Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

I expected it so didn't find it hard to adjust

I think my approach was similar. I actually learned a lot from getting more involved in DCs interests and it broadened my hobbies and activities.

I always enjoyed museums but DD loves art so I started going to galleries with her and let her take the lead on what to look at and let her explain things to me.

DS loves film so I would go to cinema with him (rather than my preferred theatre) and got to see films that I enjoyed but wouldn’t have chosen.

Letting them take the lead might help?

You're missing having primary school children. For a primary school child going to the beach or zoo is excitement and you get to share in their excitement. A teen might enjoy doing those things, but you aren't going to get the same sort of reflected excitement as you would with a younger child.

I think you have a good medium - you have a family day once a week which they enjoy (which says to me that they want to spend time with you and stay connected to the family). I'd suggest doing your own things. If you want to do pottery painting then go and do it on your own or take a friend, and suggest that they can come if they want. I find if you frame things as optional suggestions you are more likely to get some engagement. Also.... food. Cycle ride is dull, but cycle ride stopping by nice icecream place , with option for teen to go off and find their own friend after they've had the icecream, might be a winner.

Also remember that so much of spending time with them is just the mundane things at home. Do you eat dinner together as a family? Watch a film together? Cook together? Chat about the small things?

And was the holiday you happily went on, to the same caravan in Wales every year? A teen may well think that staying at home is better than doing that.

stop being 100% available and start working on doing things for you. hobbies, days, new job whatever. they want to be treated like adults then its time to behave like them and that means realising that the world no longer revolves solely around them. its all part of the letting go process. sit down with them explain how you are feeling and what you are going to do about it. but make it clear to them that the days when you just drop everything all the time are gone and that they need to get used to being more self sufficient. its hard but its the point of kids really - helping them to grow into good adults.

@redskyAtNighno holiday home abroad. Probably more to do in the caravan site! But I was quite happy most of the days at the beach. I did get bored just meant I read a ton of books

Ours didn't much when they were younger. Not keen on trips, museums, camping, walking etc etc.

They're coming with us + partners, for a week in Spain on Tuesday.

One visits every kind of temple, palace, museum, place of antiquity available now.

Just hang in there!

It’s tough, but you adjust. Also try to find low key stuff they like, a film or TV show, takeaway.

Why can't you go to the caravan on your own, and they can go to their dad's, or take one of them plus a friend? . As they start to detach from you as young adults, it's good for them to see you as an independent adult too, rather than an irritant just the provider of meals and lifts. If you can't think what you would do at the caravan without your children, then why would they want to go either?

Oh Newstart, hugs! This is such a tough transition to go through. It's tough for the kids, too. They are pulling away from you, which is something they have to do if they are going to become fully functioning adults, but my god it hurts.

Don't fight them on this. Now is the time when you need to start thinking about how you will reclaim your life once they have grown up and flown the nest. Don't insist your daughter comes with you to a pottery experience. That's the way to alienate her. Go on your own. Use the time you would have spent on them to cultivate a hobby that YOU love. You can go away on holiday without them. Go somewhere you'd enjoy and they'd hate.

The more you build a separate life of your own, the more they will want to be with you. You're clinging to them a bit right now and they don't like that; nobody does, really. But they will grow out of this phase, and by the time they are young adults they will be wanting to spend time with you again. Just make sure that it happens because they want it to, not because you need them to.

Now its time to change that. Stop keeping yourself available for lifts etc. Find a hobby, or interest and go alone or with friends - even just a couple of days a week during the holidays, go swimming, walking, spa etc. They don't want to go on holiday, fine, why don't you go without them - leave them with their dad for a couple of days and take a minibreak somewhere. I would still set aside a day a week to do something as a family, let them suggest an activity but if they choose not to, don't chase them. The issue seems to be a mixture of typical teen behaviours and taking you for granted.

@Newstart02839

Are there no attractions near the caravan which might make it more attractive to them

Wales is full of zip lines, high ropes, water activity, ninja places etc etc
My 22 year still comes on holiday with me. We have learnt how to compromise - he is not averse to a stroll round a castle or roman ruin as long as he gets a huge slice of cake/ ice cream/ fish n chips. He will always get a couple of days to lounge around on his phone and I take myself off to do something. Its worked since he was 14

Gaming, yes! I got into it by playing SuperMario Kart and Dokepon Kingdom with them - and then, to their surprise, I started finding games I loved for myself, and playing them by myself, and we would argue over when it was Mum's turn to have the Gamecube. They are grown men now, but I still enjoy watching them play and talking all things gaming with them.

Why are you and your ex trying to play happy families when you are split up? I would be weirded out by that as a kid. If you get along well enough to holiday together, why did you split up in the first place?

