Ex and I struggling to adjust to teens not wanting to spend time with us over the holidays

[Newstart02839]

I work in a school. I chose this line of work specifically so I could be there for the children during school holidays.
They are now 13 and 15. One very social , one not so much but neither want to spend time with us. And its really hard to accept even though I know its normal.
We are going out for the day as family once a week, and they seem to enjoy it but the rest of the time they say no to every single suggestion.
We always go to wales to my parents caravan but they are both refusing to go. So we arent going on holiday this year. I feel absolutely gutted.
I took my daughter Pottery painting today at a local cafe. She had a miserable face the whole time, didn't speak to me, kept telling me I was embarrassing, im barely allowed to breath without her commenting. I snapped and told her im not taking her anywhere else. It cost me £60 and wasnt enjoyable.
Its nice to have the summer off but I feel absolutely lost without going on family days out. I miss going to the seaside , parks, zoos etc. I feel covid robbed us of some of this precious time aswell.
How do you adjust to this?

Well it hasn’t completely stopped has it? You say they are happy to go out with you one day a week. That’s par for the course tbh.

Can you remember being a teenager? Being seen out with your parents was MORTIFYING.

They come back! Mine are mid twenties and we do loads of stuff together, including holidays.

I also have a 13 year old and they also wont do anything anymore. I also found it diificult to adjust and i reallly miss days out. I asked her what she would enjoy doing. She will still come out shopping trips with me, lunch/dinners, cinema aslong as it isn't in our area where kids she goes to school with are there and i have recently disxovered she will still come for day trips if i invite others along such as aunties and cousins. This is a good opportunity to start discovering who you are again and what you enjoy.

We have a pre summer holidays chat about what DS wants to do together. It has changed over the years! But so far this summer we’ve had boardgame days, a canoeing trip, park run, swimming in an outdoor pool, afternoon tea (my pick, but my teenage boy will take a bit of chintz for bottomless cake).

we’re going on holiday soon, and he’s helped pick things he wants to do before I committed to the location. Not leaving the UK and mostly stopping in hostels, but some nature watching, hiking and theatre. Will be great and he’s looking forward to it.

He’s also had days to himself! I just insist on a little bit of interaction each day.

This is spot on.

It’s normal for teens to not want to do things with just their parents, and to be with others of their own age.

Mine actually went pottery painting the other week- but it was as a group of teens, no adults, and they decided it themselves.

And they also enjoyed a camping trip last year, but we went with a couple of other families with teens, so they all hung out together.

I think it would have been a different vibe just us - we have changed our family holidays a bit and now go for a shorter time as a city break or similar, just a couple of nights, shopping, sightseeing, meals out.

I find they are much more up for day trips out when others are there too - even friends of mine - or cousins, uncles, grandparents.

I always invite the kids to come along too whenever I leave the house - sometimes they will even come along to the supermarket or b&q, other times they prefer to stay at home even if it seems a more “exciting” trip.

And sometimes if they do come, we can end up arguing, or someone is grumpy or it doesn’t go as planned.
I try not to take it personally, it’s part of them growing up too. They do usually have the self awareness to apologise later.

I tell mine I still like spending time with them even if they were an old grumpy face last time.

I also worked in a school and remember those summer holidays when DD was around 12-15 that stage where they want to be out with their friends but you feel you need to be near enough home for them ( this was over 15 yrs ago so not the same mobile phone use)
To be fair we still did things together happy to go on days out or holidays though and still now at 30 and living 200 miles away we enjoy weekends spent together.
I just think those early teen years are just tricky as they start to find their independence.
An added bonus I’ve just retired and am used to the summers off so in a way it just felt like a continuation of that rather than a Hugh lifestyle change.

Switch the focus op! Are you in a position to invite your dcs’ friends to your home? Make it more enjoyable for them. Buy some healthy snacks for fridge. Prepare a spag bol or give them money to order pizza. Convert a room or a garden shed where they can hang out. Maybe but some bean bags. Make your home an inviting place and they may stick with you a bit longer.

Other than that though, this is a normal, healthy developmental phase for your dc, so it’s important you start focusing on yourself a bit more op and developing your own hobbies and interests.

Also 13 & 15 here, also not really needed, very happy to make their own plans so I have mostly worked with the occasional outing with them.

We go to the Canaries for 10 days soon though so they’ll be forced to spend time with their Mother! 😃 I think you just have to develop your own interests, it’s a strange time though.

Can you book something a bit more exciting for a holiday - I wouldn’t not go because a moody teen didn’t want to go though! Swap it for a couple of days out to a theme park or something? Take them to a beach and book a hotel for a night? If you are going to wales what about that Zipworld place?
You can’t let them treat you as a door mat. You don’t need to be about for lifts 24/7. They’ll have to manage a bus etc!

