15 year old has been suspended. Where do we go from here? Terrible behaviour

[Upset03829]

My son hates school. I cant express how much he hates it. But he also doesnt want to be homeschooling. He doesnt want to do any kind of academic learning.

We have had problems with behavior since he was 4 years old. Hes 15 now about to go into year 11. Its been a long hard slog.
He is desperate for validation, for people to like him , to be popular etc. At all costs. He has always been the class clown. Not making excuses for him but his teachers have always liked him despite this because he has a great personality. A cheeky chap.
That was until 2 years ago. I dont know if its hormones or what but he has changed beyond all recognition. That cheeky chap has gone. And has been replaced with someone full of anger, aggression and ideas that no rules apply to him.
School has been getting worse and worse. Not helped as its 80% boys, ive been told by his head of year that his year is a particularly bad year. There are 10 boys who are all similar, including my son. They bounce and feed off each other, egg each other on etc
Its at the point now where son is not learning anything, is spending large amounts of time outside of the classroom, and has become rude and argumentative with the staff.
Hes also started to become physical with other students
He has been suspended for persistent disruption and behaviour. Its been coming and im not surprised.
Thing is we just dont know what to do, neither do staff. We have put so many things in place to help him, even monetary rewards. He gets special treatment from them and still behaves this way.
I have to attend a reintegration meeting on Monday. All I see for year 11 is more of the same . I am empty, drained, have nothing left in me. Nothing works with him
Its devastating to watch and so sad because outside of school he is ok and when he leaves I think he will be ok. How do we cope with this?

I agree with idea of doing maths and English only. At least he would finish up with those hopefully, but on his current path he will have none.
I know why the school don't like this, because other children will start saying they don't want to do all the subjects as they don't like some of them.
Press for maths and English.

Is this a Steiner school?

I commented on your thread previously @Upset03829

If the school are prepared to take him back and you're considering him doing GCSEs it might be worth asking the school if he can do the IGCSE for English. This exam doesn't require coursework which might give him a better chance at a pass if he's not bothering to do any work.

Would online school for just subjects he is interested in help? If you are thinking of part time table anyway.

Schools don’t want students dropping subjects as there is a problem with what they/ where they go in the free time.

What is his plan going forward or is it all too much for him to think about?

Is he is an independent school? If so then you'll struggle to get assistance with alternatives from the local authority as the provision is funded by the school he attends.

If changes started when he joined the gym, I would find out if he is taking steroids or high caffeine drinks.
If he likes exercise, try and get him in to a boxing club - they will sort him out.

Have you spoken to the GP about treating his health anxiety. I cant tell you how exhausting it is to have intrusive thoughts about your health. Im not sure if they prescribe sertraline to teenagers (I think they do) but I'd be asking about this as untreated anxiety can lead to burn out

I would say he is showing signs of dyslexia by what you describe. He could also have a processing disorder which is linked.

what isn’t normal about his school?

Im sorry but it seems odd to me he would have that from Covid. Has he got an underlying condition like OCD maybe? And intrusive thoughts. Teens didn’t all just become worried about germs and cancer because they were stuck in for a while.
I think you need to get to the bottom of all of this. It sounds like a few different things all piling up.

So you knew there were issues 11 years ago, what parenting lessons have you done since then? What specialist support have you put in place for your child?
have they been assessed to see if they are ND?

Contact your local sendiass team (every local authority has one) they can advise on interventions and involving other agencies. Ipsea are an excellent charity for advise too. A lot of the time it is undiagnosed learning needs which are not being met and supported.

also look to for your local young person councelling services, so he can start to talk to someone neutral about what’s going on for him.

I would be asking your local sendiasa to join you in a meeting with the school and ask that it’s a “meeting around the child”.

you ca also explore a referral in to early help with social services. It’s something we did and was valuable. Again they help children change the narrative.

is he hearing any praise or positives each day, or just what he’s done wrong? I ask as sometimes just changing that narrative and asking for positive feedback (rather than just “behaviour which tends to only be negative), will help him gain some daily positivity about himself. Again I’ve seen this strategy used with teens to break the cycle of negativity.

Could you afford private school for the remainder of his education? Smaller classes and more 1:1 education may help him.

Definitely need to get to the bottom of this and have you contacted CAHMS?

Also, the father of a friend of mine coaches/teaches young men (teens) in boxing and says it helps them. And the daughter of a friend of mine who’s high level autistic (functioning) and on Ritalin has done martial arts since a young age and it’s really helped her mentally and physically.

Have you contacted CAHMS?

Sorry repeated myself re CAHMS.

I’m presuming not when op hasn’t answered the questions about getting an ADHD assessment privately. With VAT you’re not getting change out of 20k for even a relatively modest fee. Thats not including uniform etc.

Outside the house, dd showed almost nothing outwardly and the schools saw nothing for the entire time - reception to year 13.

We pursued assessments for dyslexia ADHD and ASD privately instead. Dd’s friend shows similar traits to dd and her parents have not, instead trusting the preliminary assessors, who refused to take it further. IMO they are wrong.

As a parent, when you know you know.

Being reluctant to do writing tasks is a possible sign of dyslexia. Of course it's not the only thing which could make a pupil reluctant to write. But in terms of things to explore it's another possibility, especially since you don't have another explanation for this. I believe private dyslexia assessments are much cheaper than the ADHD/ASD ones because you don't need as many specialists. Although OTOH whether or not this would actually help is another question especially if there are no funds to pursue any kind of private help.

The scientific evidence plus reams of anecdotal experience from anyone who has ever worked with challenging kids is that if a consequence is going to work, it works at a fairly minor level. Escalating the consequences almost never works. Look for what's getting in his way, and explore every possibility no matter how unlikely.

With the question about OCD and it starting around covid - have you looked into PANS/PANDAS?

You said he started in year 9 - is it a UTC?

How did the meeting on Monday go?