AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

[AmberBear22]

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

I dont blame your son for not wanting anything to do with you. You were a terrible mother who abused him and had numerous abusive boyfriends. Leave him alone.

He sounds a lot more sensible than you do. Having put up with your abuse for the first ten years of his life he made the wise decision to move to his dads house, where there was his dad and a woman who has clearly loved and cared for him and shown him what a mother is supposed to do.

What do you think his life would have been like if he had stayed with you?

I think you should respect his choices.

I really hope it isn't. But that poor boy if it is.

OP - You should have been in prison, along with your scumbag boyfriends, not going on to bring even more children into the world.

No, he doesn't need to realise anything. He needs to learn to find a way to live with and move past the trauma of his early years.
I understand you had difficult circumstances and didn't deliberately harm him, but he had been harmed nonetheless, and now the priority is that he finds his way to healthy adulthood despite that. As his mum, if you want what's best for him and for the damage to be healed, you need to give him space.
As difficult as it is, if he is happy and thriving where he is, you need to find a way to be glad about that, even if it hurts you.
You have many years left to be his mother and the important thing is not to alienate him by letting your feelings get the better of you so that he closes that door to you entirely.
Be positive about his life and relationships. Tell him you love him, are glad he's happy and would be happy to see him when he wants to see you. Take it gently, no reproaches, demands or negativity and it's possible you may have some sort of relationship to build on.

Hey I’m younger than that with three kids and got pregnant with my first at 15 and never beaten my children or let someone else beat them plus never done drugs not even weed. My grandma had three kids by 19 and never did any the things this shitty op did either

My heart broke for your son when I read this. I can’t imagine how much pain he suffered and stills suffers. You are being very very very unreasonable.

This has to be a wind up thread!!!

And what have you dont to try and make it up to him?
Have you been to therapy? Family therapy?
Took interest in hobbies?
Attended parents evening?

You need serious therapy. There is zero accountability in your post, just excuses and deflecting the blame onto other people. You let 3 men abuse your son, you hit your son, and you think he should come back and live with you? Why? So he can babysit while you drink and vape? This reeks of narcissism. You psychologically damaged that poor child, and even now don't get the extent of the damage you caused, or accept that it was 100% your fault. Age is not an excuse. I am happy your son has a family now that actually cares for him.

Is this some sort of sick joke? After all you did to him you think he should forgive you? You should be in jail for assault as should your boyfriends.

I assume this is a reverse?

I was 16 when I had my son. I never hit him, I’ve never been on benefits, and I never had a stream of men coming in and out of his life that were a danger to him - so that’s absolutely not an excuse for your behaviour.

Leave the poor kid alone, I’m glad he’s found safety and security with his dad and stepmum. That’s more than you have offered him.

The made up click bait threads are getting worse.

There are plenty of mums who had their kids when they were late teens who didn't abuse or hit their children. I don't think you've done the work and are in a position to seek for forgiveness tbh. I think your son is right to be NC with you, as you're his abuser along with the 3 ex BFs you mentioned.

You let not one, not two but THREE boyfriends abuse your child? Thank goodness he is now safe.

Didn’t read

People on here will crucify you for your past mistakes and the fact you still smoke weed occasionally. While you probably have grown up a bit, you probably still have a way to go. You can’t force him to talk to you, give him some time and hope he comes round. Ask if there’s anything you can do maybe?

If you were my mum I would probably forgive you, but I’m an adult and I think it makes you more understanding the longer you’ve been alive. Overall it’s down to him though. Good luck OP.

Gotta be rage bait

Put him first. It's not about you anymore it's about your DS and his life. If he is settled and happy then you need to leave him. There is a lot of damage that has been caused here, by you and your choices OP and he will have to live with that. So will you.

Let him live his life and you should focus on being a much better parent to your younger children. I'm suggesting you start by not smoking weed - an expensive habit and it's illegal. Not nice for your kids to live in a house that smells of drugs.

Reaction bait

I had a little bit of sympathy for you due to your young age and the fact you also probably went through trauma as a child until this statement: "I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured".

Unfortunately you can't force him and you need to give him space and leave the door open. The good thing is he seems to be doing well and has stability with his father and stepmom.

This. Poor boy. My DS is a similar age and my heart hurts for your son. Children don't ask to be born. Stop making excuses for yourself. It is obvious why he doesn't want you in his life, leave him be.

I normally try and defend the OP when there is a complete pile on, but I honestly can't with this thread.

Your description of the abuse that your son endured from being a baby is utterly horrific and you have brought a string of abusers into his home and allowed them to hurt your child. You have also physically abused him yourself.

Why on earth would he forgive you? What have you done to make amends? He must be completely traumatised by his dreadful childhood which sounds like one of those 'misery memoirs' that were published a few years ago. You are still treating him like shit by calling him pathetic for not wanting a relationship with you.

Leave him alone and let him be happy living with his dad and step-mother.

If smoking weed around three young kids is your idea of being an adult, god help them. Your DS deserved more and the DC living with you do too. Your DS is extremely unlikely to come back and sounds happy where he is, but maybe you could concentrate on the ones still in your ‘care’?