100% agree with this. There is no way I’d be allowing a 13 year old child dictate to me whether we were going on holiday or not!
Mine are the same age and do plenty with friends but I’ve never accepted being treated like shit just because they’ve turned 13. I am not embarrassing, I am their mother, my hard work facilitates their life so they will treat me with respect in public. In return I try hard not to get in the way when they’re with friends and to say yes to things they’d like to do. We go out as a family, we go out just me and them. Shopping, activities etc.. We pick things I know they like and it’s very rare that they say they’d rather not.
It always some at how many people put up with such utter rudeness and disrespect. Too many children have too many choices and are given too much autonomy too soon.

It’s so hard and it is so sad, I totally agree with you OP.

But it changes and you find new things. That’s ok too. Daughter loves the gym and coffee dates, and we just had a lovely city break together. Son loves films and late night chats. I miss what we used to do, but I make the most of what they still want to do.

Oh and I’ve loved finding myself new hobbies and spending more time with friends too.

I never understand the not wanting to go on holiday thing that some teenagers do, I always went on holiday with my family because it was free! Might have not always interacted much but still went.

I found that getting my DD to invite a friend along was helpful. I recommend doing things with each child separately and asking a friend along. But expect to be a spectator, not a joiner in! Eg with the pottery painting, drop off the kids, go somewhere else for a coffee then pick them up.

I used to work term time when I had primary age children and I absolutely loved the summer holidays taking them out on day trips and just hanging out at home having lazy days in the garden. Mine are grown up now and I still miss those summers.

The next bigger transition is when they are all driving and out working and doing their own thing. I’m just about on the cusp of that with my youngest who is 17 and taking driving lessons. After parenting for 28 years coming to the end of the life stage of having children as children is a big adjustment. No grandchildren yet from the older ones so I really will be free to do what I want in the next year or so. It does feel weird.

I like having adult children though, we do have days out usually one to one and they bring their own worries too!

I think it is ok to feel unsettled by the changes even though they are normal but it is just part of growing up as a parent alongside them.

Adjusting is hard and I guess you never appreciate the last time they are happy to take a picnic to the park or go to the zoo. Mine are both adults now but there have been phases when I was chastised even for saying hello to their friends - but now they are both great company and will happily do things with me / all of us.
I wonder whether you need to give your teens some autonomy - and it is also important to model
having interests of your own. Have you asked for suggestions of what they’d like to do? Do their friends do things they’d like to do?
Holidays are tricky as there can be so much fomo with teens that they’d prefer to stay at home 🙄

I found this really hard at the time too. I used to spend time with them by doing the things they wanted so sitting watching them game, going to theme parks, lunch and shopping, cinema etc. I came to love giving lifts as it was one time I could really chat to them (and they couldn’t escape 🤣). It’s a difficult transition for parents.

I think it’s probably preferable to be working full time out of the house during school holidays as soon as you have teens. Most teens would prefer to spend time with their friends rather than their parents. And if they don’t, it probably should be encouraged. And some parents are sad, so it’s better for them too. Plus then the kids can’t use you for lifts etc, so they learn some independence and you don’t get resentful. It’s win win.

I’m sad for you.
I spend a lot of time with my DC 18 and 19 and I absolutely love it. We do loads of things together and they are very much looking forward to our family holiday next year.

For my family it was horse riding lessons that kept us going. They started when the girls were 14 and fifteen and went until Uni. I started with them so we would have hour treks through the countryside every Sunday. Good times.

The youngest enjoyed sharing X factor (it was a while ago) and I’m a celebrity with me. It was not a big deal but just a connection.

They have gone on to be weird humans and we have traveled well together. Because of my youngest I have traveled to Norway, Japan and Myanmar.

There are times when it is a bit of a slog but don’t give up - remember to look for the little connections.

My oldest son is 14 (younger dd10, Ds7) and we haven’t had this experience at all - he’s always quite keen to do things with us and his younger siblings

BUT

everyone is different - if they don’t want to do stuff - don’t waste time, energy and money doing it, meet up with your own friends and leave them at home - they’ll soon moan they’re bored and want to do something.

At 13 and 15 they go on holiday where you take them. Its not optional. Kids have so much leeway its ridiculous.

'We always go to wales to my parents caravan'

I appreciate that not everyone can afford to drop a couple of thousand on a holiday but that would have been my idea of hell as a teen, and I wouldn't be much keener on it as an adult. No privacy, seeing the same things each year and (most years) the likelihood of rain.

Get yourself a hobby at least one evening a week, you are NOT available for lifts that day, do it for you. What are you interested in? I joined a choir and now sing in 2, we practice do gigs, even going on tour next year with one of them, met knew people, social events. Unfortunately many of us get to the teen years and realise we have nothing but the dc, no social life, and it’s quite possible to rectify that!

I think those making this point are missing the point. Can you force them to go? Obviously yes. Will forcing them to go result in a jolly family holiday for everyone? No.