I remember finding this adjustment a bit tricky. I posted similar on here maybe 4/5 years ago. Unlike some posts I’ve read on here, I’m not willing to completely give up on spending time together as a family just because they’re teenagers. In fact, having worked with teenagers for 20 years, I think it’s vital to maintain the relationship, whilst allowing for their increased independence.

For me, it was a) trial and error trying out some new activities and finding out what they liked now (and getting it wrong often) b) really listening to them to work out what they liked and what was important to them (which was sometimes doing stuff independently and c) remembering that this is a normal stage of growing independence and allowing them to do that.

It was all so easy when they were little!

Honestly it's perfectly normal , they do come back to you later :)

This

The majority of that is typical teen behaviour. Being rude is not allowed but moodiness and taking you for granted, it’s what kids do. Not wanting to go to granny’s caravan sounds sensible to me, I expect they are bored of it by now. It’s a tough age for teens and parents, but becoming arsey yourself and refusing to do anything for them isn’t going to help matters any, it will just push them further away.

All exactly the same here OP - DD13. It’s absolutely devastating.

I think that not many teen-agers would really choose to go pottery painting with Mum. They'd very likely see it as an activity for much younger children.

My children did go to a few pottery painting birthday parties when they were still in primary school but wouldn't have been interested at all in it during the teenage years.

I think they should be going on the family holiday, but perhaps they are bored with always going to your parents' caravan. Go on it this year as it is probably getting rather late to change things now, but discuss other options for potential long weekends or future holidays. You don't need to always go to the same place and do the same things. So compromise a bit. There must be other places you could go if you all just discuss it, rather than remaining in a rut.

Teenagers do not find parents cool pets to have. They often much prefer time with their own friends. They are maturing (though it might not always seem that way in the heat of some of the arguments). Pick your battles though. It usually doesn't mean that they hate you (and you should definitely pull them up sharply when they are rude). They are starting to develop some independence.

They usually do come back to you when their adolescence starts to settle down and they become human again. I found after about the age of 16 mine began improving a lot and by the very end of their teenage years were pretty good company again. Not at ages 13 - 15 though. Those were the worst years as puberty really got going.

My three are all adults now and are great to have around.

Think of yourself too. As they are starting to do their own thing more and more you need stuff for you to do. Stuff you like and can relax with. For me that is often reading books. I love it and have always been fine with my own company. Any hobby will do, and enjoy it.

And older parents wonder why their adult children don’t spend time with them any more. Mine had a similar attitude. I visit them out of duty, as little as I can get away with.

Families work together, to find things they all enjoy. I enjoy learning what my daughter is interested in, she enjoys learning from us. We decide as a family where we will go and what we will do. The idea you would drag someone along somewhere just because you like it, knowing they hate it is batshit no matter how old they are.

I am in the same boat. This is the first year that it has occurred to my teens that they could say "no thanks" to the activities I try to organise. In previous years they might have requested a different activity but it wouldn't have thought to suggest they stay home and do nothing instead.
It's made me quite sad/bored/lonely. I've done some things by myself (discovered open water swimming which I'm enjoying) or with friends, but then feel guilty that they are at home on screens, even though that's where they want to be.
Here are some things I have managed to get my teens to be sufficiently enthusiastic about...
They choose a meal they like and we cook it together.
Go swimming, especially if the pool has flumes.
Book a badminton court or table tennis court.
Play a game of pool.

I wouldn’t accept them forcing you to have no holiday, that’s not fair. Maybe you could go away with just DH if you have family they can stay with, but otherwise they are too young to be left on their own so will just have to put up with it as you deserve to have a holiday.

Other than that, I’m afraid you do need to accept their friends will be more important at this stage of their lives and don’t fight it. They are fine with the one family day out a week so I would concentrate on enjoying that and not pushing things further. Get out with your own hobbies and build a life that isn’t centred around them. It’s part of the growing up process and I know it’s hard, but it’s inevitable.

If you allow them their independence now, they will naturally come back to you as they get into late teens and twenties. Don’t worry, they still love you but they just need to spread their wings

Similar age dc here, it is an adjustment. I find it odd now that friends and their dc don’t want to meet up which was always a big part of the holidays. I work from home so I am busy but it’s finding things they like. Crabbing has been a yes, spa day and cinema, theme parks to. I also booked a break with a hot tub which was a win. Uk holidays are the same they definitely prefer abroad which is a shame because everything seems to cost! It’s getting a balance I think and trying not to be offended.

The whole thing about being a parent is having to let go…
Let go from breast feeding
letting go when they start school.
letting go when they have their first sleepovers and prefer being with their friends. Letting go when they go off on holiday with mates. Then Uni/jobs/moving out. Every new phase hurts us the heart a bit. But it’s the right thing.
Feel sad, it’s ok. It’s just another step.
Time for you to find some interests for yourself. I get it.

I look at the photos of mine when they were little and cute and funny and cuddly. And feel a tinge of longing. But that’s life.