AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

[AmberBear22]

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

And you’re making demands of him? He doesn’t owe you a single thing.

You need to figure out you have so much to apologise for. You think you’ve grown but you’ve barely started. Go to therapy.

He’s being pathetic????
Op what an awful thing to say about your son after everything he has been through, everything you put him through

The fact you’ve just called him pathetic for not forgiving you for allowing not one, not two but three men to physically abuse him as well as doing so yourself is proof you haven’t ‘changed’ enough to be someone it’s a safe for him to be emotionally close to. If you think your response is in any way reasonable you need some serious therapy.

You obviously haven't matured enough.
You physically abused him. You allowed multiple men to physically abuse him, you neglected him. You prioritised yourself, you took drugs, you gave him no stability.

If you were any kind of mother at all you'd be happy that someone else has given him the live and stability you failed to provide, and you'd be happy that he's happy. But instead all you care about is your own feelings and taking him back like he's a possession.

You should be in jail, FFS. You shouldn't have custody of any children.

I hope this is made up. My mum was an abusive monster with multiple excuses, I was expected to forgive and forget as she was dying a horrible death . I supported her through her dying and ensured she was safe but I am 100% glad she’s dead and I wish someone had intervened and removed me from her when I was a child.
your son no doubt has multiple traumas and is doing what he can to protect himself further.
no matter how much you’ve changed, be thankful he has someone he feels safe with.

If you really have grown up, you would let him have the life that he wants and he deserves.

You have behaved appallingly to him. Children cur their parents off for much less.

If you'd cared for him properly, you may have a leg to stand on. He knows you abused him, and he know that you allowed abuse to happen to him from other people, so you don't have any leg, any right to tell him what to do.

Just FYI, when you call him names, you're still abusing him. Why the fuck would he want to come back to you. He has his home, his life and his parents. You are not his parent. You may be his birth mother in his eyes, but you are not his mum. Mum's don't do what you have subjected him to.

If this is true, and I doubt that, then the OP was and remains a terrible mother. To subject her child to abuse by herself and others and then expect him, while he is still a child, to simply accept it and forgive her without taking any accountability or trying to address it properly is delusional.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life

I wouldn't forgive that either.

“I still vape and occasionally smoke weed”

Well, you need to stop this for a start. It’s hardly setting a good example to your other children, whom I presume still live with you. Your DS of 15 been living with his Dad and Stepmum for five years - so since he was ten, and has had NC with you for two and a half years. It sounds as though he suffered abuse for at least the first seven years of his life, so why would you be surprised that he has chosen to live elsewhere? Fromyour son’s POV, he’s moved on, and after five settled years with his father and the woman he now calls mum, you have suddenly appeared out of the woodwork and asked him to come back to you. OP, why on earth would he?

Im presuming this is a wind up

I’m with him on this one.

This must be a wind up post?! Im sure this isnt easy for you OP, but your son has every right to distance himself from you. He is likely traumatised by being neglected and abused in his young life. You should be happy that he has a stable home and parents who are providing stability, support and love. He might forgive you one day but that is up to him and I think for that to happen you will need to accept accountability and do an awful lot of work.

Please tell me this is a troll!

Read the list of what you put him through.

You destroyed his childhood with a string of men that abused him, you abused him yourself, and subjected him to multiple boyfriends, house moved and instability. You exposed him to an unstable home with drink and drugs.

You should be overjoyed that he’s now living with a step mum who appears to have given him stability and happiness.

YABU, he will probably never forgive you for his childhood.

You’re a ✨piece of shit✨.

His Mum is the woman loving and supporting him, who he lives with, along with his Dad.

You are his abuser.

I hope that clears things up for you 🤞🏻

Not by demanding he forgives you for exposing him to violence and chaos and for physically hurting him.

He's not obliged to forgive you and if you want him in your life you have to show consistency and show you've changed. But you can't force things.

Maybe you could try and get some therapy and that will show you're improving your life and your choices.

He's not pathetic, and he doesn't "need" to do anything. If you had really changed, if you really felt true remorse, you'd be happy that he now has a loving and stable home after a horrendous start in life at your hands. His happiness and stability should be your priority for him, not making him emotionally responsible for soothing your ego.

Yeah - how on earth did you allow these men to get close enough to him? -

THREE??? christ, the poor kid needs to be in therapy

And how are your other children??

I had a child at 17 and didn’t do any of this. It’s not about your age.

You introduced him to several men who physically abused him. You abused him - you only decided to stop that when you had another child, so from his young perspective, he was okay to abuse but not his sibling. You used drugs around him. You moved around a lot. You destroyed his youth, gave him an unstable start in life. Let him live through the trauma of men beating him.

None of that is forgivable. You should give thanks to the woman who is able to provide a much better, safer a secure environment for your son which has hopefully enabled him to break the cycle here and to on to live a better life than what he started with.

This cannot be for real. I cannot believe anybody could put their child through all of that, and still believe that you are the victim.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured.

1. It doesn't sound like you have matured that much if your instinct is to call your poor, abused, messed around child 'pathetic' for expressing love for other adults in his life.
2. He doesn't 'need' to do anything, he doesn't owe you forgiveness
3. I suggest you get some therapy.

You have behaved incredibly badly and your treatment of your son will have undoubtedly left emotional scars on him that he may never recover from. You didn't put him first, you beat him and you allowed other people to do the same. You should have protected him - it's heartbreaking to read your OP. You can't change the past but saying 'I've grown up' and expecting him to magically forgive you demonstrates that you probably haven't matured as much as you think.

All that being said, I suspect your own childhood probably didn't set you up well for being a mother, especially at that young age. You need to stop this cycle of abuse. Do some work on yourself and help your Son to work through the trauma that you have inflicted on him. Help your children to grow up to be better equipped adults than you were.

There's something wrong with you.

Yep, that's it.

This breaks my heart. I too was a young mum, and a lot of my friends were. Nothing like this ever happened to us or our children.

YOU need to grow up and take accountability for your actions towards your son. Not only were you a druggy, you allowed 3 men to abuse your son and you leathered him yourself.

I cannot believe what I have read, Jesus wept.