AIBU to think my son should forgive my youth.

[AmberBear22]

Firstly I am not here to say I’m the world best mum, I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes but feel that I’ve lost everything.

I have 4 children aged 15, 7, 4 and 2. I had my DS aged 15 when I was 16 way too young. I struggled a lot with raising him, me and his dad stayed together till he was 1 but couldn’t work out. Dad was 18 and I was 17 when we broke up, working full time and always out of the house whilst I was a SAHM.

I had a string of BF as you do when young. I also experimented with drugs, smoked and drank. Unfortunately when my DS was 5 I met a man who physically abused him and my next 2 BFs did the same. I’ll be honest I did also hit him throughout his life until I got pregnant with his brother and realised I needed to grow up. We didn’t have a lot of money and mainly relied on benefits and what his dad gave us. I had a lot of angry BFs so we moved a lot.

Doesn't paint a great picture but I’ve changed. I’m now 31 and an adult.

I still vape and occasionally smoke weed but not like when he was young.

5 years ago he made the decision to live with his dad and stepmum full time and I haven’t seen him in 2 and a half years. He recently posted a video on TikTok which I was shown from his 15th birthday. It was saying how much he loves his mum and dad and I feel like she’s trying to replace me.

I sent him a message saying I’m his mum not her and he needs to forgive me and come home. He ignored me.

I feel he is been pathetic and needs to realise I was a child and I’ve matured. What can I do to get my son back?

In today’s episode of “from the bollocks of ChatGPT.” ;)

On the off chance this is an actual individual, you’re a terrible human being, an awful person and the only sad thing about this is that the rest of your children weren’t taken into care.

HTH.

You and he are lucky he didn’t end up as a tragic news item.

He is only alive by good fortune- you did not safeguard him.

The only part of your story I have sympathy for, is the pregnant 15 yr old.

However his dad allowed it as well, unless he was making significant efforts to get custody.

It’s also true that by leaving you with his baby and working, his dad had the opportunity to establish work and a stable home which he can now offer your son.

Be glad someone has rescued him and given him a fresh start. Do a better job with the others.

Exactly. You think you should be forgiven for such terrible behaviour by someone the age you were when you had him. You should be happy he's found somewhere where he's safe and cared for, and has a chance of healing. If you are really sorry (no excuses) you can write saying that, and say if he ever wants to make contact you will be there, and then give it to his father and stepmother - definitely dont try to make sirect contact.

Nobody expects the world’s best mum. What they do expect is a mum to keep their child safe. Mistakes are forgiven, but they need to be a learning experience or they just become a repeat of bad behaviour. It took you 7 years as a mother to decide you needed to step up and do the right thing and that only happened because you had a second child on the way. Using the excuse of being young to have “a string of boyfriends” when you are a parent is poor. After one, let alone 2 abusive boyfriends, most people would take a step back from dating and focus on their child.

You haven’t lost everything. You have 3 other children. For half of your son’s life, you put him last. He came after you, your boyfriends and your other children. It’s great his father has stepped up to protect him at long last. He should have stepped in way sooner. The only way you can have a relationship with your son now is if he decides he wants to. Calling him names and making any of this his fault is not the way to build a relationship with him.

Sorry to say you've let him down repeatedly and you only seem annoyed that the label as 'mum' isn't enough. Well, it's not. A relationship not something you are in a position to demand.

Try being a decent, kind and stable mum. It may take years for a relationship with you to form and it may never happen, but consistency is key. He needs to learn to trust you again. In the meantime, be pleased he is doing better at his dads, root for him, support him. Isn't that what being a new, mature mum means? Wanting the best for your children in whatever form it takes.

Have you posted about this before? It rings a bell. And kudos for admitting your mistakes on here. Keep the self-improvement, if not for your son but your other children.

He is not a possession for you to get back.

You were an awful, abusive, neglectful parent. He doesn't have to ever forgive that. YABU for expecting it and YABU for thinking you should have any say whatsoever in how another person feels.

Plenty of teens raise their children right. What happened wasn't purely due to your age but due to the type of person you were/are. You put yourself and your wishes above your child's basic needs, as a result you failed to keep him safe from others and actively abused him yourself.

You can't press the reset button and expect him to behave as if this had no impact on him, it will have impacted him for life and may continue to do so into adulthood. He can never go back, press the reset button and miraculously have a decent childhood, that's gone forever. You having matured hasn't changed that for him. It hasn't magically made you a safe person for him to be around. You also haven't changed that much as a person. Your outward behaviour may have improved but you're still selfishly putting yourself and your feelings above his welfare.

I'm happy for him that he has a decent mother-figure in his life to demonstrate what motherhood should look like, so he knows it and gets to experience love in that way. It won't wipe out the horrible experiences he went through with you or make up for those in any way, but it will help him in adulthood when choosing a partner and in safeguarding his own children to know what a decent mother should be like. It will help him break the cycle of abuse and not go on to be an abusive neglectful parent himself. It will help him to choose a decent partner not an awful one.

