important time period for them to learn what being an adult looks like. It’s treating others with kindness and respect, and learning the world doesn’t revolve around them but they need to contribute too. So, no, you’re not available 100% of the time and certainly won’t be if the kids can’t be bothered to contribute to family life. It’s not about forcing them to do things they don’t like, but teaching them to get along and get on when something isn’t quite what they want and finding the good in it. And appreciating all the love and sacrifice mum gives for them. I’m not saying you need to force them to do stuff they hate every day, but it sounds like they need a clear talking to about being part of a family which shows love and respect to one another.

Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time

had she asked to go potter painting?
had she expressed any interest in such an activity?
Personally I would be miserable pottery painting!

and then to throw in her face you spent £60? Not on

I agree, I had a conversation like this with my DD at the start of the summer and said she is old enough now to understand that relationships are reciprocal

I think teenagers take a lot - lifts, money, help in organising their lives.

I don't want to feel used, and 16 is old enough to understand you have to make an effort to have a relationship beyond just taking resources.

So I was pretty explicit about what the expectations were - show up to grandparents birthdays and be pleasant and engage, spend a small amount of time engaging with (much) younger sibling, come in and say hi and talk for 5 mins when you get home, don't just disappear. We all have to do things we don't want to do sometimes.

All relationships take effort and teenagers ought to start understanding that they can't just take and expect endlessly without putting effort into maintaining relationships

Being very clear about expectations was effective, but it felt pretty crummy spelling out all the things they used to want to spend time doing.

We do now have lunch together once a week, it's nice. Significantly more effort is made. A boundary needed drawing I think.

I do agree though, it is upsetting when you compare the before/after teenage years.

I dread to think what comes next.

Starting today, no lifts for anyone who takes you for granted or is rude to you. There's no reason any parent should be a doormat jyst because teens are moody.

Say until they apologise - and mean it - for saying you are an embarassment, no lifts, because it's not healthy to keep being kind to people who treat you like dirt.

As PP say, find things that interest you, but if the timings inconvenience them occasionally, tough.

I see way too many MNers putting up with teen rudeness which then escalates into abuse. Stop it before that.

I think how you are feeling is quite normal, teenagers change so fast, they are like fu loving children one minute and then suddenly they are awkward, hormonal tricky to communicate with etc and as a parent it can be hard to adjust. Like you I work in schools so loved the 6 weeks of fun when they were little. It is harder to find common ground now they are teens. I have one quite independent teen who organises lots with their friends which is ideal but the younger one is a bit lost but doesn't know what they want to do. I have found a mix of organising things but also letting them just do nothing at home seems to work. I have my own hobbies and friends which I make time for too. I also just get on with house stuff like decorating and sometimes they join in.

Things the teens like doing. Walks with a treat / meal at the end. Bike rides. Cinema. Watching box sets in our PJ'S together. Baking. Sea swims. Afternoon tea. They also like to be left alone.

Yeah, 13 and 15 year olds are quite often grown out of those things that they used to enjoy. Leave them to it and find stuff to do on your own. At this age; they want to spend most their time with their friends and that’s okay.

It's so, so selfish to expect anyone to have a miserable time because someone else wants them to do something with them.

Pottery painting for a 13 year old is, in the majority of cases, not going to fly

I can’t think of anything worse than a caravan in wales for a couple of teens and pottery painting

Sorry OP I think you have woefully misjudged what teens are about these days

They sound like nice, normal kids OP. Be proud that you have raised independent and gregarious young people.

Now enjoy your new freedom to do the things you want to do with your friends.

I have older teens and they still hang out with me but we do much more adult stuff than pottery painting.
Have you thought about:
Cinema trips
Day tickets to festivals
A city break rather than a caravan
Going out on bikes
Zip line world
Go ape
Caving
Shopping trips (without judgement! Let them go where they want)
Art exhibitions

They're young adults. Time to enjoy doing more grown up things.

It sounds like you are still treating them the same as you’ve always done - but they are growing up and aren’t going to want to do the same things they did as younger kids.

All kids are embarrassed by their parents.
Even David Beckham said that his kids would ask him to drop him around the corner from his school as they didn’t want to be seen with him.

What relevance is your ex?
Is it their dad?

Mine are 14-21 so we are well into that phase of life. Honestly I embrace it.

Join clubs, do things with friends.

My kids are happy to do things with me too but only if I consider what they love doing when I’m choosing.

I think the key for your kids spending time with you is you not needing to spend time with them. I don’t think it is ever healthy for a parent’s life to revolve around their kids, it puts a lot of pressure on the relationships as the kids get older as you are finding.

It helps if you can find common ground, we got a puppy when dd was 13yo which is something she’d begged for for years. The dog was amazing at giving dd and I a common interest and we both enjoyed going to training classes, finding new places to take him etc.

Im not saying get a puppy but if you can find something you all enjoy that would help.

I agree that you also have to start finding a life outside of children, now’s the time to start meeting up with friends or starting a hobby.

Check in with your DDs and ask them for ideas over the summer, would they be up for a festival? A city break? A shopping trip that involves food is usually popular.