Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

Ah, I think they're all different. Just go with the flow.

I feel very lucky that my 18 yr old twins generally still want to do stuff with us. Mostly if we're paying of course...🤣. But we've done scarecrow trails this summer, a cider festival (DD not so great next day 🤔), Bristol harbourside festival, friends BBQs etc. I'm so happy they do as i know they'll soon be gone, but they also like to do their own thing and so they should.

Roots and wings! Its heartbreaking in one way but also tells you what great parents you are...

Its such a shame when someone starts a thread on here and has lots of various helpful replies but they hardly come back. Makes you wonder why anyone bothers replying sometimes.

They are at that age when friends become more important and their interests change. It’s sad but normal. You have to accept you’re going to get less time with them and find activities for you. You can probably increase the time they will spend with you a little by choosing activities they love and ones that are more teen friendly. Beaches and parks no longer hold much appeal unless they have friends to chat to. Shorter activities a couple of hours long and then let them see friends the rest of the day. Holidays need to be somewhere new and interesting. If a full week somewhere new is too expensive then a more expensive weekend trip somewhere teen friendly or abroad will hold more appeal than a week or fortnight in a caravan. A alternative is to let them bring a friend each if you think you could cope with this. However be aware if you do this they are more likely to come but will still pretty much abandon you once there in favour of the friend. There are ways to increase the time they want to spend with you, but reality is you can only do that to a certain extent at this age. It’s time to reclaim some you time! Meet friends for coffee, take up a new hobby, start a project etc. Long days at the beach with kids are sadly done for now. If you’re lucky you get to do it again with grandkids in a few years time. Yes it’s hard but it’s inevitable unfortunately.

Firstly, sending you lots and lots of love and hugs it must be a hard transition and I'm dreading it when it happens with me and my 4.
Secondly, maybe still do the days out but navigate them round the kids new interests! Pottery painting would have been good with a smaller child, but now they're older maybe something different and more teen friendly?
Don't put so much pressure on yourself either. Just stick to the once a week family days and enjoy some you time in the week ❤️

Maybe try finding out what they’d like to do?

I’m glad I’ve found this thread. I’m struggling with this. DS is 16 next term and going into Y11 and definitely not interested in doing stuff with his mum. I suggest watching tv together but no. I don’t have much work at the moment (freelance) and feel lonely even when we’re both in the same house. He wants to watch sport or see his friends or do his sport or read but not anything with me.

will read all the suggestions.

are there any books people can suggest for us to read as we adjust? A lot of teen parenting books are about managing teens’ behaviour not about our emotions at the transition and sense of loss. I miss who he was!

Have friends with kids the same age with autism who only want to be with their parents who complain about not getting time to themselves but I’m feeling I have too much time to myself!

@NinetyPercent

Why not get involved in his sports ?

My son is sports mad and follows several different sports
We both follow athletics and go to meetings - we have annual trips in July and February and go to other meetings when we can. We have witnessed world records, Mo Farah and Usain Bolt at their peak, have followed the careers of Jess Ennis, Katherina JT, Laura Muir etc
I am less interested in football but will watch the Liverpool matches with him and I follow the Premier league so I can have a decent conversation with him about it.
He still comes on holiday with me - we compromise and pick things we both want to do and I don't nag him about being on his phone. He's 22 now.

@NinetyPercent

I'd add that its ok to miss who they were but you need to embrace who they are becoming.
I adopted my son when he was so I missed out on his early years and he grew away from me far too early for my liking.
I miss my 8 year old, but have loved seeing him grow and develop. Its nice being able to do adult things with him, life is different but good.

@Ted27 Oh absolutely. When he engages he’s great and I enjoy who he currently is, and what he’s interested in, but I think it’s ok to also miss how he was when younger.

that’s also why I asked about books - I feel the focus is often on how kids are changing, not how we feel about it and I just want a chance to reflect on that.