AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

[AmberBear22]

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

I hope so.

You do nothing.

You failed him as a parent. 16 or not.

You brought a string of men around him who abused him and you are now calling him pathetic?

Honestly if I was him i'd have NOTHING to do with you ever again.

And standing by wathcing this happen, over and over, is ok?

Thank fuck Social Services disagree with you.

Sounds like he's finally with the family every child deserves.

I really don't know why you'd even ask him to give that up to come and live at your house, surely any decent parent would want tgeir DC to be happy and settled.

She said she physically assaulted him too, so she abused him and is therefore by your definition also a monster.

And keeping her children safe is her responsibility. Allowing three men to beat her child was a complete a failure to prioritise her child. That doesn’t make them any less responsible for their own actions.

Some days lots of threads on Mumsnet turn me into Donald Trump. FAKE NEWS 🐮💩TYFYATTM

Yes and no, @mamamiam. The OP should have been more careful about the men who she allowed into her home and into her son's life. Especially after the first time her child was abused by a man she had introduced to his life - I can understand making a mistake, not realising what a man was like until too late - but after that had happened once to her child, why wasn't she more careful the next two times she brought men into his life?

She was not innocent or blameless in this. Her son was, and she failed to protect him.

I don’t believe this is real. When you were his age you were doing drugs and partying and didn’t have enough love or respect for your baby to look after him or prevent him being abused. He had done nothing to you and you chose to bring him into your life.

Why do you think he, at the same age, should show you more love or respect than you showed him? When you have undoubtedly caused him harm by the choices you made.

Leave him to his happier life, at least until you’ve grown up enough to not be calling a child pathetic (in the same breath as saying the things you did at his age should be ignored).

you only decided to grow up and spent when you were pregnant again?

Yh e continued abusive partners, the insecure housing, the lack of money? None of that made you change your ways. Another child did. That’s how he will see it. You are not a safe or secure setting for him. That is the consequences of your actions. Being rude and calling him names won’t make him see you or any to spend any time with you.

prove to him you are better by your behaviour not your words. Your actions don’t match up with your aims unfortunately.

You would be right if she had left the very first time and reported the abuse to the police. But she didn't. So she was allowing a man to abuse her child and that makes her a monster too.

This can’t be real?! If it is he’s made the best decision. He sounds like a great boy. You were old enough to know 3 me abusing him aswell as his mum was wrong. My ten year old would know that

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured.

How to prove yourself utterly wrong in a single sentence. You called your own son, who you subjected to abuse via a string of boyfriends, pathetic. I'm not seeing any sign of maturity from you there.

You sound absolutely vile and I’m very glad your poor son finally has some happiness.

@VimesandhisCardboardBoots is absolutely right, @AmberBear22 - if you truly had matured, you would understand the damage you have done to your son, and why it is so hard for him to forgive you.

It is not about you, it's about him.

Your DS is right to want you out of his life. I'm a stepmum to a15 yo DSD who lives with me, DH and our shared children full time due to not dis-similar circumstances and her attitude is the same towards her mum.

You get out what you put in with kids, just because you gave birth to them doesn't mean they owe you anything.

Step back and allow him to be happy, sending messages like this will only fuel his negative feelings towards you. He may want a relationship with you when he is older but you have to step back and just let him be happy.

This is one of the worst things I've read on here. I am absolutely not surprised he doesn't want to live with you and is enjoying the stability with his dad. Physically abusing your child and allowing multiple men to do the same is awful and it can't be blamed on age- even at 16 you know it is wrong to hurt children.

Hopefully you will give your other children a better life but your lack of insight into your own actions makes me question that.

Jesus Christ. So you let THREE men abuse him and also abused him yourself!? How was he not removed from your home?

If anyone here is pathetic , it’s certainly NOT your son. You’re not hard to replace! I will stop there because what I want to say is a lot worse. I hope this isn’t real but if it is, I hope he never sees or speaks to you again. Poor poor boy.

She also hit her son. So yes she is the problem. She beat her own son and let other men beat him. They are also vile

is this a joke? You have been an appalling mother and allowed multiple men into his life to abuse him throughout his childhood.
sounds like he is finally safe and happy. The step mom sounds like she is doing all the things a mother should, you just gave birth to him, and you are still doing drugs and unapologetic. Why is he “pathetic”? Grow up.

It's totally fine to for women who repeatedly bring abusers into their children's lives and esp homes to share responsibility for the abuse that then takes place. And their children will and do hold them accountable for allowing the abuse, esp as they grow older.

Poor child.
He is happier where he is. Let him be that.

If this is real, no wonder he wants nothing to do with you. You’re the pathetic one. Why should he forgive you for getting knocked up as a teenager

Plus the abuse he sustained!

So you allowed, yes allowed THREE boyfriends to beat your little boy, you did the same, all while drinking and taking drugs? And you seriously wonder why he doesn't want anything to do with you?

Yep, I'm Team Stepmum.

I can’t help but wonder what the op parents were like to have a 16 year old daughter pregnant drinking and taking drugs while getting involved with men who probably saw she was vulnerable and exploited her.
I feel she too was failed as a child and as a mother to 2 daughters I feel she also deserved better.
Not condoning her behaviour but she was also just a child who was seemingly neglected or at least very vulnerable.
Did your parents never intervene?