But you don't care about any of that, you can't have that tiny shred of happiness for him because all you care about is yourself and your feelings of jealousy towards another woman. You don't think of him as a separate person.

When you think of the words "your son" you don't see him and all he's been through, the person he is now, the person he may grow into. No, all you see is the first word and all you focus on is "mine, mine, mine". Well he's not, he does not belong to you and he never did, he's his own person.

I’m going to assume this is real.

You need to apologise to him and keep doing so. You need to keep reaching out and let him know how much you love him but accept that he may not want a relationship with you. Your youth doesn’t excuse his awful childhood, you are the parent - you are supposed to protect him and you clearly haven’t done so. You seem to expect a level of maturity for him whilst excusing your own appalling mistakes as ‘youth’.

I would focus on being a better parent to your younger children and hope that he forgives you but accept he may not.

You are totally unreasonable @AmberBear22 .
This is not for a child to "forgive".
You failed to safeguard him multiple times from abusers. Age / circumstances no excuse for that.

You are being selfish to seek his forgiveness as then it will take away your guilt.

Sorry if I sound harsh but I work with yps who suffer abuse every day. The damage and trauma it causes is indescribable. Every fails as parents yes, by no means am I perfect but any decent human being knows what abuse is and should safeguard their children from it.

Sorry your son doesn’t need to do anything.
youre not entitled to his forgiveness if he doesn’t want to give it to you.
and dont complain about being replaced, there is a reason you feel like that.
the woman has clearly been more of a positive influence and figure for him in his life.
I’m sorry OP, if your son doesn’t want to forgive you or have much to do with you, you are going to have to take that one on the chin.

I sincerely hope that you leave him alone.

Parents who abuse their children, mothers who drink and do drugs around their children, mothers who expose children to a revolving door of dangerous men who abuse them should face criminal charges.

You’re still doing drugs.

It is utterly selfish to try and get him back.

He doesn’t have to forgive you. You stole his childhood from him and you’re still using drugs and no doubt vape around your young children.

It is an utter relief he is with his father and has a new mother. Also, his step mother has absolutely replaced you.

Utterly oblivious. Immediately thought of this…

You have made mistakes and naturally you want to make amends

But give him time and focus on your other children

Doesn’t sound like you’ve changed much at all.

You physically abused him, neglected him and failed to keep him safe from the abuse of others. I’m surprised he was never removed from your care. Unfortunately I don’t think this is the type of thing you can repair and by excusing your actions saying you were young, then calling him pathetic, it point to you needing to do a lot more work on yourself to keep a relationship with your other children

He's being pathetic? This can't be real. Youth isn't an excuse for allowing your son to be abused. Stop diminishing and excusing what you've done. Own it, beg for forgiveness, grovel and if you're really lucky, someday he might consider having a relationship with you.

is this a reverse? Surely this isn’t real?

This has to be a wind-up post.

Sometimes I feel like I'm failing as a mum... Now I do not.

I fully respect your son and his decisions to find a more stable loving happy home. You clearly weren’t able to provide that and the way you still talk now shows nothing has actually changed with you.

Talking of your son forgiving you I would never forgive myself for what I treated my child like let alone what I allowed other men to do to him as a young child.

You weren’t thinking about his needs then and are not now. This is all about you and how you look and because hes posted about a woman who’s stepped into and filled your shoes you don’t like it. She has been there for him clearly and doesn’t just think about herself.

I would leave your son where is happy, wanted and loved and focus on becoming less selfish and less awful.

your lucky you never lost all of your children letting them live in environments like that.

can I also add

i absolutely love the threads when the OP doesn’t return cause they’ve been flamed.

That sounds like a horribly abusive childhood for your DS.
i'm so glad he is safe and happy with his DF and DSM.
He hasn't "got to forgive you' that entirely his prerogative to decide.
The only message you need to send your son is one apologising unreservedly and wishing hm nothing but happiness .
You still sound incredibly immature and self serving.
I really hope you have changed for the sake of your existing children.

Definitely a reverse but from who? 🤔

Have you actually apologised for your behaviour? You say he should forgive you but forgiveness follows an acknowledgement of poor behaviour and an apology. It sounds like you're making a demand of him. Start by acknowledging what you did wrong and see where that takes you.

If this is real (which I find unbelievable) then mate, you've massively fucked up and there's no coming back from it. You've lost your son - and good for him, I'd want nothing to do with you either. You abused your child and let other people abuse him. There are no excuses for that. It makes you pure scum.

I just hope your other three kids are OK and manage to get away and live full, happy lives.

Surely you can’t be this dense? You abused him, your boyfriends abused him, you took drugs. None of that is excused by being young. Lots of teenage parents are wonderful parents. You are completely delusional.